How would you deal with this behaviour - have I been too harsh?

[theduchessstill]

DSs (12 & 10) went completely loopy at bedtime after quite a nice, calm evening of homework, dinner, some tv and music. They were shouting, making silly noises deliberately to annoy me, getting out of bed, the lot. Fuck know why. They go up at 9pm and are allowed to read for 20-30 minutes. Have tried a separate bedtime but it never works out.

I lost it with them after about half an hour and taken all lights from the room, including the main bulb and said no phones at all tomorrow, or Xbox (allowed one hour each on week night). I have also said bed early tomorrow. Unfortunately they are home without me quite a bit - about an hour in the morning and up to 2 hours after school, though tomorrow I can get back just after them.

I'm at a bit of a loss really and so fucking angry. I don't really want to hide the phones since they are alone but there is a house phone and ds2 doesn't take his to school anyway. They could have separate bedrooms but choose to share and it's not easy to change back.

AIBU? I'd love to know why they get such a kick out of winding me up...

Isn’t this what small children just do?

Yes, but these are 10 & 12...

They're not small children! I'd expect it from 5/6 year old not preteens.

I don't think you've been harsh at all but you have to follow through. If they know you'll back down the behaviour will just continue.

They get a kick coz you react. They’ll be fine without the phones.

They have a landline for emergencies.

I think you should stick to your guns. It should make them understand that actions have consequences.

Yeah I'd stop reacting. It's great fun winding mum up!

YANBU they’re not overexcited preschoolers, they’re preteens!

Tomorrow I would have a talk and explain that if they make a habit of acting like that then sharing a room is no longer working do they’ll need to switch to separate rooms (only cause it sounds like that’s a genuine option in this case! And because they prefer sharing). If they want to continue sharing they need to behave better

With small children the punishment needs to be immediate. Not sure that applies to your children's ages. If you don't want it when you're not there, do it at the weekend.

The rest is maybe ok but taking the lights?!

Take the leads from the Xbox so they can't play. They have to earn that back yanbu.

I would return the lights in the morning as I think it is fair enough to leave them without lights overnight when they should be sleeping but not the next day. The rest does seem extreme but I think sometimes you have to go nuclear and show that you mean business with silly and persistent behaviour and none of the consequences are cruel, abusive, aggressive, humiliating etc. They will be fine without phones and Xbox for one day and hopefully it will make them think about their behaviour.

I would also say that this is their first warning about silly bedtime behaviour and that if they get 3 warnings they will be changing to separate bedrooms.

you leave them alone for 3 hours per day?or have i read that wrong

at bloody 10

Mine wouldn't be able to sleep with such an early bedtime. Not that that excuses the bad behaviour, of course!

Is 9 an early bedtime for their ages? Maybe a bit for the 12 yo but as I said I have trouble getting them to go to bed separately,

24hours 2 hours after school is on a worst day - usually it's more like 60-90 mins and sometimes less and 50 minutes in the morning, not a full hour. I have to work. They aren't alone but with each other and are in Y 6 & 8 - this is the first year we've done it. It's not ideal but not everyone has options.

you took the lights? Brilliant

you leave them alone for 3 hours per day?or have i read that wrong

A lot of childminders don't take over 8s and if there is no before/after school club and the OP has to work then what are they to do?

I agree it's not ideal but real life isn't always ideal.

Sorry but taking the lights is hilarious 😂😂😂 my DD gets like this, it backfires tho because I'm youngest of four DC and I wrote the book on how to be an annoying child. Oh yes. 😂😂😂

Are they getting enough exercise? Ours of similar age go a bit bonkers if they haven't done sport after school.

Don't particularly blame you, I know what they can get like and I can see why you wanted to make a point.

Your 12 year old looks after your 10 year old for three hours a day? 10 is too young to be home alone/ with a 12 year old for 3 hours a day. I say this from experience, not judgement. When my DS was 11 and started secondary school he was alone 45 minutes- 1.5 hours a day. DD was 10 and still in after school child care. When she started secondary school, the child care options seemed to dry up and I, instead of changing my work schedule or trying harder to find childcare for 11/12 year olds, basically ‘parented’ them over the phone while they were at home. They’re 15 & 13 now and I have endless issues with boundaries with them and do attribute a lot of it to them spending so much time alone, I wanted independent children but didn’t find the balance, it’s the biggest regret of my life. I’m a single parent too and it is so hard to balance everything.

Harsh. They are made a big of noise and had a bit of a carry on a bedtime. Sounds like u had the bigger tantrum taking the lights out and getting so angry. Maybe no x box or no phone or no light but all of it seems an over reaction. They all do it from time to time.

The rest is maybe ok but taking the lights?!

Next step: doors off the hinges!

Do they TVs, X boxes or other mod cons in their rooms you could remove, OP?

My DS (14) is sometimes difficult if hes been allowed more time than usual on a games console, like over Christmas. How are you "policing" 1 hour a day if you're not home? Could it be they're spending too much time on it?

I dont think its too harsh but i do think they're maybe having too much time on their own? Maybe too late at bedtime? I would also separate them, just because i think silly behaviour and bed time shenanigans are too easy when 2 boys of that age share.

12 year old looks after brother for while u work so he's old enough to stay at home alone babysitting but then u want him asleep by 9 think that's to early. Different bedtimes for them treat the older child as the older child more responsibility e.g babysitting an later bedtime an give them the lights bk that's harsh

I wouldn’t take the lights from the room. I Would hate to hear a noise overnight / have a nightmare and not be able to switch a light on if I wanted. I think you have over- reacted , but we’ve all done that.

If you do make their bedtime a bit later, as others have suggested (and I don't think that's a bad idea) don't do it straight away, otherwise it may come across as a reward for their bad behaviour ie oh we've kicked off and caused chaos and the result is we get to stay up even later.

Btw I love that you took the lights