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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Aibu to think this employer shouldn't have said this?

56 replies

arisingproblems · 07/01/2020 06:48

Ive been accepted for a job which I start this week but prior to this at the interview, they specifically asked me about children/childcare so I said he will be going to school and childminders like he did before, but they said OK and what if he ill or gets ill? We need reliability and consistency. The last thing we need at this company is someone who has to collect their child or have a day off because they're poorly. I said it's fine my husband can also help out... which is not true as my husband is also in the same situation! He cannot just up and leave because of the nature of his job and he works far away. I feel like I am being pressured now that if I have one day off because my DS is ill, then they'll just say don't bother coming back we did warn you I absolutely love working and I really enjoy just having a purpose in life. That's why I got the job in the first place but on top, I do have stress because of what they said. Is this actually allowed? People I've spoken to said they've never heard any employer saying this before.

OP posts:

AlwaysCheddar · 07/01/2020 06:48

That’s because they arent allowed to ask about kids!

GiveHerHellFromUs · 07/01/2020 06:49

No you're right - it's discrimination.

Finfintytint · 07/01/2020 06:52

I wonder if they ask the same of male candidates.

ChessieFL · 07/01/2020 06:52

There is no law that says they can’t ask about kids. What they aren’t allowed to do is discriminate against someone because of it, so as long as they ask all candidates the same thing and don’t use it as the reason to hire or not hire someone then it’s fine. However, why would they bother asking if they weren’t going to use the answer so it’s far safer for them not to ask anything like that!!

Janaih · 07/01/2020 06:53

Definite discrimination. Unlikely he would ask a man this. Not sure what you can do about it though.

HaudYerWheeshtYaWeeBellend · 07/01/2020 06:54

Of course they can ask about kids and what provisions you have in place in case of illness etc... what they can’t do is discriminate you for having kids.

Original poster

arisingproblems · 07/01/2020 07:07

Thankfully doesn't seem like I've been discriminated because they've given me the job but I think they would be pissed off if I had to take time off because my child is poorly.

OP posts:

Nanny0gg · 07/01/2020 07:09

So they've created a culture whereby if your DC is poorly, you'll have to lie and say it's you.

Not family-friendly are they? You'll be worried every time there's a bug going round.

Stephminx · 07/01/2020 07:11

Not being funny but I think pretty much all employers are annoyed when staff take time off at short notice (for whatever reason) as it causes issues getting your work covered. Not all express it however....

StealthPolarBear · 07/01/2020 07:14

Is your husband also discussing this with his employer? You say he's in the same position.

megletthesecond · 07/01/2020 07:14

I'd start looking for a more family friendly job (but I'm stroppy like that). They sound like they'll be a pain to work for.

ElluesPichulobu · 07/01/2020 07:18

they can't discriminate against you for the simple fact of having kids but it's not discrimination if your family commitments are incompatible with business needs. there is a difference between having kids and having sturdy support mechanisms in place to ensure that your work commitments aren't disrupted by this fact, and having kids that are always taking you away from your work responsibilities. illegal discrimination would be assuming you are in the second category just because you are a parent.

you do not have the right to unlimited time off when your children are ill. your employers do not have to accept you just not showing up for 3-5 days due to a kid having tonsillitis or chicken pox. you have the right to emergency dependents leave but that is not intended to cover the full duration of any illness - just the minimum amount necessary for you to make alternative arrangements (eg getting a grandparent to travel to you and take over).

put serious thought in now to what you will actually do when a child is sick for a few days. if you would expect to stay at home with them then this is the wrong job for you, you need something with more flexibility. if you want this job you will need a plan that you can put into action quickly when the illnesses hit. emergency childcare that doesn't exclude ill kids exists but is expensive - you will pay out more than you earn at work on those days. that is a cost you have to absorb as an intrinsic part of both you and DH combining family and career if you don't have relatives who can step in. it is just as much DH's responsibility and cost as it is yours - he doesn't get to automatically not have to accommodate this kind of thing just because of being a man.

Brefugee · 07/01/2020 07:21

First congratulations on the job.

Now as PP said you need to work out with your DH a robust plan, with backup, as to what you will do if your DC are sick. Employers are not allowed to ask you about things like this (at least, in Germany they're not but they do anyway) and in the past i have walked out of interviews because of it (at the time, as I'd explained in my application my DH was going to be the SAHP but they still felt it necessary to ask…)

Because as PP says, as much as the law might be on your side, a company can't just absorb employee absences without having a backup plan. And if the company finds their backup plan is better than having you, you'll be gone.

GiveHerHellFromUs · 07/01/2020 07:22

Agreed that you and DH need to create a plan if you're both in awkward positions.

Congratulations on the job!

icelollycraving · 07/01/2020 07:29

They cannot discriminate against you for having children but they are also telling you their work expectations.
You do need to think of what you will do if your child gets ill, both parents obviously, not just you. Taking a day off for it v occasionally is generally ok in most companies but I remember my dh really getting into trouble at work for having to collect ds from nursery frequently. When they start nursery, they catch everything.
Do you have parents who could help? I even advertised for an ad hoc nanny to cover sickness etc. It is a real challenge with children but certainly doable. It depends on a lot of factors though, the salary, childcare etc.

Biker47 · 07/01/2020 07:33

Definite discrimination.

They got the job, so it is not discrimination. Don't devalue the word with erroneous uses.

Swinesinsleepingbags · 07/01/2020 07:34

He cannot just up and leave because of the nature of his job and he works far away
And therein lies the problem. Why should it just be you that looks after the kids, if one gets chicken pox there would be enough time for him to get back and do his share. I can see why employers are less inclined to employ women as so often they value themselves and their job below their husband.

GiveHerHellFromUs · 07/01/2020 07:36

They got the job, so it is not discrimination. Don't devalue the word with erroneous uses.

Because she said her husband could take time off. You don't know she'd have got the job if she was a single parent.

They wouldn't have asked the question if the answer didn't matter.

WhoFramedRoger · 07/01/2020 07:43

I had a male interviewer ask me the same questions so I replied “Well what do you do when your children are sick?”
He looked embarrassed and flustered then said “Well my wife looks after them”
I replied “Oh is she a SAHM?”
He replied “No”
I looked horrified and said “So if your children are sick your wife always has to take the day off? You never take turns?”
He then sheepishly said “Erm, no. What do you do?“
I said “Oh we have a nanny“

That shut him up 😂

chipstickgirl · 07/01/2020 07:45

As others have stated, it is not discrimination as you got the job; however I would be very interested to know if they ask this question consistently to all parents (regardless of gender).

I'd be asking to see their parental leave policy (which they should have).

BlackSwan · 07/01/2020 07:50

WhoFramedRoger you are a star, I love it.

needanewnamechange · 07/01/2020 08:02

I'm not suprised but it does sadden me in this day and age and woman are worse than men in my experience that they think woman will need to take time off for their children. Yes on occasion you need to collect from school if they are ill but you try your best to make alternative arrangements. I think working mums provide necessary skills such as multitasking etc .
If it was me I'd think very hard excepting this job do you really want to work for a employer who will be difficult if you need to take a day off if your child is ill? .

Brefugee · 07/01/2020 08:06

but @needanewnamechange do you also think that the OPs DH should be asking himself the same question?

ittakes2 · 07/01/2020 08:09

You were OK about lying in the interview - so just continue and if your child is sick say its you that is sick.

GiveHerHellFromUs · 07/01/2020 08:13

@ittakes2 not smart really considering you have legal protection if you're taking time off for sick kids that you don't have when taking sick leave for yourself.

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