EXH wants to change DS's party- on Sat!

[mynamechangemyrules]

DS has a crap beginning of Jan birthday (sorry anyone else who does!).

I asked him pre Xmas to choose between big cheap park footie party and 3 people to a fancy adventure place (and for complete info- I also texted ExH to say this was the issue and did he have an opinion). He'll be 9 and did park party last year. DS 'couldn't decide' and we've been away for new year so on the 4th I said I'd decide and we invited people for park football. (We live in somewhere warmer than the U.K.!)

Just completed awful divorce from controlling and abusive ExH but have always, at every point kept his access to the children open, honest and amicable. He fights and picks at every.single.thing.

Today he suggests another venue (rented pitch) and earlier (by 1hr) time for the party.

I replied with queries; price (he pays for 10% of our costs despite earning exactly double my salary) and whether it could still have original timing. He replies with an insane rant ending with 'you've ruined his birthday for him. Well done'

So.
AIBU: suck it up, have the earlier time (3-5pm), better pitch and pay.
IANBU: stick to what it is and ignore rants.

Or maybe a third- I'm not being unreasonable, he is, but still go for the better pitch and pay the equivalent of gbp120 for it.

How about telling him that the friends can't make it an hour earlier, so changing the time would ruin his birthday more?

What does your DS want?

Have the invites gone out?

What's the advantage of the place your DH is proposing?

Easy.
I will be sticking to the original plan.

You are more than welcome to arrange your own party for DS. And then I'd note.

*ignore

Stick with your original plan. I expect you’ve told guests and organised everything already? It’s not you chopping and changing plans, it’s him. Tell him next year he can organise and pay for everything, but this year you’re sticking to the plans. And tell him if he sends anymore abusive emails (use that exact word) you’re going to block him for a few days until he’s got himself under control, you’re not accepting it anymore. If he can’t be polite and controlled for a joint birthday party he can celebrate it separately afterwards. There is no need to share parties..

On the face of it changing seems ridiculous at this late stage. Why dies he want to?

Without an extremely good reason I'd just say no. No discussion. Wouldn't waste my breath.

@SandyY2K
Invites went out and I have 16 children coming.

Advantages are it's a real pitch not just park area. Closer to home.
Disadvantage is just the time- I think 3-5 is random because I was planning a tea there. But maybe I just take cake and get over myself.

Problem is I've lost sight of what's worth fighting about.

@Honeyroar I feel quite teary reading that. They are abusive. Still!! After all this distance I've tried to get and I'm still fucking dealing with this day in day out.

Stick with your plan. Ignore your ex who is just being a dick for the sake of it.

Kids and parents have accepted on when and where it is. Rude to change it now and disruptive.

Your ex is still trying to abuse you. Don’t let him.

I doubt very much that 16 children are going to spend 2 hours playing a serious football match. They're going to jump around, kick the ball, kick each other, run off, eat snacks, roll on the grass, and tell jokes etc. So what is the point of paying 120 GBP for a real pitch?

I'm guessing your Ex wants you to spend time making arrangements with the new venue, dealing with the guests and change of place/time, sorting out party vittles (of his choice naturally) paying for everything, transporting anyone who needs transport and clearing up, all while he acts the big "I am" and does sod all!

Go with stilldoesntknow's reply!

Stick with the plan. He's just messing with it to mess with you. I agree about blocking him for a couple of days if he cannot be civil.

I don't think you necessarily need to be communicating with him at the level you are. You don't need to run every decision by him any more. When the kids are with you, that is your time and you are in charge. Step back from speaking to him, way way back. Obviously it would be great in an ideal world if you could have a friendly coparenting relationship with him. But he is the one that made that impossible by being an abusive dick.

I think it would be weird and rude to change the start time after the invitations have been sent and people have accepted.

Is he not very well mannered / sociable your EXH? He sounds as if he's never organised a party before.

Well as invites have gone out, it's a done deal. You can't mess ppl around by changing last minute.

Stick with your plan. Your Ex doesn't get a say at this late stage.

I would also do what honeyroar said.

You don't have to share parties. He can arrange another one the way he likes.

Ignore his rants OP.
This is a total no brainer.
You have 16 people coming to a certain place at a certain time.
Your fuckwit abusive Ex can organise his own party for next week if he really wants to!
You do what you planned.
Stop allowing him any head space over things like this.
Maintain your boundaries.
Don't allow him to over step them.

If you change it now chances are you'll get some going to the wrong place. Tell exh you're not stopping him from arranging a party but he can't hijack yours! You gave him a chance to offer an opinion before xmas so he had no right to make changes now.

Good luck standing up to him. In the end you're the one who's sent the invites and made all the arrangements, it's unlikely he'll go to any further effort and he's just using this as a chance to rattle you.

The invitations have gone out. It's too late. Just say so and don't engage further on it.

You can’t change the time once people have said yes.

Ignore him. He’s still trying to undermine you and make you doubt your decisions.
I agree with the others, the invites have been sent and accepted, it’s too late to make any major amendments.

Silly to change the time after invites have gone out unless you really have to for some reason.

I feel like I want to print your answers out and stick them on my wall. I know this AIBU is quite specific, but he does this type of thing for every event or decision, however small.
The divorce was finalised in Dec. I have sole care and control (not sure if same term in U.K.? They live with me full time and visit him once a week- individually of course as he doesn't like to have all 3 at once ) so now it's final I need to start getting some boundaries (and self respect...) in place.

And massive thanks, your answers have given me strength.