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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

family presents

63 replies

samidolls · 07/01/2020 11:03

I need some perspective. AIBU?

It’s about presents. It’s always the same for birthdays and Christmas. My FIL gives me half of what dh gets. It has always been the same (and has always bugged me), It’s the same for my bil & sil and their spouses. We all get half of what the ‘actual child’ gets. I would like to point out my issue is now about the amount received but what it represents.

Dh and I have been together for 13 years so it’s not like this is a new thing, but now ds is here its irking me even more.

This Christmas when asked what ds wanted for Christmas we asked for a small present and when they gave it to him, they gave him some money to make it equal to what they has spent on the the other grandchildren. This amount was the same as what ds got, but obvs double what I got.

I realise I may sound greedy or selfish here and I just want to say again this is not about monetary value (hence why I haven’t said how much). I’d be happy if we all received £3 selection boxes.

I would never do this, my parents don’t do it, dh and I get the same spent on us (and I’m sure ds has twice as much!) and the same with my mil (mil and fil are split and have been the entire time I have known them), we are all equal to everybody else, so aibu to be bothered by this, I feeling like its saying “you aren’t real family”. Do I need to get over myself?

OP posts:
LoisLittsLover · 07/01/2020 11:06

I think if that's how fil arranges it for all partners then that's fine and his choice. My parents don't spend equally on me and dh for birthdays and neither do in laws

NoMorePoliticsPlease · 07/01/2020 11:09

When there are grandchildren involved there should be equity. There is little need to buy presents for the adults. Just ask for no presents or a small token

crustycrab · 07/01/2020 11:10

The norm in my family. Never crossed my mind to feel put out by it

CalmdownJanet · 07/01/2020 11:10

What it represents? It represents exactly what it is surely, that your not his child but he likes you, thinks of you as family and wants to buy you a gift, but no you aren't equal, why would you be?

This is totally normal with anyone I know, certainly both our families and I assume most people. I think yabu and that you'll be in the minority here

CalmdownJanet · 07/01/2020 11:11

*you're

HilaryBriss · 07/01/2020 11:12

I'm another whose in-laws give far more than to my DP of 10 years than to me (£500 v £100). Doesn't bother me tbh, he's their flesh and blood, I'm not, I'm very grateful that they give me what they do.

thesparrowflieshigh · 07/01/2020 11:12

My MIL gives DH a cheque to split any way he chooses between him, me and the dcConfused

SoulStarS · 07/01/2020 11:13

Yes you need to get over yourself. You do not get to dictate how someone else chooses to spend their money.

ZeroFuchsGiven · 07/01/2020 11:14

I realise I may sound greedy or selfish here

Yes, You do.

SoulStarS · 07/01/2020 11:14

Not ‘dictate’ as such, but certainly not be put out by.

sue51 · 07/01/2020 11:15

I think I spent about 350 on my DD and 200 on her DH. If he was pissed off by this, it didn’t show. I think YABU.

cliffsofabandon · 07/01/2020 11:16

I'd say that's pretty normal personally. I get less than my DH from my MIL (who is the most lovely women alive) and I wouldn't even think to question it or be bothered by it. I'm not her child 🤷🏻‍♀️ my DH gets less from my parents too.

My MIL does treat my eldest who is my DH stepson completely equal to all her biological grandkids (even opened him a savings account like all her others have) so she's a completely fair and lovely woman

Whynosnowyet · 07/01/2020 11:16

If you aren't seen as proper family then they won't be expecting dotage care from you will they?
Winner imo...

XJerseyGirlX · 07/01/2020 11:18

Oh god, my mum still always spoils me at Christmas (im 36) and my DH gets less spent on him. Im her child and would be a bit miffed tbh if she spent the same on DH lol ..

CakeandCustard28 · 07/01/2020 11:18

Least you got something. You sound really spoilt, it’s their money therefore their choice what they do with it.

fringeforever · 07/01/2020 11:20

I don't think there's anything amiss here. My mother gets me quite a few items for Christmas and usually just something small for dh.

MrsAgassi · 07/01/2020 11:21

Perfectly normal!

Rezie · 07/01/2020 11:21

I spend more on my parents than on my in-laws.

AryaStarkWolf · 07/01/2020 11:22

Sorry OP but yeah you really need to get a grip, you're not their child no matter how long you're married, what an odd thing to be put out over.

harrypotterfan1604 · 07/01/2020 11:22

My in laws spend the same on me as they do my DP we’ve been together 11 years. I think they spent too much personally but it’s their choice and they can afford it. My mum can’t afford a lot at all, she spends what she can on me even though I tell her there’s no need but usually just a smelly set for DP this makes me feel so guilty because his mum spends a lot of me and always buy very thoughtful gifts. I used to bug him something and wrap it from my mum but I’m now a student so have little income myself.
My DP doesn’t care and understands my mum struggles with money but it bothers me a bit

OhWellThatsJustGreat · 07/01/2020 11:22

I think you're being a bit unreasonable, especially as it's his money and he does the same across the board.
I wouldn't know or do I care how much my inlaws spend on me in comparison to dh, they're pretty well off, so I assume they increased their Christmas spending especially since we had ds. Whereas my parents don't have a lot of spare money, so they have split what they spend on me, and spend it on us both now. Although with ds, they spend more to buy him presents.

elQuintoConyo · 07/01/2020 11:25

What? My parents get me a gift and something token for my DH of 20+ years (shirt, book, cd type thing). Why would they spend £100 on me and DH when DH isn't their son?

DH is one of 6 children, 4 of them have partners. Should Fil spend £100 on his DC, their partners AND 8 dgc? Where does it end?

You sound totally ungrateful and grabby and rather narrow-minded.

Yummymummy2020 · 07/01/2020 11:25

This would be normal to me too I have to say and wouldn’t bother me as I also would spend significantly more on my own parents than dh”s, as far as I know this is how other families I know do things aswell.

Huntlybyelection · 07/01/2020 11:27

I haven't had a birthday or Christmas present from my in laws for a good 5 or 6 years now. H still got a shirt from them on his birthday and Christmas up until 3 years ago. Now he gets nothing too. So we are even. Hooray.

Honestly OP, you're over thinking this. I doubt you'd be glad for everyone getting a £3 selection box, it sounds like you are miffed you aren't getting as much money as your husband.

Be grateful for what you do receive rather than ungrateful for what you haven't received.

thecatsthecats · 07/01/2020 11:29

I think the reverse is odd actually.

I am my parent's actually bloody child. I did my time as their offspring, fgs! I grew up with them for 18 years and they nurtured me (in their own special way) from infanthood.

Too bloody right I'm more important to them than my husband Grin.

Of course I value my in laws blah blah blah. But my husband is my partner, my choice, they couldn't choose me for him, and if we divorced, of course they'd look after their son.

This wittering on abut family is all counter-intuitive, and IMO, is linked to more upset and unbalanced behaviour than those who have cheery, friendly and boundaried relationships based on the actualities of life, not little fantasies that getting married means your in laws are the exact equivalent of your parents.