Should I just walk out of here?

[Rayray118]

Okay, long story short I'm a writer who's been offered the exclusive use of a friends apartment abroad so I could spend two weeks writing. I dived on it of course. I've just begun a major project and will be enormously busy with my day job (I have one of those unfortunately!) for the rest of the spring and summer. Aside from weekends this is the only chunk of time I have to focus on this and if I don't get a decent 20,000 words written in these two weeks there's just no point in my being here.

20,000 words is easy going for two weeks and I left it at that as a plan because I wanted to spend a night or two at the weekends with my friend who owns the apartment. She lives about twenty minutes drive from here and lets out this apartment in short lets most of the year but of course in January it's quiet. I had expected, and made very clear, that I need solitude to write. I arrived here on Friday and so far solitude has been no part of this experience.

My friend stayed here Friday, Saturday and Sunday nights. I really wasn't expecting her to stay last night and thought that was pushing it, so I reminded her that as I'd said I need solitude to write. She seemed rather shocked and appalled when I suggested that she come back next weekend and leave me on my own till then. This morning she came up with some bizarre excuse about needing to stay tonight also. To me it's just getting ridiculous at this stage. To clarify, she is not lonely, nor is there any other reason I can see why she'd be so inconsiderate. She knows exactly what I came here to do and why it's so important that I be left alone to do it. She lives twenty minutes away in a very large comfortable home with her husband. She is also in a very happy and loving marriage. It seems to me she's just wilfully oblivious to how important it is to me to be alone to undertake this task, however clear I was about it before I arrived.

I can imagine some people may think I've little to worry about but if I don't get this done in the next ten days I won't get it done before late summer. I am wondering to myself if I should just pack my bags and rent an Air BnB somewhere else while I've still got ten days left? I don't want to do anything to damage my friendship but I cannot say how important or irreplaceable this time is to me. I am also getting increasingly frustrated, another few days and I'll be extremely resentful - honestly this about the most boundary-less behaviour I've experienced in a long time!

Any opinions would be most welcome.

@KnickerBockerAndrew I'm a writer too, and I'm glad you said that, I was thinking I was weird.

If I'm sat on my own, quietly, I'd be either off doing anything but working, or asleep. Luckily my DH works from home too, and he frequently tells me to sit my arse back down and do some work. Biscuit-themed bribery is often in play.

His conference calls pose a challenge if I'm procrastinating and want an excuse for not knuckling down, but I find when I'm in full flow he could conduct a full orchestra next to my desk and bugger all would have an impact.

I'm not a writer but when I was a student I needed to study in a busy bit of the university library, I couldn't get anything done at home on my own. That sort of anonymous bustle is completely different from having someone actually talking to you though, that would completely interrupt my chain of thought.

Oh dear OP.

What a nightmare.

Definitely leave ASAP.

You've been explicit about you're need to write in solitude several times and whatever her motives she's clearly not listening.

You've lost 4 days already and tbh in your place I'd find it hard to get "into the zone" even if she stays away (or says she will) for fear she can/will turn up at any time because her boundaries/understanding are so limited.

I think you'll spend the remaining time fighting her off and ultimately destroying the friendship as your (understandable) resentment builds to boiling point.

I think non-creative people just do not get it - either the need for the house to be silent and empty if you are to really get into the zone, or the emotionally violent reaction of someone who desperately wants/needs to write and cannot. I was expecting peace and quiet last year to write and nearly lost the plot when it was similarly interrupted, with major repercussions.

In your position I would leave.

That sort of anonymous bustle is completely different from having someone actually talking to you though, that would completely interrupt my chain of thought.

Yes, some not-too-obtrusive background noise in a coffee shop is fine. Another person actually in my space and wanting me to interact with them is not fine. And in op's situation I wouldn't make any arrangement to meet for coffee or whatever at a specific time, because that might be just when inspiration is flowing, and you don't want to stop.

Can you find a studio nearby on AirBnB where you can stay for less than flying off?

I'm not a writer but have no difficulty understanding this at all. It's the same need as for studying, writing essays or dissertations.

Especially when you're working with the minimum of time, squeezed from among other responsibilities and need every last minute you've managed to annexe for yourself. Yet some people always view it as 'generous leisure time' that can easily accommodate this phone call or that night out. No it can't.

While I'm sure she must be naive about what writing requires, I think in some way she's deliberately competing for your attention. She wants to prove that she is more important than your relationship with the voices in your head.

She headed out earlier and just sent me a text informing me she'll be on her way back soon.

I hope you responded asking her why, given that you had made it clear several times that you want to be alone?

She thinks she's Aurelia.

Agree background bustle is different from actual interaction.

Every now and again I need that kind of noise to get things flowing.

Pack up OP, I feel your pain.

Sounds like friend wants to spent time with you. Guessing you male and she female. You expected something different to her. Id say not working for you and leave as politely as you can

I completely understand why you need to leave but is it worth one last blunt conversation to salvage the 10 days and the friendship?

Can you save the flight costs and just get an air b n b nearby? And keep its location secret!

I understand because I’m an extrovert who is energised by others and has no problem working in between spaces and other people. Popping in, helpful cups of coffee...
But I’m married to an introverted academic who needs space and silence on a daily basis to function, let alone achieve a decent level of work and research.
So I respect that and remember that what he needs is almost the opposite to me, and I recognise the boundaries.
And he copes with my requirements and needs, even though he doesn’t understand why they are important to me.
Your friend doesn’t understand, isn’t trying to and isn’t respecting what you need to work. I’m pleased you’ve decided to leave before you explode!

I'm not having a go at all, just saying that it's interesting how different writers work differently. My kids are always hounding me when I'm writing, the telly can be on, DP can be watching rugby and trying to explain to me what a scrum is- if I'm in the zone, I don't care.

She sounds horrendous, I hope you manage to find a quiet place to work!

Hope you find somewhere else to go soon. Salvage the friendship at s later date.

LEAVE! LEAVE! LEAVE! LEAVE! LEAVE! LEAVE! LEAVE! LEAVE! LEAVE!

I've RTWT and 2 out of 167 to date think you should stay as is, the vast vasty majority think get out of there, and a handful more think talk to your friend and try and persuade her not to come round. I think the 75% -25% YANBU/YABU numbers don't reflect what people's comments are saying which is why I read them all twice.

I am feeling so so so sorry for you OP. I also wrote and as an introvert I need time to myself like I need air. And it's impossible to get this from my two decades DH who seems like it will never filter through and just won't leave the house when I need him to unless I have a shout at him first. I don't like to shout. I just need SOLITUDE. And if he promises to stay out of the way, I can't relax and write, because I know a cup of tea or a "can I have x" is on the way.

I think it will be the same for you. Even if she fucks off now, you'll be on edge expecting her next weekend. Cut losses, leave.

FWIW I would be cross about this. Sleeping practically at the foot of your bed and never shutting up on your "solitude stay" ! ~she's obviously thoughtless and selfish.

@Butterisbest you are very generous 💐🍸

Tell her in the nicest way that you’re going to leave as you really need time alone, as you originally said, and she obvs wants to stay in that flat. That would make any normal person apologise and leave you to it!

@Weenurse

Thank you, I feel for the op, she was offered a dream time but reality has massively intruded. My accommodation is vacant now and it'd be good to see it being used. I'm in the house 600 yards away.

Id be having stern words by this point.

I'd just go elsewhere and tell her exactly why, such a shame.

Rayray Here's another one who says you should check out, late as it is. Even if she agrees to stay away (but she won't, because she doesn't get it) the mere anxiety that she may turn up at any minute ('Oh, this won't take a moment, I just thought you'd like to try this new wine I found in Lidl, bye, see you on Saturday') - that mere anxiety would be enough to keep me out of the zone, even if she never actually turns up until Saturday as promised. I inherited a little cottage near the rest of my family and although they know I like peace and quiet to write, they do sometimes pop in, 'just for a moment, don't want to interrupt'. I really ought to go somewhere that no one knows me and where I have zero social obligations if I need to concentrate.

Good luck with finishing the project!