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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Impending divorce

56 replies

Jimineycricket · 06/01/2020 20:55

Never ever posted on here and a bit scared but would welcome advice.. my husband of 6 years and father of my 2 kids 5 and under left me in the summer as I’d run up a debt and not told him and I’m “ shit with money” I do work and earn my own money but from the start of our relationship he insisted i pay it all into a joint account which was fair enough. Only he then started printing out the bank statements and then highlighting everything I spent and got cross about it. He wouldn’t let me do the food shop as I spent too much and then took my bank card away to “ protect” our finances from me. Then I had the kids. He didn’t cope well with them as newborns and I did everything, all night feeds etc. With my youngest daughter he was awful. Just had no patience at all at shouted at her right from a newborn. Anyway he walked out in August and had blamed me entirely as I ran up a debt. For years he’s sworn at me, told me to “ shut the fuck up” called me a dribbling alcoholic, useless at driving, told me my kids will be embarrassed of me, I can’t be trusted to make any decisions, I’m bi polar etc etc. I’m now on anti depressants and feel like a burden to everyone and have no confidence. When we met I supervised a department, was a bubbly size 6 gym bunny with no debts. Now I’m overweight, heavily medicated with severe anxiety. Yet I still feel so sad about the separation and feel an utter failure. Does it get easier? Or aibu to move on and forge a new life. I feel so guilty about my mistakes and responsible as I did run up a debt. My dad died when I was heavily pregnant with my first and then then had a traumatic Labour with my first and I did lose the plot a bit. I just feel so sad and hopeless all the time but need to get the divorce sorted and keep a stable environment for my kids

OP posts:
TwentyViginti · 06/01/2020 22:56

This time next year, you'll be amazed how far you've come! the twat you were shackled to was bringing you down. Only way is up now!

jay55 · 07/01/2020 07:06

The debt is his fault. He stole all your wages and kept you short. He withheld food from his children by not buying enough. You did what you had to do to keep your kids fed, clothed and entertained.

Grandmi · 07/01/2020 07:17

Bless you . You have escaped from a controlling bully.. He is the reason you have a debt. He has deliberately kept you financially controlled and is very unpleasant. Go back to your GP for a meds’ review. Long term you will be better off without this vile man in your life 💐

DownTownAbbey · 07/01/2020 07:34

This is all very familiar to me. I was forced into debt to buy essentials for my baby whilst my abusive H spent money like water on himself. It's taken me a long time to untangle all the feelings I was left with and realise the million and one ways his abuse effected me. Take each day as it comes, accept that it will take time to understand your feelings about yourself, and know that one day you'll be out the other side, back to your old self. It took years for him to cut you down. It'll take some time to grow back up. There's comfort in knowing you're on the right track to feeling ok. Don't beat yourself up at the start of the process. Flowers

Livebythecoast · 07/01/2020 08:14

The debt is NOT your fault. It's not like you were buying designer clothes etc. He is the loser not you. You are working and raising your DC - you are strong and brave.
You will get through this and eventually believe how great you are and you deserve happiness Flowers

helloblodyn · 12/01/2020 21:59

Where do these men come from?! I have just started divorce proceedings and my husband is also staying at his parents. He doesn't sound as bad as yours OP but I'm lucky I had a good amount of savings behind me as I have had to fund my entire maternity leave. He didn't think he should give me any extra because I was just at home on a holiday. I spend my own money because I know anything on the joint account will be picked up on. I've been pleased to return to work so I can get some money to help me in the months ahead. He will undoubtedly try his best to keep hold of any materialistic thing he can. I can tell you that what he did to you is wrong, but I know how difficult it is to realise that. I still feel guilty about buying anything for the baby despite being told by professionals that he abuses me emotionally and financially. Good luck xx

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