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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Terrible attitude towards partner.

55 replies

Lalla525 · 07/01/2020 21:34

Funny thing - I know IABU, but I need to hear it from people to get a much much needed wake up call. And need suggestions.

I have a great partner. He's supportive, loves me, cooks for me, gets me breakfast in bed. He is affectionate, stable. Everybody loves him. My parents adore him. My friends adore him. He helps me at every step. Increases his commuting time to come with me at work and comes to pick me up. He is not jealous or suffocating. He just is always ready to help and do as I ask (or as he thinks i might need - and he is usually right). He is funny and charming. He is always happy and pleasant. A joy to have around.

On the contrary, I have a terrible attitude. I am demanding, I take things for granted. I tell him off for pretty much anything. I'm unpleasant. I rarely show respect for his opinion.

We now seem to have settled on this format (it was not like this at the beginning) and I'm starting to not feel ok with it.

Problem is, lately I am starting to be very afraid that in the long run we might get to a position where his self-defence will come up and he will stop loving me. Maybe not to the point of breaking up, but reach that stage where there is no much communication, love, partnership, etc. Only routine.

How do I pull myself together and get back the relationship on the right track?

OP posts:

Original poster

Lalla525 · 07/01/2020 22:29

He has you spoilt,,a child wud behave the same way if they got everything they wanted

Now that I think about it, he often says that I treat my parents very badly (in his opinion, to me it looks normal). I was (and am) a spoilt child (this has never been denied, but at least this is not my fault). And yes, my parents were/are extremely demanding of me.

Looks like there are good elements here for a deep dive into the issue. Certainly can't go on like that for much longer.

OP posts:

DareDevil223 · 07/01/2020 22:29

I think couple counselling is a great idea tbh. Not because I think he needs it, but possibly he will be more aware as well and help me when I slip.

Couples counselling isn't recommended for people in abusive relationships and it's not his job to help you to not abuse him.

Vulpine · 07/01/2020 22:30

Perhaps this is the only kind of relationship he feels comfortable with?

paintedfences · 07/01/2020 22:30

Do you really deeply love him? You're not annoyed with him because deep deep down you don't and you don't know why? Just a thought.

Original poster

Lalla525 · 07/01/2020 22:35

Couples counselling isn't recommended for people in abusive relationships

I am still not sure this is an abusive relationship. I need to look more into it, and ask his opinion as well on the matter. My understanding of abuse is different, but might be wrong.

OP posts:

Original poster

Lalla525 · 07/01/2020 22:38

Do you really deeply love him

Yes, as much as my personality allows me. I've never been one of 'love at first sight' or 'can't sleep because I'm thinking of him' or 'when did he last access WhatsApp'. He's my best friend and he's the person I chose to spend my life with because he's the best I could possibly want.

But butterflies in the stomach? Never had them for him. Nor for anybody else.

OP posts:

Ginger1982 · 07/01/2020 22:42

"I think couple counselling is a great idea tbh. Not because I think he needs it, but possibly he will be more aware as well and help me when I slip. If anything, he'll at least be aware that i feel shit about it, as i don't think he knows it now. And if I told him, he would tell me not to worry and he would be so nice that I would probably feel even worse."

Wow, so he needs to be aware and help you when you treat him like shit and understand how you feel about treating him like shit? 🙄

Ginger1982 · 07/01/2020 22:43

What's going to happen when you have your baby?

Echoblue · 07/01/2020 22:45

You really do need to break up with him
People like you can't change.

Yorkshirelass04 · 07/01/2020 22:48

You are coming across cold and manipulative. Might be worth reflecting.

IndieTara · 07/01/2020 23:10

Op it's not his responsibility to help you not slip or point out when you do!
This is your problem to resolve. Don't make him part of your treatment, if it doesn't work you'll just end up blaming him.

AnneLovesGilbert · 07/01/2020 23:35

What's going to happen when you have your baby?

What have I missed?

blubelle7 · 08/01/2020 00:13

I was your partner in my last relationship. Guess what, I had enough, walked away and found someone who respected me.He realised way too late what he had, but I was long gone by then. YABVVVU

Runkle · 08/01/2020 00:21

You don't see him as an equal to you. I think you need to let him go, he deserves someone who appreciates his ways and reciprocates. He'll end up running himself into the ground with you.

84claire84 · 08/01/2020 00:26

Hang on here. Your getting plenty of stick and mostly called for may I add, however by the sounds of this you are aware there is problems, you are wanting to sort them out, you love and want to be with him and at present, as far as we all know, he seems to be blissfully happy in the relationship

I think you need to sit down and have a proper chat with him and make him aware of how you feel. He might like you just the way you are and doesn't want to you to change.

If you want to put this right, now is the time to do it

Fraggot · 08/01/2020 00:43

Has he done anything to make you put your guard up?

I could have written your post a few years ago. Everything my H did irritated me and I was constantly snapping at him and changing moods so quickly neither of us could keep up. If you asked him though he’d say I made him laugh and he enjoyed my company (I did, amongst the snapping). No way would anyone describe it abuse.

After having some space to look at things I realised I was acting that way because of something he’d done years prior that I had forgiven but clearly hadn’t forgotten or processed properly.

I’d recommend taking some time away from the relationship, give you both some breathing space.

Thickums · 08/01/2020 00:58

You dont respect him. He lets you treat him badly with no consequences. As the saying goes "you need to love yourself before loving someone else".

This is the exact reason why. When someone (your partner) doesn't love themselves and know their worth, they allow their partners to treat them however they want. In turn there partner will keep slowly pushing boundaries to see how far they can go. In turn you end up losing respect. Its hard to respect someone who you can criticize and then get made a cup of tea and told your loved in return.

Eventually the lack of respect for your partner can turn to hate or apathy.

Id be interested to know how much your attracted to him on a sexual level? I can almost bet your not bothered about having sex with him?

As sexist as this sounds (it is). Sometimes as an alpha female which is sounds like you are. Its hard to form relationships with men. You want your own way. But you also want a 'alpha' male to lay down the law which in turn makes you respect them = sexual attraction. But the problem is there is only room for 1 alpha in the relationship the rest of the time. If your used to getting your own way, a relationship with another alpha is a recipe for disaster.

Just a thought. Excuse any typos!

Lolalovesmarmite · 08/01/2020 04:22

I think it’s very telling that your primary concern seems to be that he will leave you rather than the impact that your behaviour might be having on him.

My sister treats her husband as you describe treating your partner and yes, it is abusive, because it’s about control. She wants everything to be done her way and it sounds to be as though you are the same. It is a choice you are making, to prioritise getting your own way over your partner’s feelings, and yes you can stop. You just don’t want to. If you’re serious about changing then something like CBT might help but I genuinely don’t think anything will improve for your partner unless you can learn to prioritise his needs (including to be treated with respect) above your wants.

lborgia · 08/01/2020 04:32

I'm NOT saying you have, but everything you say would intimate a personality disorder.

You need to talk to someone. You need to tell them the truth. The things you've said here that show that every single concern you have goes back to how it impacts on you. Every idea for changing relies on others/ him to do it for you.

My blood went cold reading this.

On the other hand, if he's shown no signs of being disturbed by your behaviour, then maybe you're lucky enough to have found someone who will have you on a pedestal for the rest of your life.

If he does leave, you will be fine. Please don't make him pay if he does go.

Ginger1982 · 08/01/2020 06:11

AnneLovesGilbert OP has previously posted about her pregnancy.

penmanship · 08/01/2020 06:25

You have no respect for him and don’t see him as equal. All your posts are “me me me” and your only concern is that you don’t want him to leave you (which I suspect is because it would mean you losing control). You seem oblivious to his feelings and the impact you’re having on him.

This relationship cannot work. It will either carry on as it is - which IS abusive - or you will both have therapy and once his self esteem improves, he will no longer want to be with you. Believe me, that will happen.

Look back through your posts and see how many times you’ve written words like “not my fault” or “he can help me when I slip up”. You’re totally minimising your behaviour and not accepting responsibility for it. You CHOOSE to treat him like shit.

Kraai · 08/01/2020 06:31

This is all about you and it also chilled me.

It really doesn't matter if your DH is happy being treated like this, it's not ok.

You should want to change because you want him to be treated better, because you wouldn't want to do anything to harm the person you (supposedly) love more than anybody else in the world. You are harming him by bit by bit chopping away at his self-confidence. Maybe he's ok now, but he won't be, nobody would be, long term.

He's not responsible in anyway for your behaviour towards him. Even if he did something a long time ago that's been eating away at your respect for him, the onus is on you to deal with your emotions and responses. If you don't respect him or like him once you've examined the underlying reasons, or can't forgive him, then you let him go. All that is IF he even did something - which I doubt.

Don't ask him if he thinks you're abusing him, apologise for being horrible. See a therapist alone - this isn't a couple issue anyway, you have said that. Take responsibility for yourself, because only you can control your responses.

SlightlyStaleCocoPops · 08/01/2020 06:37

Why should he be responsible for policing your behaviour? Since you admit you have no respect for him anyway, would you even listen?

penmanship · 08/01/2020 06:49

Excellent point @slightlystalecocopops. I suspect it’s just so she can say, “well it’s YOUR fault I’m behaving like this now, you know you’re meant to stop me.”

BoomyBooms · 08/01/2020 06:51

I know this gets trotted out a lot OP but is there any chance you are depressed? Or do you have anything else going on? In the depths of my MH issues I can have a bit of a personality change and turn into an angry, unpleasant person. Things have to be really very bad for me to get like that but I don't recognise myself when it happens. The way you are talking sounds a lot like me and my partner at those times.

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