family presents

[samidolls]

I need some perspective. AIBU?

It’s about presents. It’s always the same for birthdays and Christmas. My FIL gives me half of what dh gets. It has always been the same (and has always bugged me), It’s the same for my bil & sil and their spouses. We all get half of what the ‘actual child’ gets. I would like to point out my issue is now about the amount received but what it represents.

Dh and I have been together for 13 years so it’s not like this is a new thing, but now ds is here its irking me even more.

This Christmas when asked what ds wanted for Christmas we asked for a small present and when they gave it to him, they gave him some money to make it equal to what they has spent on the the other grandchildren. This amount was the same as what ds got, but obvs double what I got.

I realise I may sound greedy or selfish here and I just want to say again this is not about monetary value (hence why I haven’t said how much). I’d be happy if we all received £3 selection boxes.

I would never do this, my parents don’t do it, dh and I get the same spent on us (and I’m sure ds has twice as much!) and the same with my mil (mil and fil are split and have been the entire time I have known them), we are all equal to everybody else, so aibu to be bothered by this, I feeling like its saying “you aren’t real family”. Do I need to get over myself?

Your not his child.

You are very ungrateful. Maybe he shouldn't bother getting you anything this year, see how you like that

It's the norm on both sides of the family here too to spend more in the actual relative than the in laws. Though our parents often (at our request) buy us a bigger joint present for the house so I guess then it is equal.

My mum spends far more on me (and her grandchildren) than she does on DH. Wouldn’t occur to him to be miffed I don’t think! My dad tends to get us a joint present (weekend away etc), so equal I guess. In laws just put one lump sum of cash into our joint account for us both.

I do exactly the same and I am horrified that my children’s partners may think like you do.

The ones I gave birth to many, many years ago ARE closer to me than the ones I have welcomed into my family in the last decade.

You are unreasonable.

My parents spend the same on me and dh as they do with all the family. Mil however gets me the bare minimum cheap toiletries and cheap perfume. I get you're annoyance. I got a load of shite last year and it was frustrating especially when I'm the one who goes out of my way to get her nice presents.

My DPs give my (single) DB and I the supposedly same amount, only he deducts the amount he's spent on my DC from mine with the remainder paid by a cheque made out to both my DH and I, and my DF always makes a big fuss about how its to be shared equally between DH and I. So if they give my DB say £250, and give £50 each to my 2 DC, then my DH and I will have a cheque for £150 to split between us. So I have £75 whilst my DB gets £250. DF will insist he gives us exactly the same, though.

My dad has a strange knack for being simultaneously extremely generous and tight, though. He'll do stuff like offer to pay for the Christmas Turkey which we order online, but when I pass him the bill to reimburse me, he'll knock off the (mandatory) delivery charge because he "only offered to pay for the Turkey". Bizarre.

On the whole though, I'm just glad my parents are still here to spend Christmases with us, and that they love us and want to give us presents. TBF, they're pretty old (90s) which I think accounts for some of their less than logical thinking.

Honestly OP, don't sweat it. You have inlaws who care for you and give you a generous gift each year. Be grateful for that.

My mum always gets us fairly equal or joint gifts but I think however long you've been together of course the parent is going to care more about their actual child than their child's spouse. If you got divorced if you stayed in touch with in laws at all you'd see less of them than they'd see of their actual children. My in laws do tend to give more thoughtful gifts to DH but that's because they know him better love him more are closer to him and can give him something special. It's never occurred to me to be bothered.

I agree with most people on here, but in this situation is it about how your FIL focuses on the monetary value?

Because it just seems odd to me that there is such focus, and they are 'making up' people's gifts with money so that they are 'equal'.

For me, gift giving is about selecting, and giving, a gift.

My mum spends more on me than DP, but that fact is never even considered as we are both just happy with the 'gift' that has been chosen for us. We don't care how much it cost.

I think if my FIL or MIL made a big point of the monetary equivalent of every single gift, it would start to bother me too. Totally not in the spirit in any way!

I think your attitude to present giving is nuts. I would never expect to get a gift to the same value as Dh would get. How bizarre to think that just because you are married you assume you should then be treated like their daughter instead of a daughter in law.

Same here. PILs spend more on their children than the spouses thereof.
DH gets a £50 gift voucher and mine is £25. Same for mils other 3 children and spouses. It has been thus for over 30 years and I've never given it a second thought. It seems normal to me. The only thing that bugs me about it is that she doesn't seem to realise that over the past 30 years there has never been any increase in the amount which means effectively that, given inflation, the gift's value is getting smaller and smaller. Perhaps I'll mention it next time I see her.

@YummyChipCurryDip

The only thing that bugs me about it is that she doesn't seem to realise that over the past 30 years there has never been any increase in the amount which means effectively that, given inflation, the gift's value is getting smaller and smaller. Perhaps I'll mention it next time I see her.

You're joking, right?

I give my adult DC a more generous cash gift than their partners - I look on it as an advance on their inheritance. I did check with my DC recently if they thought it was odd/offensive but they all said they didn't.

You're joking, right?

Of course