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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Pregnant and SO lonely- DH issues

54 replies

CadburysFestiveFriends · 06/01/2020 17:14

I’m 7 months into an unpleasant pregnancy. Off work for 5 months. DH works 60+ hours a week and has professional exams occupying all of his free time.

He Gets up at 5am to revise so gets 30 mins between getting home and going to bed. He eats and watches TV in silence. He’s been away on a course studying all weekend, got back late yesterday- again too tired to engage Just TV and food in silence.

This morning we spent a couple of hours doing admin (Bits I couldn’t do alone- mostly parental leave for him...etc) He then asks if I want to watch his TV show. I say no as the TV screen triggers my vomiting, so he immediately says he needs to study and moves to another room, where he puts on his TV show, eats his snacks and reads his books.

I cried, realising the 2/3 hours of time I was gonna get from him in this 2/3 week period was now over. He snaps at me ‘do you really think I want to study?’ then goes back to studying. Tbh I do think he’d rather study because it means being left alone and watching his shows. I took myself upstairs feeling rather rejected (he knows how I feel) he just ignored it and is now taking a nap.

He’s about to do a week of night shifts too so I won’t see him. I have made every effort to be supportive and make his life easier as he is under a lot of pressure but it’s been 6 awful months of constant unrelenting revision/work. I feel like my being unwell is a giant inconvenience and am constantly anxious about putting anything on him as he ‘can’t take anymore’.

I never see him and I’m always alone. I used to have a wonderful work/social life but am now too unwell to maintain either. He also doesn’t come to any of my medical Apts - my DM does.

* So I don’t drip feed- all of these exams and revision came after I got pregnant. He knew they were coming and what it would be like but did not communicate it to me. He was (in my opinion) deliberately vague as knew I would have waited to TTC and he didn’t want to wait!

AIBU to think there’s a point at which his lack of work/life balance becomes quite selfish? Or that expecting to spend every scrap of free time in front of his TV show (when it makes me sick) is unfair?

OP posts:
MinisterforCheekyFuckery · 06/01/2020 19:18

I think when one partner is working all the hours and the other isn't working at all it can be really tricky to maintain a balance in the relationship. After being stuck at home alone all day you're desperate for some conversation, but after a busy shift he's desperate for some quiet time and to veg out in front of the TV. Neither of you is unreasonable, it sounds tough for both of you. You're both going through a stressful time and you need different things in order to cope. The key is compromise. So he gets to spend some time watching TV to wind down after his shift, but he needs to make an effort to talk or do something with you later for example.

MrsTerryPratchett · 06/01/2020 19:22

No one serious about study revises with the T.V on!!

I always did. I have ADHD and find it much easier to study with noise. I got a very good degree with music and the TV on at the same time as studying. Quiet doesn't work for everyone.

I'm still Team OP. But that isn't true.

chamenanged · 06/01/2020 19:26

He does not sound like a doctor I'd want to receive treatment from.

Crunchymum · 06/01/2020 19:38

Have you NC OP?

This all sounds very familiar.

LadyAllegraImelda · 06/01/2020 19:49

You will have to watch him once the baby arrives, make sure he regularly looks after baby on his own straight off so he knows it isn't a doddle. Cn you go and stay with your mum for afternoons or a couple of overnights?

Unfortunately I think you have to suck it up for now, he does sound close to burn out. Focus on that it is temporary and you won't be taking any crap after baby arrives!

Original poster
CadburysFestiveFriends · 06/01/2020 19:56

I’m presuming that he plans to take SPL once you have gone back to work. who will be looking after baby?

No he’s planning to be off at the same time as me 🙄

OP posts:
MrsTerryPratchett · 06/01/2020 20:42

No he’s planning to be off at the same time as me

That's a no from me.

CommunistLegoBloc · 06/01/2020 20:45

Is this the husband with the chips and beans debacle? 🙄

Margotshypotheticaldog · 06/01/2020 20:53

Can you move home to your mother? At least until he qualifies.... Or until baby comes.... Or, you know, for however long you need to......

user1471592953 · 06/01/2020 20:56

I think PPs are being very indulgent. He sounds like an arsehole who thinks you’re making up your illness and/or exaggerating it. My DH was never like this when I had HG - he did his best to make things better. Your DH isn’t doing that - there is no excuse for not being kind, exams or not.

OoohTheStatsDontLie · 06/01/2020 21:05

I felt sorry for him on your first post. The more you say though it sounds more like he thinks 'you're the mother - you do all the baby stuff'...he is taking SPL at the same time as you to study/ Netflix? It's meant to be for the benefit of the baby not either parent. Why was he so desperate for a baby when he knew he would be too busy to be involved with the pregnancy - he must know its not plain sailing for everyone. I hope he steps up when the baby arrives

OoohTheStatsDontLie · 06/01/2020 21:05

Could you go and stay with your mum for a bit? At least you would have some care / company

TeenyQueen · 06/01/2020 21:07

I read a junior doctor's diary that was published a couple of years ago, they do work horrific hours under tremendous pressure, and are expected to study for multiple professional exams at the same time.

My DH works crazy hours (also in the medical field) and runs his own business so he works a lot from home. It's been like this for the past 5 years, although he can have the holidays he wants because he's the boss. We have a 10 week old DD and although DH is a fantastic dad in reality I do 90% of the parenting. He's the main earner and his hard work enables us to have a good lifestyle so I just accept it and enjoy spending time with DD. We do have a cleaner who comes in twice a week Smile.
I too had HG although mine got vastly better by 18 weeks (it returned at 34 weeks and I was hospitalised).

I don't really have any practical advice apart from making sure you have as much practical support as possible in the early weeks e.g. ask your mum, sister or friend to stay with you, hire a cleaner to do the weekly cleaning etc.

Try to take care of yourself and just focus on yourself and the baby for now.

Original poster
CadburysFestiveFriends · 06/01/2020 21:43

@CommunistLegoBloc 😂 yes that was me. Haven't posted since and NC’d as lots of people on that thread thought I was another poster from months earlier...I was not.

@user1471592953
I don’t think he thinks I’m making it up, he’s seen it enough to know and I’ve been in hospital so he knows I’m unwell.

Tbh he’s not a ‘bad’ guy at all, there’s a reason I married him, it’s just he has no time at all and it’s been consistent and relentless for 6/7 months. I’m lonely and it’s not getting any better. But he’s not cruel or nasty, just not around much so it’s easy to wait it out.

I should have mentioned earlier (apologies for potential drip feed) but he is rather socially awkward - I suspect he has undiagnosed mild autism. He often sees things from a ‘non emotional’ perspective and can be a bit odd. Which obviously being pregnant and hormonal doesn’t help.

OP posts:
Horehound · 06/01/2020 22:01

No fucking way would he be taking spl with the intention of sitting on his arse. Fucking NO op. No way.

Horehound · 06/01/2020 22:01

What was the chips and beans debacle?

Original poster
CadburysFestiveFriends · 06/01/2020 22:14

@Horehound

The last time we had a big fall out, at the 20 week scan. I was really sick and miserable but suddenly craved chips and beans in the hospital canteen.

DH did not want to do that as it was busy. Insisted I sit down whilst he got the food- did an awful job, beans all over the tray/non on the plate 😂🙈 then got all twitchy/irritable so I stupidly asked if he wanted to leave- he took literally and immediately walked out! I stupidly followed but was pretty annoyed! Just a mess of me being unwell/not functioning normally and his social awkwardness.

OP posts:
MrsTerryPratchett · 06/01/2020 22:19

I remember your poor chips.

Horehound · 06/01/2020 22:20

God. He's going to be a disaster to you and the baby when it arrives.
I'd think carefully if you really want to live your life with him

Nicknacky · 06/01/2020 22:30

Oh god are you the beans poster?!

LittleOwl153 · 06/01/2020 22:44

Do not share parental leave with this man unless he takes the time once you return to work. He will leave the baby to you and you will not get the chance to recover before your reduced maternity time is up and because he has already used the rest you will be stuck.

YenniferOfVengeberg · 06/01/2020 22:58

What's the chips and beans thread?

holidayhelpp · 06/01/2020 23:16

I knew it was you 🤦‍♀️

Kirstenkl · 07/01/2020 00:13

Why won't you see him when he's on nights? You're not working so you'll both be at home in the day time.

How are you married to a doctor but have no idea of the career/exam structure?

Questions aside, as ever, yes, you are being unreasonable. If he gets half an hour to himself a day, it's not particularly unreasonable to want to just watch some TV.

You're also unreasonable for saying he doesn't go to hospital appointments with you when we all remember the debacle that was your last trip to the hospital.

Bagofworries · 07/01/2020 00:22

Does anyone have a link to the last thread please? The chips and beans one?
Also, @kirstenkl, what happened at the last hospital appointment?

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