Boyfriends female friend

[Duvetdaysarethebest]

Have namechanged for this as it's quite outing and don't want to be linked to other posts.

I've been with boyfriend 6 months now and he's always had a female friend who I wasn't really bothered about - anyway in the last 3 months she's ramped up texting/calling/tagging him in stupid stuff online. I spoke to him about it as it looks like she's after him and is making it quite obvious - annoying. So I ask him to find out what on earth is going on as other friends are wondering what her game is. So this evening he goes to her and she's admitted feelings for him and says it's killing her seeing us together. He's just texted me and said she's suicidal. I'm not entirely sure what to do about this as half of me thinks she's being manipulative but the other half is worrying that she is actually suicidal and needs professional help. My poor BF is stuck in the middle and is trying to be loyal to both of us. What should I do?

You should advise her to seek help from a professional if she’s suicidal but don’t get sucked in converse with her. It’s still uncalled for to declare your love for someone when they’re in a relationship so your partner needs to tell her that.

There is nothing you CAN do and sadly, nothing he can do either really. He is the worst possible person to help through a suicidal crisis if that’s true, and if it’s a manipulation tactic then he is most certainly better off out if it. You do need to make it clear that whilst sympathetic to her, it is not appropriate for him to be her support here and he could make it worse. Much better than she accesses proper support from trained professionals

If he wants to be with her, he will be sadly. I am sorry you are having to deal with this, it must be shit.

He doesn't want to be with her he's trying to support her as a friend - I'm trying to be sympathetic towards her but the tactics she's used over the last few months have been quite sly

OP I'm in a similar situation which is totally shit. I have no advice as I have no idea what to do either but will be following with interest at others' suggestions.

Good luck OP

What @QueenofallIsee said — he is literally the worst person in the world to try to support her in this scenario, assuming it’s true and she is distraught and suicidal, and it’s not not all some delusional bid for his attention. In which case he’s also better off out of it.

I would be very cynical about the suicidal business as I have been on the receiving end of that manipulation before.

The best thing your boyfriend can do is speak to someone close to her, friend, sister, mum etc tell them how worried he is and then disengage.

I've told him if he continues then he's going to lose me. I cannot deal with this drama as I've had enough. He's absolutely the wrong person to be 'helping' her right now - I've suggested that maybe her family should take over so have left the ball in his court.

Your bf needs to bow out and get someone else close to her to help her.

He can't help her and now needs to stay as far away from her as possible for his own long term well-being.

It all seems very out of hand and she needs help. He is very definitely not the appropriate person to be giving it OP and needs to recognise this. Can he not appraise HR at work of the situation/ask her to do so also- if she cares about him this much she wouldn't be making his life a bloody misery surely.

She is not his dependent, as a colleague and friend a he needs to offer is sympathy for how she is feeling, which he has done, then move on to advice to see her GP/a therapist/speak to samaritans/her friends and family and remind her he is neither a professional nor able to offer her what she wants.

If all true she is clearly very troubled and he is only exacerbating a very unhealthy need she has for him. He must step back and she needs to seek help from professionals in appropriate settings.

Even if she is suicidal she's clearly disturbed and he isn't the one who needs to be helping her now. He should if he can get in contact with her family or mutual friends so that they can make sure she is safe and then back off.
I would be very confused if he continued contact with someone who is in a mental state of wanting to die over not being with him. That's unkind to you and to her.
Hopefully she gets the support she needs. Even if she is just putting it on to get his attention, she's clearly not in a good state of mind.

Experienced very similar when DP and I hadn't been together long.
He had a female friend who he considered sister like. I met her, she seemed lovely. Then the sly digs started and the comments, and she was just constantly "there".
I called her out on it, she admitted she felt like I'd stolen him as she had feelings, he ended up going totally NC and she became a bit bunny boiler.

Your DP is not the right person to help his friend.

This whole thing is making me feel quite unwell. I've messaged him about contacting her family and then leaving them to it - I really don't want to make him choose between her and me as that makes me look like a petulant child but I also feel this nonsense has gone on for long enough. I do love him but am prepared to let him go over this

He's not a professional in the mental health field I take it? Because if not he could very well end up making her situation worse.
He needs to hand this one over to her family for help and get them to assist her with professional help from doctors and through therapy. He needs to suggest they don't see each other because he could get her hopes up and make things worse.

@Icanflyhigh I think going NC with her is the only way to go if our relationship is going to survive. This is a real shame as we are perfect for each other and are shaping up to be soulmates. It was obviously too much for her to bear seeing us/him so happy

@oobieloo no he's not a professional in mental health. He just wants to help his friend - I think he was shocked to find out she has feelings for him, her tactics were very sly and devious over the last few months. The straw that broke the camels back was her commenting on a profile pic of his saying 'love this man so much!'

If he's the focus of her obsessive thoughts, he is not doing her any kindness by being around her right now. As a good friend, what he probably needs to do is make himself as invisible as possible while she has professional help to deal with her mental health. However, as a good friend, he absolutely should feel able to liaise with her family and any mutual friends to help provide support in a way that doesn't make things worse for his friend. I would also not blame the friend just because he's the focus - it could have been any obsessive focus eg bleaching the kitchen tiles. I hope she recovers; as it only started 3 months ago, I'd guess there was a trigger event that has seriously affected her. Also, if you do dump your boyfriend over this, you've only been dating him for 6 months so it's not the end of the world. It's not going to cure his friend if he's suddenly single (she's too ill to date him even if he was interested) but you are entitled to safeguard your own mental health if hearing about her issues is affecting you. You don't need to justify that. Best wishes to all involved, including you. x

Tell him to call an ambulance. Bet she gets better real fast.

"I want to break up your relationship, by the way I might kill myself if anyone upsets me but if they don't I'm just all full of love"

What a piece of work. Honestly if he buys into this it is because he really wants to or is a sap, you are better off without him in either case.

Had this, years ago, and I told him if she was threatening to commit suicide, to call the police. He did. It was the right call. She was only saying it. But she was unstable, threatening and very bunny boilery. I think she cooperated with the mental health services a few years later

Ok just had an update - she's been admitted to hospital under the crisis team, he's leaving her with her mum. Don't really know where we go from here

I think you need to calmly and sensitively let him know that you’re sad that his friend isn’t well, but it’s not going to help her at all if she thinks he’s going to be her knight in white armour - it will fuel the fantasy and make things worse. She is safe where she is, and has the support of the people who love her.
If he wants to continue to be the knight in white armour, you’ve pretty much lost him anyway.

*BTW - I say this 17 years into a marriage with a husband who has a very sneaky bff. He is only just now realizing the kind of manipulative shit this girl will stoop to. (Fortunately I’m backed up by other friends who have seen her in action, so he can’t put his rose-coloured glasses on.)

For me, I’d be ringing 111 and the police. Explain the situation, if there are any texts etc then they need to be shown. If this is a very recent thing then I imagine it’s 99.9% manipulation. Especially as she has admitted she has feelings for him. I’ve had to call the police many times with an ex of mine. And was advised by the police to do so. Ultimate vile manipulation tactic as far as I’m concerned. The scars never fade.

Don't get involved.

Presently comforting a good friend whose DP was in similar situation. Friend had been introduced to his ex felt fine with her being around, although sometimes thought she was like a 3rd wheel in relationship.

He was sleeping with ex all the time. In plain sight as it were. Not saying your DP definitely is but, all sounds too close for comfort. At the very least you shouldn't get roped into worrying and discussing situation. It's not good for your mindset.

He is trying to do his best for a good friend with MH problems. Any decent human being would do the same. The inference OP is, you're pissed off with that level of attention so you're gonna dump him. Nice !.