Pregnant and SO lonely- DH issues

[CadburysFestiveFriends]

I’m 7 months into an unpleasant pregnancy. Off work for 5 months. DH works 60+ hours a week and has professional exams occupying all of his free time.

He Gets up at 5am to revise so gets 30 mins between getting home and going to bed. He eats and watches TV in silence. He’s been away on a course studying all weekend, got back late yesterday- again too tired to engage Just TV and food in silence.

This morning we spent a couple of hours doing admin (Bits I couldn’t do alone- mostly parental leave for him...etc) He then asks if I want to watch his TV show. I say no as the TV screen triggers my vomiting, so he immediately says he needs to study and moves to another room, where he puts on his TV show, eats his snacks and reads his books.

I cried, realising the 2/3 hours of time I was gonna get from him in this 2/3 week period was now over. He snaps at me ‘do you really think I want to study?’ then goes back to studying. Tbh I do think he’d rather study because it means being left alone and watching his shows. I took myself upstairs feeling rather rejected (he knows how I feel) he just ignored it and is now taking a nap.

He’s about to do a week of night shifts too so I won’t see him. I have made every effort to be supportive and make his life easier as he is under a lot of pressure but it’s been 6 awful months of constant unrelenting revision/work. I feel like my being unwell is a giant inconvenience and am constantly anxious about putting anything on him as he ‘can’t take anymore’.

I never see him and I’m always alone. I used to have a wonderful work/social life but am now too unwell to maintain either. He also doesn’t come to any of my medical Apts - my DM does.

* So I don’t drip feed- all of these exams and revision came after I got pregnant. He knew they were coming and what it would be like but did not communicate it to me. He was (in my opinion) deliberately vague as knew I would have waited to TTC and he didn’t want to wait!

AIBU to think there’s a point at which his lack of work/life balance becomes quite selfish? Or that expecting to spend every scrap of free time in front of his TV show (when it makes me sick) is unfair?

YANBU to feel lonely but he is NBU if he needs to study either. And 60+ hours of work a week and exams on top of that means he must be on his knees with exhaustion (I would be!).

It sounds like he's the sole financial provider at the moment, and the studying will be over once the exams are done - as will your pregnancy-related sickness.

The details of your financial situation aren't totally clear, but he's not being selfish if he needs to work and study to support you and your unborn child. Do you rely on his income as a family?

For the time being I'd cut each other some slack given that it sounds like this situation is temporary.

YANBU but why didn’t you suggest something else? No matter how busy he is he needs some time away from his work. If he’s on nights this week maybe suggest one evening going for an early bite to eat or something that gets you both out of the house.

Is he a medic? IME they can be the worst for expressing much sympathy or empathy with illness at home.

How can he be revising if he's watching tv? Is it just one programme that makes you feel sick, or any tv?

He sounds like he's working incredibly hard, studying presumably won't be forever. In a way, surely it's better now, than when you need him around with the baby here.

Everyone needs some downtime, when they don't speak / engage / whatever. He doesn't get much of that downtime.

I've been there (I was the one studying and working until the sun was out). It is incredibly exhausting and drains you out completely. He might want to watch tv to not to think about anything and he is probably on the verge of a burnout.
But you are pregnant and you need him, cannot you talk to him?

The good news are that both situations are temporary...

If I was him I would be exhausted. I think you need to accept he has very little to give at the moment. It sounds like he's the only one working, and presumably all these exams will benefit his career and you. I don't have any advice, but maybe you could reach out to your friends to have someone over for tea.
My DH works 60+ hours too, and we have a D's with complex special needs. I find friends make a huge difference..

@Lockheart
He does earn more than me but I get a decent FT wage and am lucky enough to recover full pay whilst off sick. So he’s not feeling more pressure to provide.

@MatildaTheCat
He doesn’t want to do anything I suggest and I am a bit limited as eating out/going out isn’t really possible atm as I really am rather unwell.
Yes he’s a medic 👍🏻

@HollowTalk
He says he revised better with TV on.
It’s all screens tbh sometimes I’m ok for a bit but then I get sick. It’s almost like motion sickness. But I’ve had HG so could just be that, definitely makes it worse though.
I’m on my phone now but if I use it in a dark room on the night setting it’s usually ok 👍🏻

I think I’m just cross because I’ve had such a horrible and lonely experience of pregnancy and felt like I’m such an inconvenience!

I feel like had he been up front about how many exams he had and how much time they would require (which he did know) then I would have chosen to wait until they were over. Rather than spending 7 months like this 😭

There must be something you could both agree on doing together once a week or so? However he is probably feeling selfish due to the pressure he’s under and an underlying feeling that you are lounging around all day and still moaning.

Since he’s currently unavailable your only option is to plan your own diary as much as possible with your illness and get out and see people as frequently as you can.

Keep some interests going and obviously plan for your baby. And hopefully ensure that he is available to you for a decent period of time when the baby is born and tiny.

How much more training does he have to complete?

But you wouldn’t have known you would be ill during pregnancy?

It’s better to get them out the way before baby comes.

I knew you'd say medic. It sucks, I'm totally with you. But this is short term and after the exams surely things will change? There's so much pressure and expense involved with the exams I get his side of it too although in your position I'd feel hacked off

Sounds like the FRCA. It's awful but it does pass. I think I was probably a nightmare when I was studying for professional exams as well.

Given that he probably looks after sick people at work all day, coming home to someone who is also permanently ill must be quite draining to be honest.

It's not your fault obviously, but maybe try doing something nice like getting out for a walk? Get out of both your headspaces for a few minutes?

You're both under a lot of pressure at the moment, but as a pp says, at least this way, most (all?) of his prep for exams will be out of the way soon, so that when the baby comes, he'll be more focused at home.

It's not the attention you're craving from your husband, but do you have anyone you could invite around for a chat or something in your home (if you're feeling too unwell to go out)? Or think of some other way to treat yourself to something pleasant?

Easier said than done, but I'd try not to think about him too much. He's in survival-study mode right now, so you're better off not expecting much from him. Put it out of your mind that you're an inconvenience and just take it one day at a time, doing the best you can every day. You'll come through the other side, eventually, and this unpleasant, lonely time will be nothing more than a memory.

@Nicknacky
No but I’d still have been horribly lonely 😂 being so unwell has intensified it but I still wouldn’t have chosen to go through pregnancy whilst DH went through 6-10 months of professional hell.

@balletpanda
I’m sure they will get better just seems so unfair that the ‘worst’ period has been whilst I really could have done with support/company.

@Junie

We tried to go for a walk this morning. I got sick, couldn’t keep up with him (he didn’t say but could feel his frustration) got out of breath, dizzy and had to sit down for 10 mins on a bench ... then walk slowly home. We made it about a mile, into town.

I get frustrated at myself and so upset as I was fit and healthy before this pregnancy- I’m only 27 FFS!!

Will this all change before the baby comes? Or is he expecting you to cope alone?

YANBU to feel upset and lonely but I’ve been there with work and study and sometimes being selfish and having cordoned off alone time is the only way to keep treading water.

I don’t know what to suggest but this will pass - the studying, the loneliness, the sickness, everything.

@ILearnedItFromABook

Thanks for the reply that’s very much how I feel!
I am doing what I can to ‘enjoy’ myself reading, warm baths, housework (just to feel like I’ve achieved something) and trying to get myself healthier. It’s just tough as when I say I’m unwell I don’t mean like ‘can meet friends for coffees still’

Medical apt’s and an occasional trip to the little supermarket up the street is the extent of my leaving the house!

@myfuckingfreezer

He did announce that if he doesn’t pass this up coming exam (Feb) then he intends to use his SPL to intensely revise for the next sitting 👍🏻

I told him he must be high if he thought I was sacrificing my maternity leave so he could lock himself away all day and leave me with a newborn.
He thought IWBU

@myfuckingfreezer

I do worry that even passes this upcoming exam, he’s so tired/mentally exhausted from it all that he’s viewing SPL as a 3 month long holiday for him to recover. He does make comments about how lovely it will be to have ‘3 months off’ and ‘catch up on sleep and Netflix’ 🙄

The thing is, I’m going to need to recover from this nightmare pregnancy too so I really will have little patience for him not pulling his weight. Some of his colleagues (who took no SPL and whose wives seem to do everything) have told him having a new born is a doddle as they ‘sleep all the time’ and ‘if they’re breast feeding there’s nothing you can do really it’s all your wife’

I’ve told him I’ll be expressing and he’ll be doing 50% night feeds- else he can go back to work

I told him he must be high if he thought I was sacrificing my maternity leave so he could lock himself away all day and leave me with a newborn. He thought IWBU

I was 50:50. But now not. That's a shitty thing for him to assume. Watch this one. No wonder he was keen to TTC. I'd have three if someone else was making all the sacrifices and doing all the work.

He’s clearly working and studying for a better future for you both and the impending family. I think you just have to support him. It won’t be forever. As for the long hours and shift work, unfortunately if you’re married to a medic then this is what you signed up for.
I’m sorry you’re feeling unwell during your pregnancy. It’s horrible to feel so unwell all the time. Try and rest as much as you can. Good luck with the rest of your pregnancy.

You poor thing OP! I immediately thought medic doing FRCS when I read your post. I actually remember my father doing this when I was a little girl - because I remember the stress we were all under at home when he was going through it.

I imagine it’s hugely difficult as Pregnancy is such a weird time without the added stress of being really ill and having your DP not able to shower you with support and attention. I feel for you.

What I would say though is that one thing I wish I was old enough to tell my parents when my father was doing his FRCS and my mother was pregnant with one of my younger siblings is that your relationship isn’t worth sacrificing (with each other, with your kids) on the altar of the FRCS. That might mean that you both force yourselves to find ways to compromise to support the other. My father also used to always want to eat in front of the TV and not speak to anyone when he got home. We didn’t understand, and this lead to tension with others at home. It ended up making him feel really depressed, but he didn’t recognize that and as a result his relationship with my mother deteriorated.
Really long story and skipping out details they are still together but it’s been a really long slog for the whole family and has set a template for my husband and I that we are actively Using as the “what not to do” example.

my parents are now (after 35 years of marriage) much better clear communicating, not projecting their emotions or interpretations on to the other and asking for the support they need without filling the request with sarcasm or judgment.
Try to be grateful for each other when you can see them trying to support you. Express love frequently. Tell him that you’re really proud of how hard he is working and what he does (being a medic in the UK is a hard job with insufficient reward) and even though you might not feel like doing any of this I urge you to try: set the example in your relationship as much as you can. Kick out the energy/vibe/love you want to see in your partner yourself as much as you are able because people tend to give back to you what you throw out.

Also I think that MN is a great place to unload about it all so you can keep going in the day to day! Use it to give yourself mental space but don’t end up in a resentment cycle.

Good luck with the rest of your pregnancy and good luck to your partner on his FRCS
Xx

No one serious about study revises with the T.V on!! Possibly if you don’t really care and want to make a half hearted effort? Tell him to study for one hour with no t.v then he can use the other time to actually have a relationship with you. This is going to be worse still when you have a baby that you are basically raising alone. Is that the life you want?

He did announce that if he doesn’t pass this up coming exam (Feb) then he intends to use his SPL to intensely revise for the next sitting

• tell him to fuck off! I’m presuming that he plans to take SPL once you have gone back to work. who will be looking after baby?

I had a no napping baby who would only sleep if I drove her round. Never napped in the house so I could get zero done. Wanted constant entertainment from mummy. I was lucky if she would got in the rocker to the play mat for 10 mins without screaming allowing me to quickly get the dishwasher or a load of washing on. During the first 6 months of May leave I never got to eat a hot lunch of cup of tea in the house. DH was at work and then made excusing to come home late or played on his fucking computer as he had been working hard for a whole 8 hours a day! I had been up since 4am and not even had a cup of tea! I was on my knees with exhaustion for the whole of my mat leave. Lack of DH pulling his weight meant I took much longer to recover from the birth as there was zero time to rest.