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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Man in meeting ignoring women

125 replies

sunshinepoppy · 07/01/2020 16:30

I am a relatively new secondary school governor. I have attended a few meetings and during each meeting the (male) chair behaves as if he has not heard what any woman has said and then repeats what the woman has said as his own idea. The Headteacher is a woman and he did this to her several times.

e.g.
Sunshinepoppy: What colour hats do we need?
Headteacher?: Historically we need blue hats because the school started on a boat.
Chair: What you have to understand is historically because the school started on a boat we need blue hats.

It is baffling behaviour and very obvious that he only does this to women. He wants to meet me for a debrief and a review of how I am finding the new role and what I think of the meetings. Should I mention this to him? I am not sure that he is aware that he does it.
Has anyone encountered this before?

YABU: Do NOT mention it
YANBU: Mention it

OP posts:
EntropyRising · 07/01/2020 16:33

How many examples of this behaviour have you observed?

Is this a paid job, or volunteer? (sorry for my ignorance)

BlueJava · 07/01/2020 16:35

Hmm tricky as to whether you should raise it in the 1-2-1 meeting with him, especially as you don't know if it's subconscious or conscious or with any malice etc. However, I'd definitely call him out on it... "There must be an echo in this room, that's what Headteacher just said!"

AllYouGoodGoodPeople · 07/01/2020 16:37

Have you got written, specific examples of when he has done this? It seems strange, having done it, that he wants to meet with you 121, because you'd assume he wouldn't give a toss what you had to say.

BobbinThreadbare123 · 07/01/2020 16:38

I think you should tip the woman who offered the idea a little wink, then simply repeat it after the man has done his 'bropropriation'. He might notice...!

Original poster
sunshinepoppy · 07/01/2020 16:39

It is a voluntary role. I have attended 4 hour long meetings with him and 10 others. It happened about 8-12 times per meeting on average. I found it really strange. When he does it no one says anything. I don’t understand why he only does it to the women.

OP posts:
lifecouldbeadream · 07/01/2020 16:39

If you’re going to mention it have concrete examples. But..... this type of man probably won’t accept the feedback- do they do 360 review of the chair- if not- suggest it! Or see if your LA liaison has any advice.

Commonwasher · 07/01/2020 16:39

I would ask another couple of females if this is their experience too. And also see how he is 1:1, some people just have no idea how to chair a meeting.

I’d expect all comments to be addressed to the chair in a meeting like that, but it’s very bizarre that he doesn’t even acknowledge contributions to the discussion...

Does he ignore comments from males in a similar way?

lifecouldbeadream · 07/01/2020 16:40

*or - “thanks for clearing that up Headteacher”. As if he’s not spoken.

EntropyRising · 07/01/2020 16:40

Schools are pretty political... I'd get some input from your women colleagues first. If they say 'fuck yes' then get on with it and be the breath of fresh air they need.

milliefiori · 07/01/2020 16:40

I wouldn;t mention it in a 1-2-1. All that will happen is he'll try to bully you. I have had a few meetings with a tiresome man recently who doesn;t like females to have opinions or interrupt his dreary monolgues with better ideas of their own. I do both. he shoots daggers at me now. Can;t be arsed (voluntary role.)

But in meetings, when he does this, say, 'As X so clearly said just moments ago,' or 'Yes, Sally has said that already' Encourage others to do the same. I really hate it when men do this. My own family do it and I always pick them up on it. I don't care if they think I'm oversensitive or having a go. We are not invisible or inaudible.

StoneofDestiny · 07/01/2020 16:41

You are in Governance and it's your duty to knock this on the head. Say it directly and often til it stops. Sadly it's not uncommon And Chair probably has no ideas of his own!

EntropyRising · 07/01/2020 16:41

But you could maybe fight shy of saying it's just women he ignores and see if there's improvement - he will probably get v defensive at the implication of sexism.

Tableclothing · 07/01/2020 16:45

I don’t understand why he only does it to the women.

Yeah, you do. Assuming you're also female, I wouldn't expect him to respond well to you saying anything to him in a 1-1. I'd try what milliefiori said about lightly picking up on it in meetings.

Original poster
sunshinepoppy · 07/01/2020 16:48

I do have specific examples but I don’t know if giving them to him is a bit agressive. I hate the idea of having to witness him doing this in future meetings. It is so dismissive of the women (me included) there.

OP posts:
pallisers · 07/01/2020 16:49

I don’t understand why he only does it to the women.

sure you do :)
You need to start calling him on it so:

Sunshinepoppy: What colour hats do we need?
Headteacher?: Historically we need blue hats because the school started on a boat.
Chair: What you have to understand is historically because the school started on a boat we need blue hats.
Sunshinepoppy yes headteacher just pointed that out. Thanks headteacher

pallisers · 07/01/2020 16:51

Or you could just ignore him and turn to headteacher and say "Thanks headteacher, that is really good to know"

This is very common, unfortunately.

unbaffled · 07/01/2020 16:53

Complete waste of time mentioning it to him when it is just the two of you in the debrief meeting and you will do yourself no good at all. The time to call him out on it is in a full meeting with everybody there. And only when he does it to you. There's no point in sticking your head above the parapet to defend other people, because there is a high likelihood that they will backpedal at a million miles an hour rather than agree with you in front of him.

Original poster
sunshinepoppy · 07/01/2020 16:54

@pallisers I would be fascinated to know why this is common. What is going on inside his mind? Is it conscious?

OP posts:
beethebee · 07/01/2020 16:55

Right, there is an 'amplification' (business strategy) tool for this that works pretty well.

Basically, you need to get together with the other women who'll be attending the meetings and agree among yourselves to work together, if you can.

Every time a woman makes a pertinent point, one or several of the other women will jump in to say something along the lines of "As 'sunshinepoppy' said, we should think about xyz". It helps if at least 2 other women do it so that there's no doubt left in anyone's mind who raised the initial point.

At the beginning try to do it every time, but hopefully the chair will start to twig on after a while and it can become a bit less frequent.

beethebee · 07/01/2020 16:56

Agree it is very common.

HollowTalk · 07/01/2020 16:57

It's engrained in him. I wouldn't bring it up in a private meeting. As others say, bring it up every single time he does it in a general meeting.

Original poster
sunshinepoppy · 07/01/2020 16:58

@beethebee that is a really good strategy. I wonder if it will work if he is doing it subconsciously?

OP posts:
Newyeardietstartstomorrow · 07/01/2020 16:58

I would get together with the other women normally in attendance, make sure you all have each others backs and raise his attitude in a meeting as an item on the agenda.

Butchyrestingface · 07/01/2020 17:00

How old is he?

A very generous reading of the sich is that he has hearing loss affecting his ability to discriminate voices in the higher registers.

The fact that in your eg he repeated word-for-word what his victim said suggests otherwise though.

HollowTalk · 07/01/2020 17:01

ingrained?