Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Impending divorce

56 replies

Jimineycricket · 06/01/2020 20:55

Never ever posted on here and a bit scared but would welcome advice.. my husband of 6 years and father of my 2 kids 5 and under left me in the summer as I’d run up a debt and not told him and I’m “ shit with money” I do work and earn my own money but from the start of our relationship he insisted i pay it all into a joint account which was fair enough. Only he then started printing out the bank statements and then highlighting everything I spent and got cross about it. He wouldn’t let me do the food shop as I spent too much and then took my bank card away to “ protect” our finances from me. Then I had the kids. He didn’t cope well with them as newborns and I did everything, all night feeds etc. With my youngest daughter he was awful. Just had no patience at all at shouted at her right from a newborn. Anyway he walked out in August and had blamed me entirely as I ran up a debt. For years he’s sworn at me, told me to “ shut the fuck up” called me a dribbling alcoholic, useless at driving, told me my kids will be embarrassed of me, I can’t be trusted to make any decisions, I’m bi polar etc etc. I’m now on anti depressants and feel like a burden to everyone and have no confidence. When we met I supervised a department, was a bubbly size 6 gym bunny with no debts. Now I’m overweight, heavily medicated with severe anxiety. Yet I still feel so sad about the separation and feel an utter failure. Does it get easier? Or aibu to move on and forge a new life. I feel so guilty about my mistakes and responsible as I did run up a debt. My dad died when I was heavily pregnant with my first and then then had a traumatic Labour with my first and I did lose the plot a bit. I just feel so sad and hopeless all the time but need to get the divorce sorted and keep a stable environment for my kids

OP posts:
MinistryOfTragic · 06/01/2020 21:07

It sounds like you've been abused for many years dear OP. It must be very hard for you at the moment but you and your kids really do deserve more than the marriage you ended up in.

I don't have any experience of this myself but I feel for you so much, I wanted to send you strength to find your happiness. I know you will, just get the divorce rolling and keep going. Things will get better. ❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️

ShawshanksRedemption · 06/01/2020 21:13

He sounds abusive, shouting at a newborn baby and his treatment of you. I'm not quite sure how you were able to run up a debt though if he had control of the account/your card? Or perhaps it was another way to abuse you, accusing you of debt?

Not sure if you've been on the anti-depressants long, but of longer than 2months, consider going back to GP and asking for a review if your mood is still very low. Have you been offered counselling or therapy to help? Do you have any friends/family you can lean on for support?

I'm sure once you've worked through your feelings after being a victim of abuse, and realise that you are not responsible for your husbands behaviour towards you, you will start to get the old you back. Flowers

Stillfunny · 06/01/2020 21:15

Your life could not possibly be any worse than while you were living with such a horrible , abusive man.
You have done nothing wrong with regard the debt - you weren't spending money on yourself or luxuries.
Hopefully , in time , you will see how much better off you are without him. And your kids will definitely benefit from not having him in their life.Flowers

Weenurse · 06/01/2020 21:17

You sound defeated. You are doing well to be away from him.
You will come to see that this was the best thing that happened to you.

Teacupover5 · 06/01/2020 21:21

Stay strong sweetie ...you have done nothing wrong .You have been abused .Focus on building a new life and making happy times with your lovely children .❤️

BlueSuffragette · 06/01/2020 21:27

You sound much better off without him. He was controlling and abusive. You can be much happier just you and your children. Get good legal advice and don't agree to anything unless your solicitor says it's a good idea.

maddening · 06/01/2020 21:34

He thinks he has beaten it out of you, come out fighting.

Can you get copies of bank statements, I would not trust him as far as I could throw him as far as finances go.

Cryalot2 · 06/01/2020 21:38
Flowers
Jimineycricket · 06/01/2020 21:43

Thanks all. I wasn’t sure anyone would reply. I took a credit card out as I knew he’d react so badly if I spent from the joint account. He could go into a sulk that would last days. I then made the minimum repayments from the “ allowance” he gave me. I do feel very guilty about it. None of it went on me though - it went on food ( as his weekly shops didn’t last more than a few days) and trips out for the kids. I do feel bad about it and like I e ruined my kids family. The only thing I would say is he has been happy to leave me to do it ALL with them. I used to be scared to leave the kids alone with him as I didn’t want them to be shouted at. He’s now moved in with his parents, bought a brand new sports car and has a whole new wardrobe. I am struggling to pay the bills. I feel a total loser.

OP posts:
Weenurse · 06/01/2020 21:48

Is he paying to support his children?

Jimineycricket · 06/01/2020 21:53

Yes he pays £750’a month which pays half the bills and mortgage. He does earn three times as much as me though

OP posts:
Jimineycricket · 06/01/2020 21:57

He also moved all our savings into his account when he left. My washingmachinebroke right before Xmas and my sister had to buy me a new one. Ex knew this and still did t even offer me £50
From “our” savings

OP posts:
Blacksackunderthetreesfreeze · 06/01/2020 21:57

He sounds horrible! He was financially abusing you in an appalling way. You ran up a debt so that you have something to live on - he wanted you to do what, starve? Not feed the children?

Blacksackunderthetreesfreeze · 06/01/2020 21:58

Just keep a record of what the savings were and him moving them. Get them back through the courts.

Weenurse · 06/01/2020 22:00

How far along are you with the divorce?

AgeShallNotWitherHer · 06/01/2020 22:01

You have done it all on your own in really impossible circumstances. No wonder you have been affected by this. But you can, and will recover. It will take time but it will get better.

You sound lovely.

Go to CAB for initial advice about debt and any possible entitlement to benefits. You will also need legal advice about ending the marriage.

He should be supporting his children financially.

Jimineycricket · 06/01/2020 22:03

He genuinely thinks he’s in the right. And I do feel a dick about the debt. That’s why koi I’ve met him speak to me and treat me like shit. As I feel so guilty and worthless. Before he left I remember telling him a funny work story and saying “ you’d have been proud of me”
Straightaway he said “
I doubt that very much” and he wasn’t joking

OP posts:
samb80 · 06/01/2020 22:03

It does get easier.

Jimineycricket · 06/01/2020 22:04

I m about to start the petition. Up
Until recently I wanted him back but now I ve started to appreciate not being scared to go home

OP posts:
2020BetterBeBetter · 06/01/2020 22:04

He sounds awful. Yanbu! Flowers

NotStayingIn · 06/01/2020 22:05

I’m so sorry OP. But he sounds like an utter abusive dick and in the long you will be much happier. I hope you are getting good legal advice? And don’t put yourself down. You realise getting into debt was a mistake but you also know why it happened. I’m sure that you are able to manage money just fine without his abusive controlling ways forcing you into debt. But if you are worried why not look for some free online courses once you have more headspace for it. Learning how to budget etc is not that tricky and it might help get your confidence in that area back up.

MinistryOfTragic · 06/01/2020 22:09

You wouldn't have got yourself into debt if he wasn't a financially controlling wanker OP. He probably knew you would have no choice, where did he think the extra food was coming from? What an absolute twat. None of this is your fault, he's been an abuser of you for years. Things will get better. ❤️

Jimineycricket · 06/01/2020 22:09

Thanks all. I ve worked out a payment plan with the credit card company and since he left I never spend what I don’t have. Several old friends have got back in touch saying they stopped coming over as ex was so rude to them. I think I ll be happier without hm but worry things will get worse before they get better and I just feel so broke atm

OP posts:
Jimineycricket · 06/01/2020 22:10

He was definitely a wanker!

OP posts:
millymoo1202 · 06/01/2020 22:12

I think you are going to be fine as you will be much better off without him. Go get legal advice, doesn’t matter if he’s moved money from savings accounts as it’s a marital asset as is the debt, I would think he’s liable for half of that too.

Swipe left for the next trending thread