Should I stay away from the funeral?

[allcoloursoftherainbow]

My grandad passed away recently. I’ve always known he physically abused my mum and uncle as a child but I assumed mum had forgiven him on some level. During his illness she didn’t visit him much and just said he’s getting what he deserves. He left her brothers money and possessions and my mum nothing. One of her brothers was mouthing off during the funeral planning saying she didn’t bother so doesn’t deserve anything. It came out he sexual abused my mother from ages 10-15. She left home at 15. One of them didn’t believe her, kicked off, saying she is bitter and lying. Threatened violence. Her and my dad are not going to the funeral now it is out, but I’m not supposed to know.
Should I go to the funeral or not? What a mess.

And why would you want to go to save face with uncles who knew?
Not in a million years.

I think it would be a massive betrayal of your mother to attend this funeral. There are only 2 reasons to go to a funeral. The first is to honour the deceased, which how could you possibly? The second is to support those left behind. Why would you do that? These people have done nothing but abuse your mother. It would be absurd of you to go.

The only reason I was thinking was because I didn’t want her getting more grief for telling me. But you know what fuck it. I believe her without any doubt and I’m not going. I hope he’s getting his comeuppance in the afterlife.

I wouldn’t go to the funeral. So what if you know? It’s absolutely disgusting what he done to your mam. Made even worse by the fact he was her father.

Terrible that he got away with it then. Scum of the earth and he deserves to rot!!

Your poor mam. Can’t believe she had to jerk that secret for so long. For everyone to think he was nice 😡

*keep

Definitely don’t go

If you want to keep it vague, just text someone that you’re ill a couple of days before it.

Of course you shouldn't go to the funeral. He sexually abused your poor mother.

I totally get where you're coming from about wanting to get up and give a speech about what kind of monster he was, but don't. It won't end well for anyone.

Ah I've just read your update OP - that's the right decision, bless you and your mum

No, don't go out of support for your Mum.

I wouldn't go.

If anyone asked, I would just say I had my reasons and I was happy with that.

I would only go to the funeral of a person like that so I could make absolutely sure he was dead, and then dance on his grave.

Don’t go. Spend the time with your mum.

I didn't go my grandad's funeral (my dad's dad). He was a horrible man who did nothing but cause trouble over the years. He was horrible to my mum (my dad's second wife) and he never really liked me making me cry a lot by saying hurtful things to me when I was a child. Ten years on, I still don't regret my decision. If you don't feel like going there's no need to just because it's a societal expectation.

You are all adults. Your uncle can fuck off for himself if he doesn't believe your mother, but he doesn't get to say who else should or should not be told. Don't go, plan a nice day with your mother and if they ask why you weren't there tell them you were supporting your mother. No need to say anything else. You don't have to tell them in advance that you are not going.

I wouldn’t go. No way. Take your mum out somewhere nice. Hope you’re all doing ok.
If anyone asks just say you wanted to stay with your mum.

The only reason I was thinking was because I didn’t want her getting more grief for telling me.

Your mother can tell anyone she wants about the abuse she suffered.
If I were you, I'd make a point of letting your uncles know that you know.

In my opinion, your uncles should also share the inheritance with your mother. It's a really crappy thing for your grandfather to leave nothing to your mother.

Don’t go, that cost your mum a lot to tell you that.
Just stay schtum and play the flu / upset tummy card. You owe no one any explanations.

Just be with your Mum now, and don't go to the funeral. Just have a nice day with your Mum,she has been very brave about her awful times.

You would only feel anger at the funeral,and annoyed about some family members.Some people are not worth bothering about, and the funeral is not worth bothering about either.

If you did go, who would it be for? Your grandfather won't know whether you're there or not now, and why do you care what your uncles think? The one who was physically abused will understand, and the abusive arsey one can take a hike. You're unlikely ever to see him again.
It would, however, upset your mother deeply.
So, it's a no-brainer for me. Don't go.

If they ask just say your mum and dad are not going, so you are not either and leave it at that. You don’t need to give any reasons. Then I would have as little to do with that uncle as possible

Another one saying don't go.

Your uncles have behaved appallingly over this, and your grandfather was (sadly) a scumbag. Your mum needs your support.

I wouldn’t go. No way. Your mum deserves lots of love and care and to do what she wants on the day of the funeral. Maybe ask her if there’s anything she’d like to do as a family.

Your mother can tell anyone she wants about the abuse she suffered. If I were you, I'd make a point of letting your uncles know that you know.

Totally agree. Your mum does not owe them her silence! People like this should be exposed for what they are - it might make them feel some shame for their behaviour.

Don't go, support your mum, this man isn't worth mourning.