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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Mummy fail - please help me feel better!

66 replies

Hardymonica · 07/01/2020 09:27

We got a rabbit a few months ago and my shy dd (age 8) has become quite obsessed with it and all things rabbity. It’s literally all she talks about and she keeps pretending to be a rabbit at home. I’ve recently started helping out at after school club and I’ve noticed that her obsession is spilling into her school life too. I’ve noticed quite a few times that her peers look a bit fed up of playing rabbits with her (they seem a bit more grown up) and they even come up to me and moan that “dd is always talking about rabbits!”.

So this morning I tried to gently say to her that maybe it would be good to play something different once in a while, not just rabbits and she got so upset, crying and everything. I felt sick to my stomach. I love her quirkyness and I’ve always tried to build her social confidence and now I feel like I’ve ruined everything and made her feel embarrassed. It wasn’t my intention at all, I was just trying to make her a little more aware so that the other children wouldn’t start being mean. I feel like I’ve totally messed up and I won’t say anything like it again but please tell me I haven’t scarred her confidence for life. I feel like an awful Mum.

OP posts:

Bluntness100 · 07/01/2020 09:31

Honestly you sound a little bit sensitive yourself, which is likely rubbing off on her, you must know that suggesting other games isn't some form of fail.

Original poster

Hardymonica · 07/01/2020 09:32

It was her reaction, she got so tearful and angry. I’d obviously not worded it right and made it sound like I was embarrassed or something.

OP posts:

PrincessPain · 07/01/2020 09:34

Maybe make the conversation more about letting other people talk about themselves and choose a game as well because sharing in other peoples interests is fun.
It'll help her develop other interests and her friendships.

MatildaTheCat · 07/01/2020 09:35

You didn’t fail, you were right. She will be fine.

BTW, to make you smile, I took DN, 5, to a pet store yesterday and she ‘chose’ a rabbit. An albino with pink eyes and ears and has named it Beetroot. She’s a very healthy girl.

Original poster

Hardymonica · 07/01/2020 09:36

Thank you Matilda! That rabbit sounds lush! Ours is called Carrots 😊

OP posts:

GiveHerHellFromUs · 07/01/2020 09:37

Oh don't worry OP. You did the right thing because her friends won't always want to play rabbit games and she needs to learn to be considerate of other people too.

She sounds super cute though.

Original poster

Hardymonica · 07/01/2020 09:38

Thank you she is, but just a bit young in her ways!! It was just breaking my heart seeing other kids rolling their eyes and she doesn’t seem very aware of others not being interested. I wish I hadn’t upset her though.

OP posts:

GiveHerHellFromUs · 07/01/2020 09:43

She'll have forgotten by home time and she'll come running out to tell you about a fun new game they played.

Casander · 07/01/2020 09:44

This made me smile, I was that child at school that wanted to be a pony. I played ponies, I drew ponies, I read every book I could find about ponies, everyone got sick of ponies I grew up to be a reasonably normal adult with 2 ponies

Gently suggesting she might like to play other games won't have damaged her in the long run and she'll probably have forgotten about it by the time she comes out of school, don't worry OP

GiveHerHellFromUs · 07/01/2020 09:46

@Casander how old were you? Because I went to school with a girl who still 'galloped' like a horse at 14 and that was a bit weird I'll be honest

GiveHerHellFromUs · 07/01/2020 09:47

I'm so glad you got your ponies!

ILoveAllRainbowsx · 07/01/2020 09:47

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

GroggyLegs · 07/01/2020 09:49

I voted YABU meaning you are unreasonable to think you've failed.

Parenting is hard, sometimes you have to do hard things like guiding them on acceptable social behaviour - which isn't boring everyone to death & isolating yourself by talking about rabbits, or in my DCs case 'The Greatest Showman' - and of course they will object & cry because they're children & that's not what they want to hear, but so long as you're not being a bully or shaming them, its fine.

Louiselouie0890 · 07/01/2020 09:54

Try not mentioning the rabbits and just encourage her to play something else. Instead of "not just rabbits" just say hey here's such a such wouldnt that be fun.

Casander · 07/01/2020 09:56

@GiveHerHellFromUs by the time I went to high school my parents were so sick of ponies they palmed me off to a local riding school where I practically lived until I left school so I don't think I galloped around at 14 but I can't be 100% sure

Notsure94 · 07/01/2020 10:05

This rang a bell! My niece expected to play puppies until she was way older than your daughter - acting like one, wanting friends to do the same. I have to admit the novelty wore off, charming as it was. If I was her mum I'd have probably gently pointed out that it's kind to play the games that other people like too, and talk about things others like to talk about.

Also my son always seemed younger than his more sophisticated peers but now he's at secondary school this has evened out a bit.

It can be upsetting if we are criticised, but part of being a parent is helping children navigate social situations. You're trying to protect her, that's all.

Equanimitas · 07/01/2020 10:07

No, you haven't messed up. Sooner or later her friends would either say this to her much more harshly, or would drop her. You had to forestall that.

Has she shown obsessive interests in the past?

Zaphodsotherhead · 07/01/2020 10:07

@Casander how old were you? Because I went to school with a girl who still 'galloped' like a horse at 14 and that was a bit weird I'll be honest

There is actually a 'thing' called 'Horsercise' where people pretend to be horses and trot and gallop to get fit!

And I have the feeling I might have cantered at fourteen. Collectedly, and with perfect flexion, obviously.

Purpledragon40 · 07/01/2020 10:08

She is a little kid they cry sometimes fairly randomly. Don't worry about it and try not to get caught up in worrying about whether she has friends as long as she is happy.

OrangeSlice · 07/01/2020 10:13

I think it's ok to help kids with social skills as you were doing. Ie not talking about the same thing all the time at school

Beau2019 · 07/01/2020 10:14

Teaching your daughter to consider other peoples interests/feelings at 8YO may I add is not a fail! In fact, my own mother would have maybe been a bit more firm/harsh than you and it wouldn't (didn't) bother me. My mum once firmly told me off for being selfish getting mad at my friends for not always wanting to play ponies in the garden (I was about 8-10) because if I wanted to keep my friends, we had to take it in turns what we played and it was important that I paid an interest in their likes. May sound harsh but she was totally right!

If she was 4/5 I'd maybe be a bit more sensitive but she's growing up, she needs to realise that other people have different interests and it can't always be about what she wants to play all the time. Maybe try introducing new games she can play with friends, as more of a distraction rather than telling her - if that makes sense? Remember, she isn't a baby anymore and part of being a mother is to guide her down the path of consideration of others, compassion, care etc, even if sometimes you have to be a bit harsh.

Honeyroar · 07/01/2020 10:14

I wouldn’t worry. I played ponies for years until I got one in my teens. I still have the obsession now, decades on!

Could you please consider getting carrots a companion rabbit, it’s pretty horrible for them living alone?

meatandcrustypies · 07/01/2020 10:23

YABU to call it a “mummy fail” . Otherwise please don’t worry, all you’ve done is to give her a pet that she adores, and to try and help her socially.

You could always show her “Watership Down”. That would cure her of playing rabbits

Zaphodsotherhead · 07/01/2020 10:26

(whispers) Now I don't have any ponies I sometimes canter by myself and jump over logs when I'm out running with the dog...

ssssh. Don't tell anyone. I'm 59....

BaolFan · 07/01/2020 10:31

I don't think you've failed at all - but maybe re-frame the advice?

If all your DD wants to do is talk and play rabbits then her other friends aren't getting a chance to do what they want. It's about building some social awareness and learning to compromise if you want to spend time with other people - you can't always have your own way.

Playing something else doesn't mean that she loves Carrots any less and he (she?) will still be there when she gets home from school.

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