How would you deal with this behaviour - have I been too harsh?

[theduchessstill]

DSs (12 & 10) went completely loopy at bedtime after quite a nice, calm evening of homework, dinner, some tv and music. They were shouting, making silly noises deliberately to annoy me, getting out of bed, the lot. Fuck know why. They go up at 9pm and are allowed to read for 20-30 minutes. Have tried a separate bedtime but it never works out.

I lost it with them after about half an hour and taken all lights from the room, including the main bulb and said no phones at all tomorrow, or Xbox (allowed one hour each on week night). I have also said bed early tomorrow. Unfortunately they are home without me quite a bit - about an hour in the morning and up to 2 hours after school, though tomorrow I can get back just after them.

I'm at a bit of a loss really and so fucking angry. I don't really want to hide the phones since they are alone but there is a house phone and ds2 doesn't take his to school anyway. They could have separate bedrooms but choose to share and it's not easy to change back.

AIBU? I'd love to know why they get such a kick out of winding me up...

You are doing the best you can OP .. virtual hug 🌷

Was this a one off or it's been building up every night for a whilst and last night was the culmination? Because if it was a one off, then I do think you've over reacted a bit based on how it made you feel rather than their actual behaviour.

Ultimately, you''ve dished punishments that you'll have to stick to and at least, they'll know you mean business now. As a single mum myself for many years, I would say though not to gage their behaviour on the basis of how tired and fed up you are are this will most likely only be a contributor rather than sole cause of it.

As for leaving them alone, of course it is absolutely fine. Unless they start really misbehaving every night and then during the day, you could conclude that maybe they are crying for attention, but as a one off! Many kids that age are left on their own morning and afterschool, mine did and they actually loved to have the house for themselves.

I wudnt say its an over reacting. The other night mines went loopy at 10 o clock at night. Banging about screaming. Its time to be settling down and we also have neighbours who i dont think would have enjoyed listening to that. Id say its the christmad chaos and back into a routine from today will do everyone wonders!

OP the hours they're alone is fine, they are old enough.
You are providing them with a home food education and love, these boys are blessed.
I'd leave the xbox today it occupies them after school. If you were home they probably wouldn't notice or bother with you. Maybe bump up the bedtime, my DD sleeps nearer 10 she starts from 9pm. It is not ideal but she isn't cranky in the morning. I know it's crap as a parent we get no free peaceful time with preteens.

I do think 9 is a bit early, especially for the 12 yr old. I'm don't know a lot about older kids tbh apart from what I was like at that age and by 12 I was caring for a baby 10 hours per day and not going to bed til about 11, and I was still up at 7 for the baby. I know my case is extreme (the baby--he wasn't mine by the way) but still, 9 sounds early.
You're not unreasonable, you're tired and annoyed lol, I'd be the same.
Don't worry about having to leave your kids alone at this age, like you said, some don't have choices, but I would try to look into some kind of sport or something for them after school, they're old enough to make their own way there and it might tire them out a little.

What you wrote made me feel like shit actually.

It wasn't supposed to make you feel like shit, I didn't post for any reason other than the suggestion that there may be a link...

Yes, there might be a link between their behaviour and our arrangements

Right; your second sentence agrees with me

This post wasn't about you, it was about your kids behaviour and yes there is a high chance that the behaviour is attention grabbing because they simply want you. That's a really natural and basic human response though, so not sure why you think I posted it for any reason other than the fact that it is.

The other posted who laid into me obviously hasn't helped the way you have viewed things, that was a ridiculous and way over the top reaction from them though. Let's keep things in perspective.

I wasn't suggesting that you were a bad parent, merely offering a possible reason and therefore giving you something to help move forward.

I am sorry it made you feel bad but 100% that was not my intention.

Also, please note, despite being named more than once over that comment, I'm not the only person who has said it.

I wish you all the best, but I'm out.

Retroflex I think you'll find they need her to work, to provide a roof over their heads and food in their stomachs more than anything... FFS!

Lol if you think that's all they need from a parent!! I agree with @zoobincan.

Work, food and a roof are essentials, you can't expect kids to recognize that as something mum does for them.

OP, how do you spend quality time with them?

@theduchessstill What you wrote made me feel like shit actually ... There is fuck all I can do about having to leave them.

I really didn't read @zoobincan's post in that way. I can understand why you did op, because you are going to be sensitive about having to leave them. Zoo wasn't saying you shouldn't work, she was saying your boys are missing out on quality of time with you.

And really PMSL at those who think 1 & 12 don't play up for attention, or at al for that matter.

Why are people acting like taking the bulbs is the funniest thing they've every heard?

I'm literally howling with laughter at you taking the bulbs!

Really?

It's like the whole "I woke the whole house laughing at snapped and farted" all over again.

OMG so many people are judging the OP, by saying she should be having "quality time" with her children in the evenings, what gives you the impression that she doesn't do this already? And if course saying that they agree with zoobincan saying "They need you. They are playing up for attention. They need more from you." and don't see that statement as a direct attack on the OP actually amazes me!

A teacher working for 2 hours after her students leave the building, would still be home for 5:30, giving adequate time for dinner and" quality time" before bed!

As for your comment @slashlover yes, I was really howling with laughter, as I can understand how frustrated the OP felt, and rather than verbally or physically abusing her children, she took a rather comical approach and took the bulbs! It amused me, what's so difficult to understand?

And if course saying that they agree with zoobincan saying "They need you. They are playing up for attention. They need more from you." and don't see that statement as a direct attack on the OP actually amazes me!

Be amazed then; I have already explained multiple times.

You talk about me attacking OP - I wasn't - yet you called me abhorrent. Maybe take a look at your own posts and give up digging at me.

I am perfectly happy with the posts I have made and my opinion regarding the kids needing mum. That's basic instinct. It's absolutely normal and natural. For you to call me abhorrent for daring to suggest it may be linked to the behaviour problem OP posted and have a go at me for attacking OP is actually ridiculous.

You have been rude, aggressive and attacking towards me in several posts.

I stand by my posts 100%

I think it's perfectly reasonable to leave a 12 and 10 year old at home. That's the age of our kids and we do too sometimes. They are sensible kids, it would not suit all but I expect OP has thought about whether her actual kids are ready for this.

If they can't share nicely, perhaps try moving one of them into another room. Give them one warning and then move a child if they don't be quiet and go to sleep. 9:30 lights out seems late for 10. Was he overtired?

I love the removal of the light bulbs! Genius!😀😀

It’s a dull, dreary day. They’ve just gone back to school, they’re probably over tired. I’d tell them that they will have to have separate rooms if they can’t settle down together.

Well, so far a much better evening today.

I was home just after 4 and we all had a talk and decided that ds2 will go to bed at 8.30 and ds1 will stay out of the room until 9.30. Ds2 said that ds1 keeps him awake reading sometimes so both were happy with that. It wasn't my idea for them to share in the first place - it took me fucking hours moving that fucking bed, but to be fair it's worked for the last couple of years. We've agreed they'll go back to separate rooms in the Easter holidays.

Obviously all lights have been restored - I wouldn't recommend that tbh. It was a pita getting them up this morning in the dark when I couldn't even see to plug the lamp back in.

zoobincan It's ironic that you posted a very brutal, brief comment (maybe if you'd added more detail it wouldn't have seemed like a smack in the face, but you're free to post how you want and others are free to react accordingly.)Hilariously, you were quick to take offence when someone criticised your post, but couldn't see why I was offended at being told I don't do enough for my kids...

In all honestly it's pointless saying the dc need me at home all the time etc. There is nothing I can do about it - the club ds2 used to go to is full now (maybe I shouldn't have cancelled it but I don't have a time machine and tbf I'd say the set up works pretty well and dc are both happy with it, though it's not perfect) and there are no other options. I doubt very much we'd have a better quality of life with more quality time if I was worried about money the whole time, and I actually can get home relatively early most days and obviously have the holidays too.

Thanks for all replies - it's helped me a lot.

It's ironic that you posted a very brutal, brief comment (maybe if you'd added more detail it wouldn't have seemed like a smack in the face, but you're free to post how you want and others are free to react accordingly.)

I genuinely did not mean anything. I don't know how many times I need to say this. It was not a criticism.

Hilariously, you were quick to take offence when someone criticised your post, but couldn't see why I was offended at being told I don't do enough for my kids...

I took offence at being called abhorrent. I have no issue with criticism and different opinions, but I was laid into with an aggressive FFS post, called abhorrent, accused of guilt tripping and directly attacking. So yes, of course I am going to take offence. I said absolutely NONE of these things or anything remotely similar to either you or the other poster who seems to have taken a dislike to me: I'm not sure why you find it 'hilarious' because what I posted to you was a basic fact of human nature. A suggestion, one that you yourself actually agreed may have been a factor.

As many posters have agreed as disagreed so it's not as if my point was off the scale or anything.

Fair enough - I certainly feel a lot of guilt (like most parents?) so there it is. I do find it it useful to get different opinions on things, just that one I found a bit hurtful and I can't really do anything about it so that made it worse. Others have agreed, but with more qualifying statements which softened it a bit.

If by human nature you mean kids wanting their mums - yes, but they get a minimum of 3 hours with me each evening - often more, and loads of time in the holidays too. It's also a basic human need to have food, shelter, security - and I'm the only one who's going to provide any of that for them. I accept you didn't mean it as a criticism, but it did feel like one I'm afraid.

Anyway, it was a bit of a low point last night but it seems it's pushed me to make a few positive changes, so that's good.

Stay strong OP.

You were not over reacting.

Having a 10 and 12 year old pissing about and being purposely disrespectful is one thing.

Having a 15 and 17 year old twice the size if you being disrespectful is another thing entirely.

And yes it starts off by 'pissing about' about at 10 and 12 and not facing serious consequences. Especially as a single parent.

You sound like a very good Mum who is doing the best that you can do for your children. I don't think you overreacted and it sounds like you all had a positive conversation today which is good.

@theduchessstill DC will play up for attention at any age if you are a SAHM or not. I work 3 nights so I am here every day, they still play up for attention.
It is hard to get the balance right and always so much to do. You're doing your best like us all.
Not to butt into a disagreement though I honestly believe @zoobincan had no malice.
You can be with DC 24/7 it is still not enough to satisfy their need for more.
Poor mum gets forgotten.
We should have stuck in the past days of ignoring them, sending then out for hours till dark, DC these days are full on

How would you tell an NQT to handle their behaviour if it was 10.45 after wet break and the lunch supervision hadn’t been up to the job?

I don’t think you are over reacting unless you feel you lost control of yourself.

Planning at 9.15 for the next day with family chaos is rubbish and I’d read the riot act for sure but I might also try a bit of reverse psychology and get them out of bed REALLY early......

1.45 even. Well dodgy timetable if lunch is that early!

Sounds like you need a bit of help parenting around bed time maybe? Ask some friends what they do? Getting kids to bed separately is tricky if you’ve left it unchecked and let them get away with bad behaviour for a long time. End of the day, if they have different bed times they should have different rooms. Your the adult so you’re I. Charge

Ugh what is it about bedtime and some kids?!

Mine are also the type who are calm and serene all day then will not stop messing at bad time. So annoying, I love my boys but I treasure my evenings alone.

It might be a tad harsh of a punishment but maybe they won’t act the fool tomorrow. And I agree, take the Xbox cable so they can’t play it.