Aibu to think this employer shouldn't have said this?

[arisingproblems]

Ive been accepted for a job which I start this week but prior to this at the interview, they specifically asked me about children/childcare so I said he will be going to school and childminders like he did before, but they said OK and what if he ill or gets ill? We need reliability and consistency. The last thing we need at this company is someone who has to collect their child or have a day off because they're poorly. I said it's fine my husband can also help out... which is not true as my husband is also in the same situation! He cannot just up and leave because of the nature of his job and he works far away. I feel like I am being pressured now that if I have one day off because my DS is ill, then they'll just say don't bother coming back we did warn you  I absolutely love working and I really enjoy just having a purpose in life. That's why I got the job in the first place but on top, I do have stress because of what they said. Is this actually allowed? People I've spoken to said they've never heard any employer saying this before.

It would appear they wont look favourably or flexibly to people who have childcare issues.

So you may not fit with their culture?

They shouldn't have asked about kids in the interview. And you're actually allowed a number of unpaid time off each year if you look on the government website. So they can shove that bollocks about not giving days off if your child is Ill!

I hear you. And there's no way your husbands employer has mentioned this to him. The school will probably ring YOU first if there are any issues.

This is why I am struggling to get a job as a single parent. I can't afford childminders and afterschool clubs. I have no help for when they are ill (Youngest needs surgery, eldest needs CAHMS and vomits a lot at school due to severe anxiety and migranes) and allllll the school holidays. Their school has been closed three times recently due to outbreaks of bugs and the heating system failing. Their dad lives 100 miles away and only cares about himself. Obviously I suffer in every single way because of this, and just have to deal with it, but that's not his fault obviously. He has free 24 hour childcare so he can work without any issues.

So many people (probably including these doing the interviews) look down on me as a single non-working parent and probably come out with ridiculous throwaway statements like "Just get a job!!" but they expect the same from a single working mum as one with a husband to help, and where childcare is more affordable, or where they get the 40 free hours. Do I stay at work and tell the school I can't collect my vomiting child again? What happens when I don't get paid because I need to care for my child recovering from surgery? Not to mention all the housework, food shopping and hospital/doctors/optician/dentist appointments and bills I have to manage. I just feel like I'm drowning. It is too much for one person to cope with.

@Brefugee yes but it's not the dh employer asking was it ?
I don't think any employer should discriminate over dependants . A bit of flexibility goes a long way.

I have the same problem. I want to get a job but my DH can’t possibly take any time off if DS needs care, so it would 100% fall to me. There are no aunts, uncles or grandparents around. I don’t know how I can realistically work?

And you're actually allowed a number of unpaid time off each year - you are allowed up to 4 weeks a year to a total of 18 weeks across 18 years but this requires 21 days notice so can't be used for covering chicken pox or tonsillitis! it could be used if a child was going into hospital for an elective operation.

there is no obligation for any employer to employ someone who thinks it is ok to take a week off at no notice when their child gets chicken pox. all children will get illnesses like this sooner or later so failing to plan is planning to fail.

They had no right to ask you at interview. The country would fall down if mothers did not go to work, they are usually the most conscientious of employees,

Well done on getting the job and, as has been suggested, if your child is ill, say you are ill.

However, try to form a back up plan for if he is ill and, let's face it, he will be from time to time. Unless anything very serious (hope that doesn't happen of course), someone else can care for him while you're at work. It's finding the right person at short notice which is difficult but not impossible. Look on your locality' website- most places have them - and ask if there is anyone suitably experienced and checked who is prepared to do occasional child care at short notice.

Congratulations on your new job, hope it all work out satisfactorily.

Of course it’s pressure, of course it’s discriminatory and of course it’s wrong. You are entitled to dependents’ leave if needed.

there is no obligation for any employer to employ someone who thinks it is ok to take a week off at no notice when their child gets chicken pox. all children will get illnesses like this sooner or later so failing to plan is planning to fail.

There is a law allowing for dependents’ leave. If you cannot reasonably secure childcare when your child is ill - and I fail to see how everyone can plan for this with no exceptions - they cannot fire you for taking it. You are not entitled to be paid.

No, they shouldn't have asked, guessing they have found it hard to manage previously with someone; but that's tough really. It can be a logistical nightmare for an employer (I say this as a mother in the workplace), but I also think people deserve to be able to go back to work and not worry about getting in trouble because their child is poorly, when invariably the father doesn't have this burden. Congratulations on the new job, hopefully their spiel isn't a reflection on the ethos of the organisation and how you will be treated, I would be tempted to look elsewhere in honesty. I went from a very well paid job to a lesser one which didn't rely on me being in the office everyday (work had to be completed in x timeframe, but as it wasn't customer facing or dependent on operating set hours it didn't fall apart if I wasn't in), and they allowed unpaid leave without any strife. I know it's not that easy though, so hoping it does work out.

@needanewnamechange yes but it's not the dh employer asking was it ?
I don't think any employer should discriminate over dependants . A bit of flexibility goes a long way.

No it was you. And what i was getting at was that your post to the OP was asking if she would be happy/comfortable working for a company with this attitude which i find a totes legit question. However, OP has indicated that her DH can't take time off his work for similar reasons (apologies if I've understood that incorrectly) and that nobody is asking the DH the same qeustion

Wow that is HELLA illegal to ask here! The company would be fined quite a massive amount and shamed in the media.

Good on you for lying! Ugh that is just disgusting that they even asked..

How did they know you had children in the first place? Did you volunteer that information or did they directly ask?

As others have said it's not "hella illegal" to ask, but it is illegal to discriminate based on what answers you get. So many employers just choose not to go there at all.

It is hella illegal to ask in Norway. Hence why I said 'here'.

Illegal in Germany too. But they still ask.

problem is: if they phrase the question like this the underlying intent is NOT to employ anyone who cant conform & how do you prove that they are not employing you for that reason. The same thing happens with employing someone with disability - if you are disabled how do you prove they why they don't take you on. Of course race, religion, class, sexuality & gender issues come into this as well. There is definitely a "soft bias"(thank you dh for that term - he has just glanced over my shoulder). I seem to remember there was an anonymous questionnaire recently of bosses/companies & while it is never stated overtly in policy - in practice employers will find other reasons to employ people that do not have perceived issues. How can you prove this?

I agree that they probably wouldnt have asked a man and thats the wrong part as generally speaking making sure that your as covered as possible for child care is fine providing they ask anyone who has kids, male or female.

Its a hard balance working when you have kids, you have their needs but if you go back to work, your employed to honour a contract and have to fulfill the needs of that to. It is common sense that you think about what would happen if kids are ill just as you would think about what would happen if something happened at work and you couldnt get away on time. Things happen and the more prepared you are the easier it will be for everyone.

I have the same problem. I want to get a job but my DH can’t possibly take any time off if DS needs care, so it would 100% fall to me. There are no aunts, uncles or grandparents around. I don’t know how I can realistically work?

Curious as to know why he cant. You both have the responsibility to care for your kids as well as providing for your family. Priorities change when kids come along and this sort of thing needs thinking about it cant be left to just you. technically my husband and I get to statutory rights due to being self employed and arent in a position to turn work away, staff cover is limited, on paper we couldnt do it, but we have, we had not choice to make being parents and business owners work out. There is always a way it just might not be what you or he expects or wants it to be and it may not be the most obvious way either. We have had to use some strange interpretations of imagination sometimes!

What are all these super important jobs that these men have that no mother could ever possibly do because of childcare?

I feel like I am being pressured now that if I have one day off because my DS is ill, then they'll just say don't bother coming back we did warn you

And you can then do them for not allowing you emergency dependents leave. www.gov.uk/time-off-for-dependants

@GiveHerHellFromUs I know, aside from the military where you are often either on exercise or deployed, and when you arent it is extremely hard to get time off due to the nature of the job, I can't fathom either what all of these jobs are which mean the burden falls to the woman.

tbh i think that families really must make a solid plan for childcare before one or both of the parents take on an outside job.
At the end of the day, we are offering our services to an employer and they need to be able to rely on us. Obvs there are difficulties that might arise for anyone, parent or not, but with children there are what we might call the known unknowns: chicken pox, D&V, headlice etc etc. You can't know when these things will crop up, but the probability is that they will.

In my case, i live far far away from all my family and 2 weeks before DC1 was born we moved to a new place. No network. So for the first 3 years i was the SAHM even though we could barely afford it.
After that - we moved again shortly after DC2 - i got a job and DH was the SAHP. After that we both worked and paid out a shedload of cash for a childminder/nanny. We made sure to get one who would cover sudden unexpected illnesses etc, and even then it was bloody difficult.

For a few years we didn't have holiday as a family so we could cover all school holidays - actually we overlapped a week IIRC - and again paid extra for school holiday/public holiday cover. In some respects we were "lucky" in that DH job when the DC were small was almost shift work - every weekend and 1 or 2 days in the week free. And so on and so on. For a long business trip to Asia we paid for my mum to come to us for a week to cover. All expense and arrangements that we made to facilitate working.

I almost never mentioned this to managers/bosses because, frankly, the slightest hint that i might have any sort of responsibility outside the office sent them into a frenzy of doubting my loyalty etc. i was overlooked for promotion and bonuses despite long long hours (sometimes i took the DC to the office on Saturdays…) but in the end it paid off because eventually i did get promotions and bonuses because i had shown that i was dependable.

And my DH stepped up and did what had to be done too. We did it as a team. Frankly it was a huge PITA and i hated a lot of the extra mental energy we spent arranging stuff. But my pension pot is fine, i have a good job and my DC are none the worse for having had working parents.

I have the same problem. I want to get a job but my DH can’t possibly take any time off if DS needs care, so it would 100% fall to me. There are no aunts, uncles or grandparents around. I don’t know how I can realistically work?

There are ways of making it work. I am a single parent and I have friends who are single parents, some of them with high flying jobs.

There are a couple of things that all of my single mum friends have in common: a) a determination to work b) a job where we can make up the hours in the evening or on a different day if we have to leave work early to collect a sick child. I'm lucky because I have c) a network of friends and neighbours who are willing to step in from time to time as long as DD isn't unwell with a particularly ghastly lurgy like noro or flu.

Hi OP I work in HR and can tell you they are verging on crossing a line. What does it say about parental leave in your contract?

They absolutely can not discriminate against you so if you do find yourself penalised for needing to take parental leave then you could take it further.

I had to take last friday off because our child was ill! Had my back to work on monday and they asked me where my wife was, i said she was at work and she took a day off for a previous illness, my manager was taken back a bit!

What are all these super important jobs that these men have that no mother could ever possibly do because of childcare?

Not super-important, shitty and low paid for DH. Along with understaffed, plus he has a poor sickness record that he's under a lot of pressure over and he wouldn't get paid.

On the otherhand I would still get paid and my work isn't arsy about time off as long as I get my work done and meet all targets. Which I do.