Boyfriends female friend

[Duvetdaysarethebest]

Have namechanged for this as it's quite outing and don't want to be linked to other posts.

I've been with boyfriend 6 months now and he's always had a female friend who I wasn't really bothered about - anyway in the last 3 months she's ramped up texting/calling/tagging him in stupid stuff online. I spoke to him about it as it looks like she's after him and is making it quite obvious - annoying. So I ask him to find out what on earth is going on as other friends are wondering what her game is. So this evening he goes to her and she's admitted feelings for him and says it's killing her seeing us together. He's just texted me and said she's suicidal. I'm not entirely sure what to do about this as half of me thinks she's being manipulative but the other half is worrying that she is actually suicidal and needs professional help. My poor BF is stuck in the middle and is trying to be loyal to both of us. What should I do?

Not at all @CharlotteMD it's the sly tactics she's used - she's hidden her MH problems extremely well. I love the fact he's wanted to help but how far should I have allowed it to go?

@Duvetdaysarethebest Is he home yet.
If not text him to call an ambulance or the samaritans. I hope he doesn't sleep with her he could be using it as an excuse for extra time there.
It doesn't look good OP. Have you ever suspected he had feelings for her too.
It's classic my best friend's wedding, excluding suicidal threats.
If she was suicidal he'd have called someone.

He's on his way home from the hospital - her mum is with her and I'm 100% sure he hasn't slept with her. I trust him but didn't trust her and she made my spidey senses tingle which is what alerted me to all the posts/texts/calls then I pointed them out to him. He went to see her to straighten it out and that's when the 'I have feelings for you/suicidal thoughts came about. It's an off situation but I know have to weigh up whether to stay with him or leave this drama and no sense behind

For at least 3 months she has been attempting to destabilize your relationship.

He needs to disengage now. If he doesn’t, his every gesture of concern will give her hope and feed her obsession. If he insists on getting mired in her chaos, I would walk away.

Ok just had an update - she's been admitted to hospital under the crisis team, he's leaving her with her mum. Don't really know where we go from here

She's obviously in a bad place right now. Your BF needs to back away for at least a little while as his presence might not be best for her mental health. It could easily be that she doesn't want a relationship with him but saw him as a major support being taken away or somehow fixated on your relationship as being something she wanted.

Also, her mental health issues are neither your or your boyfriends fault. Your relationship is not the cause.

It's an off situation but I know have to weigh up whether to stay with him or leave this drama and no sense behind

So one of your boyfriends close friends has just been admitted to hospital, he is probably going to be upset/feeling guilty/etc. and instead of supporting him, you're going to dump him or give him an ultimatum?

Opposite sex friends are fine, but not ones who have admitted they have feelings. I wouldnt be happy if DH had a friend like this and I wouldnt expect DH to be happy if a male friend did that to me.
Tell him to take a big step back.

This is too much work for only 6 month of which half of it were problems with her. He cant be that surprised about her feelings, I think hes pretending to be and enjoyed the attention.
You dont need to be giving ultimatums 6 months in, doesnt sound like he feels as strongly for you.

Hopefully he has the sense to back off now. If not I'd be tempted to say he is enjoying the ego boost.

He needs to step off from her if the relationship is to continue. I wouldn't tell him that in ultimatum terms, but at the same one I wouldn' t allow my feelings to progress further unless he shows some sense and leaves her care to professionals and family. Personally the fact that he didn't notice all the ramping up and 'sly' moves would leave me questioning his EQ and maturity. There's no such thing as 'soulmates' and really, if there were, who would want theirs to be someone whom is obtuse as a gerbil?

who, sorry, on a different device just now.

He brought her to the hospital. That's good he sounds like a decent man.

I think his actions have been honourable. He has helped a friend in need, something to be respected. He hasn’t actually done anything wrong.

“ So one of your boyfriends close friends has just been admitted to hospital, he is probably going to be upset/feeling guilty/etc. and instead of supporting him, you're going to dump him or give him an ultimatum?”

This

He can’t help her as he is apparently at the root of her feeling suicidal. He can still be her friend but needs to get others involved- her family, her other friends, professional help and then take a step back for her sake.

The girl needs some help and your bf needs to understand he's not the right person to give it. If she is genuine then him helping her will only intensify her feelings for him as she'll think he cares/loves her for coming to the rescue. If he was a real friend he'd understand this and contact other friends/her parents and explain the situation. Good luck

Just read the update and my advice still stands (as your boyfriend basically did what I’d suggested). She sounds deeply troubled and this issue probably isn’t the only thing that’s triggered this. Thankfully she’s now in the right place.

I don’t think it’s fair to assume the boyfriend is enjoying the drama or that this is an ego boost just off the back of this and how he’s reacted to it. He must have had a shock.

Given that she's just been admitted to a psychiatric unit, it's highly likely that her mental health issues go far beyond her unrequited feelings for your boyfriend.
Just bide your time and see how it plays out. It'll become very apparent very quickly if she's created this crisis to be manipulative, or whether she has genuine mental health issues that are so acute that they warrant a stay in a psychiatric unit.

She is having a MH crisis which has been triggered by seeing him in a relationship with you - therefore your BF is the absolute worst person to be involved in this because he will only make it worse.

If he truly wants to help her then he needs to explain to her family that he is stepping away, as him seeing her will only cause further problems. Then he needs to remove himself from the situation completely.

I'm just going to throw in that I think he's a keeper.

You've told him you had concerns, he dealt with this in a mature and direct manner and has been honest and upfront with you both. He's tried to help his friend get the medical attention she needs, now she has.

If he was a douchebag he would've run into her arms as soon as she admitted feelings. Instead he's been loyal but clear. Sounds like a top bloke to me. Must be a shite situation for him at every angle.

I agree that he is a keeper. He has tried to do the right thing, he has been honest with you and I think the only way forward now is NC.

My DP realised this after a similar episode as I said last night and he said it wasn't even a consideration for him, that even though they had been best friends for over 10 years and she was like a sister to him, she really overstepped the mark in trying to csuer issues between us and that for him was a deal breaker.

He's never spoken to her since.

I agree give the DP some credit for trying to sort this out without losing a friend. He is allowed to care for his friends even when in a new relationship. I've been on this side too, my DH was supporting a female colleage/ friend through difficult times (part of his role is welfare of staff) but she became dependent on him and whilst I was patient at the beginning, i did start to get frustrated (and insecure it was more despite him showing me messages, being honest and him feeling frustrated too at what to do) and he felt stuck as he was worried if he didnt reply to her, she would do something stupid. I sat down and pointed out whilst he thinks he is helping, in the long run he isnt and is only enabling her to rely on him. I also said it was impacting us. He realised and took action which involved making her contact her parents about how she was feeling. Her parents quickly came to see her and made her move back in with them whilst she was suicidal. He also contacted the mental health team for support. All is fine now. If you want this relationship to work, and you feel he has taken the steps to better the situation- dont give him an ultimatum just yet, give it time now she has support in place to see if their friendship goes back to a place you are happy with.

I have a close male friend who I'm supporting through difficult times at the moment (he is also friends with DH and has come over to talk to us both about his situation- but I'd hate to be given an ultimatum if I've tried to take steps to sort things out and not been given time to let the dust settle if DH was not happy).

Exact same thing happened to a friend. The "suicidal" woman was also "admitted to hospital". Not really, she just pretended she'd taken an overdose and her friend took her to A&E.

It resulted in an affair, she eventually admitted that her suicide attempt was fake. He still fell for her.

Personally I would give him an ultimatum if you're prepared to let him go. No contact whatsoever for everyone's sake or leave him to it

I also think he's a keeper.

He went to set her straight and then all the MH/suicidal thoughts info came out - whether genuine or attention seeking, none of us can tell.

BUT: you suggested she seek professional and to leave her to her family. Sensible advice and he followed this to the letter.

If she is now in the care of a crisis team (and her Mum) then that is the best place for her.

I know it's been tough on both of you, but I think you've both handled this really well.

He sounds a decent guy, but he must keep away from her, for her sake. Think you have all done the right thing, she sounds deeply disturbed.

I'd hate my dp to have a friend of the opposite sex, and he feels the same. I really don't think they work very well. Obviously many do but unfortunately we are both quite unsecure, we wouldn't be able to handle it. Sorry not much help. I think your boyfriend should leave all this to the professionals.