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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

family presents

63 replies

samidolls · 07/01/2020 11:03

I need some perspective. AIBU?

It’s about presents. It’s always the same for birthdays and Christmas. My FIL gives me half of what dh gets. It has always been the same (and has always bugged me), It’s the same for my bil & sil and their spouses. We all get half of what the ‘actual child’ gets. I would like to point out my issue is now about the amount received but what it represents.

Dh and I have been together for 13 years so it’s not like this is a new thing, but now ds is here its irking me even more.

This Christmas when asked what ds wanted for Christmas we asked for a small present and when they gave it to him, they gave him some money to make it equal to what they has spent on the the other grandchildren. This amount was the same as what ds got, but obvs double what I got.

I realise I may sound greedy or selfish here and I just want to say again this is not about monetary value (hence why I haven’t said how much). I’d be happy if we all received £3 selection boxes.

I would never do this, my parents don’t do it, dh and I get the same spent on us (and I’m sure ds has twice as much!) and the same with my mil (mil and fil are split and have been the entire time I have known them), we are all equal to everybody else, so aibu to be bothered by this, I feeling like its saying “you aren’t real family”. Do I need to get over myself?

OP posts:
cstaff · 07/01/2020 11:30

My Parents would always be fairly equal moneywise whether it is for one of their own kids or the inlaws. But that is just their way. I would be the same with my BIL and SIL but that probably just follows down from my folks. I never really thought too much about it. It is just your FILs way and he is consistent with it. It is not like he is treating another IL any different. I certainly wouldn't be making an issue out of it.

Goodnightjude1 · 07/01/2020 11:31

Ungrateful much.....?

Surely it’s up to him how much he spends on people. I’d say as long as it’s fairly equal between grandchildren....who cares?

Besidesthepoint · 07/01/2020 11:32

Normal in our family. MIL gives me less than DH and my dad gives DH less than me. We never really thought about it and it doesn't matter to us.

We are a bit Hmm that our siblings get more than us but they are the favourites so we never say anything about it.

WikkiTikkiWoo · 07/01/2020 11:33

Is this not normal??? I spend less on my nieces partners than I do on my nieces...

JosefKeller · 07/01/2020 11:34

You are very greedy and grabby!

You are not their child, why do you think they should treat like you were. It would be weird if all the other partners were treated differently from you, but they are not.

They want to treat their own child once in a while, they sound like very good parents.

LtJudyHopps · 07/01/2020 11:35

This is totally normally. And you are beyond grabby.

Original poster
samidolls · 07/01/2020 11:35

thanks for all the answers. Clearly it seems to be the norm.

As for the people who think I'm greedy and money grabbing, as I did try to make clear this is not the issue. It's not about monetary value etc. I was raised to believe family is family no matter what, it doesn't matter if they are in'laws, step, half. everybody is equal and treated as such!

It seems this is not the way most other people think.

I wanted to see what other people thought as for example we would not spend less of our bil/sil than we would on dh actual brother or sister, and to me that would extend the same way with the other inlaws too.

Thanks for the insight!

OP posts:
DuMondeB · 07/01/2020 11:41

I would never expect my husband’s relatives to give me the axact same value present as they give to the person they have known since birth and seen grow up.

And in future, I do not expect to have to consider the monetary value of gifts to my children’s hypothetical partners - treating them with respect and kindness is the Important bit.

Damn, I hope none of my kids choose partners who mentally tot up the value of what everyone else has - that doesn’t seem at all healthy to me.

79andnotout · 07/01/2020 11:42

My inlaws get me a token gift like socks, and my partner a gift worth a couple of hundred quid or so. My family get me and my partner nothing, presents stopped when I turned 18. Doesn't bother me.

2020BetterBeBetter · 07/01/2020 11:43

Normal here as well and amongst those I know. Remember you can treat equally without spending the same amount of money, and you can treat someone without necessarily preferring them.

AryaStarkWolf · 07/01/2020 11:44

I was raised to believe family is family no matter what, it doesn't matter if they are in'laws, step, half. everybody is equal and treated as such!

Oh come on, if you and your DH split up, do you think your parents would still treat you both the same? Of course they wouldn't because he isn't their child and never was

Original poster
samidolls · 07/01/2020 11:44

I would also like to point out we are only ever given cash so I'm not 'totting it up' its very obvious.

OP posts:
irregularegular · 07/01/2020 11:45

Actually we do that. When my mum was alive, she was always more generous to me and my sisters than to our husbands.

My sisters and I also spend more on each other than on our respective husbands. We also only do birthday presents for each other, not husbands. Also spend less on the children generally - but it is easier to buy nice inexpensive gifts for children than for adults.

Seems fine to me. Would perhaps be different if the husbands were actively involved in buying the presents, but they aren't. They are definitely not bothered. We've also considered not buying for them at all at least some years.

sarahjconnor · 07/01/2020 11:47

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Nanny0gg · 07/01/2020 11:48

Sorry. It's what we do too. And my DC's inlaws

DuMondeB · 07/01/2020 11:48

Crikey - if it’s all cash gifts you sound even grabbier.

Unless you give the same amount back? Which would make it all a pointless ritual!

Mummyshark2018 · 07/01/2020 11:48

Norm in my family too!

HunterHearstHelmsley · 07/01/2020 11:50

It's the norm in my family to do this. I imagine it is for most families tbh.

I like to treat my sister as she's pretty skint at the moment. I buy her partner a few bits and pieces but spend nowhere near the same.

hm246 · 07/01/2020 12:02

My side on the family give my DH half of what I get. Think it’s pretty standard.

mumofBeth · 07/01/2020 12:02

We try to give thoughtful gifts that will be appreciated so some years monetary value for a couple will be vastly different, other years it will be the same, it has never been commented on. Similarly I would be appalled if my children even noted the monetary value of gifts, they are taught to appreciate the thought.

Myotherusernamewastakenagain · 07/01/2020 12:10

That's what happens with my OH and the in-laws. My parents split things equally. I've never given it any thought tbh. I'm grateful for any sort of gift and never have any expectations.

ohprettybaby · 07/01/2020 12:13

I can understand why you feel aggrieved. It does seem as if the ILS are spending more on your DH and DS because they are their blood relatives.

My DM always spends the same amount on her children and our spouses. My late DF used to too. Our spouses are seen as extra children and loved by them.

We never used to spend as much on my PIL as on my DP though as they just weren't that bothered about Christmas and never had been.

EdersonsSmileyTattoo · 07/01/2020 12:15

Normal here too!!

For Xmas DH & I each get vouchers from his parents, DH then gets a few extras. From my DF we both get cash, mine will either be substantially more or the same and I’ll get extras as well.

I couldn’t get worked up about this, you sound very grabby and entitled!

MrsAgassi · 07/01/2020 12:18

I don’t believe that everybody is equal in a family. My parents love my husband but they love me more! My IL’s have passed away but they loved my husband more than me, even though we got on very well. He’s their son, I wouldn’t expect it to be any different!

RuthW · 07/01/2020 12:18

No way would I spend the same on my daughter and her boyfriend!