Should I stay away from the funeral?

[allcoloursoftherainbow]

My grandad passed away recently. I’ve always known he physically abused my mum and uncle as a child but I assumed mum had forgiven him on some level. During his illness she didn’t visit him much and just said he’s getting what he deserves. He left her brothers money and possessions and my mum nothing. One of her brothers was mouthing off during the funeral planning saying she didn’t bother so doesn’t deserve anything. It came out he sexual abused my mother from ages 10-15. She left home at 15. One of them didn’t believe her, kicked off, saying she is bitter and lying. Threatened violence. Her and my dad are not going to the funeral now it is out, but I’m not supposed to know.
Should I go to the funeral or not? What a mess.

Don’t go. Your poor mum

No, I wouldn’t. I wouldn’t have anything to do with that side of the family anymore personally.

Don't go. Support your Mum.

I was thinking more towards don’t going but she has told my other uncle I don’t know and I don’t know how I would explain not going so it’s a rock and hard place, but I think I’m leaning more towards not going. Here’s to hoping he’s burning in hell!

I wouldn’t go to the funeral

You certainly don't need to go, and for your mother's sake it may be better that you don't. But you do also need to consider yourself. What was your relationship with him? Do you need to go and grieve? If so, I think you should go to the service, but you don't need to talk to your uncles and you don't need to go to the wake either.

Don't go and spend the time with your mum instead.

I wouldn't go. Support your poor mum. I imagine that even if he'd left money to her she wouldn't want it because it would feel tainted. What a nasty man - and your uncle isn't much better.

she has told my other uncle I don’t know and I don’t know how I would explain not going

Why has she told him that? I'm afraid that I would just tell your uncle the truth if he asks why you didn't go.

Don't go, say you wanted to be with your mum at this difficult time.

Help you dm raise a toast to being rid of him.
Nasty fucker.
Stay away from the funeral.

I had a relationship with him where we would just have idle chit chat but we weren’t close, never any birthday cards etc. He lived near us all my life though so he’s always been around. One uncle does believe her as he was abused physically also but he is suffering from mental health problems so is finding it hard to process. The other uncle never got any abuse and is just a twat who won’t have anything said and thinks mums just making it up.

I wouldn't attend the funeral of any paedohile sex offender, relative or not.

You don't need to go, and you also don't need to explain yourself to anyone.

Your mum's family sound like a bunch of dicks, so best to just leave them to it.

to you and your mum for this shitty situation

Possibly my uncle doesn’t want my opinion changed or wants to keep it among as few people as possible? He’s grieving I guess and that’s how he’s coped. I don’t want to lie about not knowing either to be honest. I feel like going just to get up and give a speech of the kind of person he was! Poor mum keeping that for 40+ years. It’s certainly dried up my tears about his passing put it that way.

I wouldn't go. Why not take your mum shopping or out for tea on the day?

I wouldn't go

Can i ask how you found out?

It might be a valuable opportunity to get your mom to open up about the abuse to you and it might bring you two closer

I know when my mom eventually confessed a dark secret from her past that it really did bring us closer (we've always had a volatile relationship but the dynamic finally shifting now thar I'm an adult)

Just tell your mum that you won't be going. That she obviously has her own reasons for not going and you are supporting her whatever they are.

Definitely don't go.

Not sure why your Mum told him you don't know. I would ask your Mum what she wants. If she doesn't want them to know you know then maybe put in an appearance. Basically support her in whatever way is most helpful. If you want to grieve your grandad maybe go to the grave site/wherever his ashes are scattered/somewhere that means something to him later is also an option. You might also want to do that in order to shout at him if that's something you feel the need to do xx

@Boogbuster she got back from the family meeting about the funeral where it kicked off last night and said to me and DH she had something to tell us once DC were in bed. And she just told us everything. I appreciate she also told DH as it’s clearly a guarded deep secret and it means I’m not alone in knowing I can talk to DH. She kept apologising for burdening us - it was a night that involved lots of wine and brandy!!

Yes she just said please please don’t tell anyone you know. So of course I said well I don’t want to go to the funeral but if we don’t will it be obvious? I don’t think I’m going I’ve made up my mind I think. I also have quite a mouth on me and I’m not sure I would be able to keep it shut! I might take her for lunch or a shopping day as suggested on the day of it.

I wouldn’t even consider going to the funeral of scum.
Why’s it a question?
At least he’s 6 foot under now and can’t harm anyone else.

I wouldn't go either.

Also, wtf has it go to do with the others?

You don't owe them an explanation!