Mummy fail - please help me feel better!

[Hardymonica]

We got a rabbit a few months ago and my shy dd (age 8) has become quite obsessed with it and all things rabbity. It’s literally all she talks about and she keeps pretending to be a rabbit at home. I’ve recently started helping out at after school club and I’ve noticed that her obsession is spilling into her school life too. I’ve noticed quite a few times that her peers look a bit fed up of playing rabbits with her (they seem a bit more grown up) and they even come up to me and moan that “dd is always talking about rabbits!”.

So this morning I tried to gently say to her that maybe it would be good to play something different once in a while, not just rabbits and she got so upset, crying and everything. I felt sick to my stomach. I love her quirkyness and I’ve always tried to build her social confidence and now I feel like I’ve ruined everything and made her feel embarrassed. It wasn’t my intention at all, I was just trying to make her a little more aware so that the other children wouldn’t start being mean. I feel like I’ve totally messed up and I won’t say anything like it again but please tell me I haven’t scarred her confidence for life. I feel like an awful Mum.

I read something recently to the effect that the expectation that children should always be happy was an unreasonable burden for parents and damaging to children. I’m inclined to agree. I know it’s unpleasant to see children upset but it’s important that they learn to get on with others and it’s also important that they learn to manage their own emotions. You did the right thing, you are only doubting yourself because your DD reacted so badly (which is a good thing! overreactions are a part of learning to view your emotional experience with a sense of proportionality, she may look back on her reaction in time and realise that things aren’t as bad as they seem in the heat of the moment, this may well be a very useful lesson to her in more ways than you intended). Please don’t put this kind of pressure on yourself, getting unexpectedly and extremely upset over little things which aren’t intended to be unkind is a part of childhood.

@Zaphodsotherhead I had a canter last week to see if I could still do it (I can). Never got my pony though.
Op, don't beat yourself up. Give her a big cuddle tonight, tell her she's very imaginative and you are happy she likes her favourite bunny games, but that being a good friend means listening and playing other people's favourite games too.

I harshly told my nearly 4yo to stop kicking her little brother today and she cried. I don't feel in the least bit guilty. She looked at my crossly and said "MUMMY! You made my eyes wet!" She's more upset that she's crying than being told off.

Your DD may be a little sensitive but we can't all be ferocious monsters (like DD )

Are you not a little concerned that she's wanting to play 'rabbits' at 8?

My DS (7) would LOVE your DD! he'd play rabbits all day long with her! He's the youngest in his year and very sensitive. Amazing imagination for games like that.

I worry about him too. All his friends are girls, well in particular 2 girls and these 2 girls are "best 'girl' friends" and have out of school meet ups that we're not invited along to. Their mums are close because of it. Recently they met up in the xmas holidays and one girl got the other those split Best/Friends necklaces and he told me and went all quiet and it breaks my heart (don't blame the girls in any way). I said to him recently why doesn't he try and make some more friends, maybe with some of the boys, and he had a similar reaction, like a terrifying suggestion. I also mentioned this to a lady at CAHMS (which he goes to due to anxiety, panic attacks that lead to migraines and vomiting) and she told me not to worry about this at all at this stage - it's an age group where a lot of boys and girls will play together without a second thought.

I think if I put up a post about it there would be similar stories -- girls who just have male friends too. No matter what our DC do we're going to worry think!

I think most kids go through stages of being obsessed with something, just be grateful it’s a healthy obsession, my nephew is obsessed with guns and shooting people 😬 (not real guns), at least rabbits are fluffy and cute. Let her learn her own social skills and make her own mistakes, if her friends don’t want to play rabbits then she will have to compromise if she wants to remain friends with them.

Maybe turn it more into a taking turns conversation, 'it is lovely that you might like playing rabbits but it is important that your friends also get to play the games they want to. You would be sad if Amelia said she would only play Harry Potter and would never play rabbits with you. Amelia might be sad that you now only play rabbits.'

YABU. If that makes you a bad mother, I am straight from hell. It is important to have honest conversations with our children. Even if it does make them feel uncomfortable for a few moments.

As per PP just be grateful it's rabbits and not ponies!

I'm late 40's and still trot and canter about. Totally pony obsessed since being kneehigh to a grasshopper, and now the groom for 4 x 17hh+ 'ponies'.

On some of these winter days I wish I had been obsessed with rabbits or hamsters or something. Much less poo to deal with"!

I really wouldn't worry about it. I'm always absent-mindedly saying 'Life is inherently unfair' and 'life is a vale of sorrows' etc to my small kids, much to the horror of a mum in the tesco toy aisle beside me who overheard.

I was raised by a lot of quite strict shouty Irish women (it's just how it was) and I am unscarred though v sensitive by nature. In fact it helped me A LOT in the workplace, it really was full of terribly middle-class gentle flowers whose parents would never, ever have shouted at them, and the first time they had to interact with a tough, shouty client who was after blood they were really genuinely traumatised. The clients knew it too and would intentionally intimidate them in negotiations. It was kind of awful to watch.

Love your children, worship your children, do not raise them in such a bubble so that they think that being told not to be a bunny 100% of the time is like, some terrible crime. You are NOT doing them a favour long term.

@Casander - Is that you Brenda?

You did the right thing OP and she will be fine. I'd echo what another poster has said though about you sounds quite sensitive yourself and this perhaps having a bit of a detrimental effect on your DD

My daughter is nearly 9 and she still loves playing puppies, and mothering dolls etc. She struggles at school because the other girls are abit more grown up but when she has friends around they all want to play with the "baby toys". Like the toy kitchen she is too tall for, or the ride on pony. I think they start to get quite imagine conscious about this age but some children like mine and yours haven't hit it yet.

I wouldn't be worried at all though, just keep on encouraging her to play other games, but in the interest of fairness rather than because there is anything wrong. And have a think if there's anyone in her class that also still really loves to play and see if you can nurture that friendship abit.

If your mother wont tell you the truth who will?

We've had the same conversation with DS when he dramatically declared he had no friends. Turns out they were a bit bored of his obsessions, whatever that is at the time, and he can be a bit controlling about what games to play. It still has to be reiterated now and again though.

I never got my pony....but I did get a big dog. He does a lovely jump over the gymkhana assault course I set up over the garden!

Awww you sound like a wonderful mummy please don't beat yourself up :(

Why don't you initiate a rabbit game with your DD? She'll have so much fun I bet she'll forget all about what upset her.

how old were you? Because I went to school with a girl who still 'galloped' like a horse at 14 and that was a bit weird I'll be honest

I do believe @GiveHerHellFromUs might've been at school with me. I definitely once "showjumped" a hurdles race at Sports Day when I was 14. I was a bit weird. Arguably still am, but I'm a functional and reasonable member of society (and several ponies!).

Oh dear, I am not also several ponies. I should have proof read that before posting. I also have several ponies. Bit weird might be an understatement otherwise!

@MCBerberLoop I love your reply!

Probably better coming from you than one of the other kids.

My girl also has obsessive games. I never say that her game is 'wrong' or even 'childish'. I tell her that she must take it in turns to play everyone's games. Its neither fair to play 'rabbits' all the time than it is to play something else.
I don't think her friends are exasperated at the subject - its possibly the constant repetitive nature. So does she spend as much time listening to their 'interests' as she does talking about her interest. Does she spend as much time playing x, y or z or is she always trying to persuade them to play her game. Once I had that chat with my DD she seemed to find navigating it all a bit easier. She's still not happy they don't like dinosaurs as much as she does but it seems like they will play with her more now (and that does include the occasional dinosaur game) and she is learning that she has to play 'house' sometimes.

That's parenting. You can't always be their friend. It's better coming from someone who loves her than a child who will openly mock her. You gave her some good advice. Don't be afraid or upset by her emotions, it's perfectly normal for a child her age to respond that way, she'll be fine.

We had a horsey girl too

@AraGrand what should she be doing? Writing her first novel ffs!!! She’s a little girl using her imagination. Get over it

Op - you haven’t failed. You’ve tried to help your daughter navigate social situations. My son is obsessed with dressing up and putting on shows and sometimes forces his friends to take part. I have to tell him that he needs to compromise as not everyone enjoys being part of his productions. Don’t feel bad; she’ll be fine. Tell her it’s great to love the bunnies, but she needs to let others have their say too

That's not a mummy fail! You're being too hard on yourself. If I had an all-consuming interest at your DD's age (which I often did) I would often hear something along the lines of 'Oh for goodness' sake bringincrazyback, stop going on about X, I'm sick of hearing about it,' from my DM which did used to hurt. You didn't say that. You sound like a lovely kind mum to me.

The guilt just comes with the territory of being a mum, I'm afraid. I am sure your daughter will get over it long before you do! My son wanted to be a dog. he played at puppies for years - was always coming home from school with holes in the knees of his school trousers from playing on all fours. Fast forward to university, where he studied animal behaviour. Now is a dog handler and trainer. Owns five dogs of his own, travels all over the world giving lectures on dog handling and has even worked with some very well-known names in the movie business giving dog-handling advice on set. Just let her go her own way. She'll either grow out of it, or grow into it! Either way, give yourself a break!