EXH wants to change DS's party- on Sat!

[mynamechangemyrules]

DS has a crap beginning of Jan birthday (sorry anyone else who does!).

I asked him pre Xmas to choose between big cheap park footie party and 3 people to a fancy adventure place (and for complete info- I also texted ExH to say this was the issue and did he have an opinion). He'll be 9 and did park party last year. DS 'couldn't decide' and we've been away for new year so on the 4th I said I'd decide and we invited people for park football. (We live in somewhere warmer than the U.K.!)

Just completed awful divorce from controlling and abusive ExH but have always, at every point kept his access to the children open, honest and amicable. He fights and picks at every.single.thing.

Today he suggests another venue (rented pitch) and earlier (by 1hr) time for the party.

I replied with queries; price (he pays for 10% of our costs despite earning exactly double my salary) and whether it could still have original timing. He replies with an insane rant ending with 'you've ruined his birthday for him. Well done'

So.
AIBU: suck it up, have the earlier time (3-5pm), better pitch and pay.
IANBU: stick to what it is and ignore rants.

Or maybe a third- I'm not being unreasonable, he is, but still go for the better pitch and pay the equivalent of gbp120 for it.

You KNOW he’s an arse..

IGNORE
IGNORE
IGNORE

Your DC was obviously not bothered as would have had more of an opinion on it in the first place. DC will not have more fun if it’s a different better pitch, it‘ll make no difference to DCs fun.

You can’t change the time once the invitations have gone out and been accepted.

Bugger all to do with him now.

Stick to your plans, this bloke is only doing this to destabilise and undermine you.

“Plans stay as already agreed and arranged, by all means go ahead and arrange your own separate party celebrations in future. Oh and don’t bother with sending any more abuse via email or text, I’m blocking you for the meantime until you’ve calmed yourself down enough to be civil and put your own child first.”

You have to be clear, succinct and fixed. Any wiggle and it’ll encourage him to try it again.

Abusers are sooooooooo boringly reliable, they all do the same things; hurting innocent kids to get at their victims.

Honestly, look up grey rock and don’t feed him any attention ever again.

No more shared arrangements, don’t consult him on birthdays, inform him of the arrangements you are making but leave him to make his own. He doesn’t have to attend anything you arrange. After all he doesn’t pay enough for you to be able to continually sub him.

He doesn’t like to have all three kids at once? So you have 3 sets of times where you have to facilitate/be where you need to be to get them etc? Don’t the kids all want to be together with him?

He’s deliberately making your life and arrangements harder to punish you.

Put a stop to this ASAP, the sooner the better so it’s not too much of a routine to change for the kids.

Once the invites have gone out, it's too late to change.

Next year, if he wants input, he needs to put in his two cents worth in the planning stage, well before the invites go out.

Learning experience for him.

Agree with others - plans have been made, no point changing them now, potentially irritating 16 other parents and children and having to pay £120 for the privilege! Save yourself the money and the hassle and stick to YOUR plans. If he was that bothered he would've texted something pre Christmas when you originally tried to organise it. I don't think it is about the venue/time for him, it is more about seeing if he is still able to control you. Don't let him.

I think sometimes exes can want you to be flustered or angry on the day so that they can show DS / the other guests that you are the crazy rude ex and HE is just cool and calm and polite and reasonable. He sounds incredibly hard work and I hope post-divorce you are able to escape his controlling behaviour and manipulation.

Stay strong and I hope your DS has a wonderful day 🎂

Stick with the original plan. They're 9 they'll be fine without a posh pitch and it's too late to mess around he had a chance to come up with a plan when originally asked.

I hope you aren't the one making 3 trips a week to facility his crappy parenting!!????
That needs to change.
HE had 3 DC with you. HE has to look after them together.
Stop pandering to this controlling twat.
He only 'can't cope with 3' because you enable him not to have to!
He is a parent to 3 children.
What if something happened to you and he had to take them all on long term?
He'd manage because he'd have to.
Just like you have to.
You need a break too.
He's doing this so you have no chance of a proper social life.
Fuck that - BOUNDARIES!!!!!

He is your ex and I know it's hard but you are still allowing him to control you.
You only need to say yes or no to him and keep contact a min for your child.
Stop being so bloody accommodating, and tell him to do one, he's nothing to you now.
Get proper maintenance sorted and make sure contact is court ordered.

Keep it as it is, 16 invites have been accepted, you can't change the time.m now.

But as other pp have said, your ex is being an arse

Just to agree with everyone else, there's no need to involve him in this at all, tbh that's were you went wrong, nothing to do with him and you don't change party arrangements once the invitations have gone out.

Only one thing I disagree with you on, 3-5 is a perfectly normal party time ime but obviously it may be different where you are.

I'd just very simply say the plans have already been made and you won't be changing them.

Don't say he's abusive, don't tell him he's controlling - he'll just argue back. Just stick to the point, don't engage further and don't respond if he starts going on at you.

Sounds like your ex is being a bellend and that he has done this to hurt you, in a cruel way by playing on the one thing he knows will hurt you - your sons feelings.

No way have you ruined your son's birthday. I think he'll really enjoy being with his friends messing about.

You did everything right here. You gave your son a choice. You gave your Ex the chance to speak up when it was reasonable for him to do so. He chose not to.

Unless your Ex was raised by wolves in a barn he knows it's not reasonable or practical to change a children's party 5 days before it's due to begin for logistical reasons and because it's rude to your guests. He's just being difficult for being difficults sake.

I also just wouldn't engage with stupid arguments about "spoiling DS's birthday". Simply let him know the birthday will go ahead as planned. He sounds like the type of person who will argue till he's blue in the face that 1+1=3 if it means he's right and you're wrong.

Also 3-5 is a normal party time around where I live. There used to be morning parties when the kids were younger but it's shifted to afternoons now.

He doesn't want to have all the kids at once so that you never get any time to yourself and can never meet anyone else/ have a life for yourself outside of being a mother to his kids.

You need to put a stop to it and have some proper fixed contact arrangements for all the kids at once.

The chance that all 16 of the kids that have accepted will be able to make the earlier time is slim as families will have other plans they've made around this. He is the one being unreasonable OP

You've had some great advice here OP.

Your Ex is an abusive knob headed twat. I agree with PP that you should stop engaging with him so much, apply for proper maintenance and court ordered visits for all three children together. He is continuinfg to abuse you.Don't let him.

he can always organise another one himself & pay for it completely

Oh and don’t bother with sending any more abuse via email or text, I’m blocking you for the meantime until you’ve calmed yourself down enough to be civil and put your own child first

Don't bother with this but. It's just playing right into his hands. Give as little conversation as is necessary. The above is unnecessary and inviting argument. Do you think an abusive arsehole is going to say "fair point. Sorry".

Ignore everything. The party plans stand. I bet he doesn't even know what friends to invite. Your son lives with you and you will be bringing him to the party. So he has no physical way of changing the party plans.

Just do not engage. Short, monosyllabic answers. Do not invite discussion in any sense.

You're not dealing with a normal reasonable person. You will never win by arguing back. You will never have the last word. Learn when to say less. It doesn't mean he wins. It means you don't get involved.

Stick with the plan. There's no way all 16 invitees are going to be able to change.

He's just messing with you, use one of the messages suggested by pp, and I'd also agree with JasonPollack's posts about stepping back and also about making sure he has all the DC at the same time.

Don't rush to answer his messages, and perhaps have an email address just for him. It's easy enough to create more email addresses with gmail, yahoo, etc.

He's your ex, you don't have to jump when he contacts you.

He doesn't like to have all three at once? I feel bad for you. It sounds as if he is trying to control you by never letting you have a life without the children.

I'd be stopping that if I could.

Good luck, I hope you have a great party. You deserve it!

I play a game with my ex, it's called 'how can I reply using the least amount of words' it's amazing how many of his selfish, bullying rants I can reply with 'ok'.

Especially when I actually took the time to read them, and could see that after paragraph after paragraph of him slagging me off, he didn't actually ask me a question.

As other pp have said, stop accommodating him, plus if he wants to see the dc, he can have them all at once

I had one of these twonks...

You need boundaries, firm boundaries and stop giving him any say in things. He's paying 10%? So a £100 party not including gift bags, food, drinks... He's paying a tenner. No! You organise the party for your lovely boy and let him have fun.

You have parental responsibility for the children. You get to set the boundaries. Set up access. You can have the children from 4pm on Friday until 4pm on Sunday every other week. You must take all children not one at a time... Until you start standing up to him you will have no life.