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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Should I just walk out of here?

459 replies

Rayray118 · 06/01/2020 16:02

Okay, long story short I'm a writer who's been offered the exclusive use of a friends apartment abroad so I could spend two weeks writing. I dived on it of course. I've just begun a major project and will be enormously busy with my day job (I have one of those unfortunately!) for the rest of the spring and summer. Aside from weekends this is the only chunk of time I have to focus on this and if I don't get a decent 20,000 words written in these two weeks there's just no point in my being here.

20,000 words is easy going for two weeks and I left it at that as a plan because I wanted to spend a night or two at the weekends with my friend who owns the apartment. She lives about twenty minutes drive from here and lets out this apartment in short lets most of the year but of course in January it's quiet. I had expected, and made very clear, that I need solitude to write. I arrived here on Friday and so far solitude has been no part of this experience.

My friend stayed here Friday, Saturday and Sunday nights. I really wasn't expecting her to stay last night and thought that was pushing it, so I reminded her that as I'd said I need solitude to write. She seemed rather shocked and appalled when I suggested that she come back next weekend and leave me on my own till then. This morning she came up with some bizarre excuse about needing to stay tonight also. To me it's just getting ridiculous at this stage. To clarify, she is not lonely, nor is there any other reason I can see why she'd be so inconsiderate. She knows exactly what I came here to do and why it's so important that I be left alone to do it. She lives twenty minutes away in a very large comfortable home with her husband. She is also in a very happy and loving marriage. It seems to me she's just wilfully oblivious to how important it is to me to be alone to undertake this task, however clear I was about it before I arrived.

I can imagine some people may think I've little to worry about but if I don't get this done in the next ten days I won't get it done before late summer. I am wondering to myself if I should just pack my bags and rent an Air BnB somewhere else while I've still got ten days left? I don't want to do anything to damage my friendship but I cannot say how important or irreplaceable this time is to me. I am also getting increasingly frustrated, another few days and I'll be extremely resentful - honestly this about the most boundary-less behaviour I've experienced in a long time!

Any opinions would be most welcome.

OP posts:
Puzzledandpissedoff · 06/01/2020 18:31

Perhaps by telling your friend, you have no choice but to leave, the penny will drop

It's possible in theory, but given the writing time OP's already lost I wouldn't risk it myself ... after all there's every chance the friend could disappear for a spell, then blast back in crying "how did you get on? Are you finished now??"

There's no need for anyone to be rude, which is why I liked the earlier "crossed wires" suggestion, but sometimes firm decisions are needed when there's a deadline to be met

DontCallMeShitley · 06/01/2020 18:34

Get up several times in the night for a pee, fall over her often.
Then find somewhere else and leave.

Rayray118 · 06/01/2020 18:35

@BoomBoomsCousin "For her to stay another night after your conversation last night isn't just obliviousness, it's either deliberate boundary pushing or extreme self-centeredness."

Thank you. This is exactly what's driving me wild. It is boundary-less behaviour at an epic level and the Sunday and Monday it has cost me equates to 4,000/5,000 words.

OP posts:
Chihaha · 06/01/2020 18:41

Oh goodness. Def leave, however I fear your friendship may be unsalvagable.

Vanhi · 06/01/2020 18:43

I'm not sureI'd be particularly keen on staying friends with her without more insight into why she was doing this.

It could be, as pp have suggested, that something has blown up in her life and she really needs to be in the apartment and away from her husband. However, it could just be that she's an extrovert, by which I mean she finds being around other people energising and dislikes being on her own. Extroverts really, really struggle to understand that introverts need them to fuck off out of it to be on their own. They don't get that some people enjoy solitude and need it. They would hate it, think everyone hates it, and then get right in your fucking face.

And breathe. There are very few people I can be around when I need to recharge my batteries, and all of them are introverts who will actually leave me alone even if they're physically nearby.

Rayray118 · 06/01/2020 18:47

@Vanhi Thank you, that's another part of this. She's like the fucking energiser bunny on speed...

OP posts:
Longwhiskers14 · 06/01/2020 18:50

I would try one more time to talk to her, so you don't have to go through the hassle of booking flights or an Airbnb. Just ask her outright - "why are you staying here every night when I made it clear I'm here to work?" If she gets stroppy, leave, if not you might find there is a back story you weren't aware of.

Mummyoflittledragon · 06/01/2020 18:50

Gosh you poor thing. She really is disrespecting needs. Tbh with the way she’s acted I wouldn’t be surprised if you couldn’t care less if she has some kind of issue.

AutumnCrow · 06/01/2020 19:04

So what did you do all day today?

Sit there in front of you laptop saying, 'I need to start writing now'? Or validate her need for company?

Rayray118 · 06/01/2020 19:07

@Mummyoflittledragon I can see why some posters wonder if there isn't some deeper issue, but I know her and I just know there isn't. This woman is in a happy marriage with a great guy (who she's had round here twice since I've been here; they're as happy as they've ever been.)

She headed out earlier and just sent me a text informing me she'll be on her way back soon. She's every intention of staying here tonight and completely disregarding our conversation.

It has been a relief to read the writers who've contributed to this thread. Not everyone can understand that you just need to know someone will intrude on you in an hour or two to frazzle your concentration in every moment between here and then and make the very particular type of concentration necessary to writing utterly impossible.

I'm not going to waste any more time being resentful; I'm just going to have a very early night and get out of here tomorrow.

OP posts:
Longwhiskers14 · 06/01/2020 19:09

You should tell her tonight that you're leaving. Maybe that'll shock her into staying away.

RhiWrites · 06/01/2020 19:15

She’s basically crashed your writing retreat! And she’s manipulated you into it.

I’m afraid your friendship won’t recover from this but she created the problem.

Please do update us on your escape!

sonjadog · 06/01/2020 19:16

I write and I understand how important it is to be able to disappear into your bubble and not be disturbed when writing. It took me years to teach my mother that just popping her head in to offer me a cup of tea or ask if I wanted her to put on some washing was hugely disruptive of my concentration.

I think the best thing to do would be to leave. But do you have to fly somewhere else and waste more days? Could you not go somewhere handier to where you are now?

DragonUdders · 06/01/2020 19:18

Don't tell her where you're going!

WiseUpJanetWeiss · 06/01/2020 19:30

Blimey OP, I’m not a writer but it’s blindingly obvious to me creative juices can’t flow if you’re distracted. I feel annoyed on your behalf.

Grumpelstilskin · 06/01/2020 19:31

She would no longer be a friend after this shitty action. It feels like she is actively trying to sabotage your creative success. Sounds quite fucked up and sadly, you never know but some people deep down harbour some deep resentment and envy over your talent.

BaolFan · 06/01/2020 19:33

God I feel wound up just reading about it. YANBU. Nice of her to offer but shitty to not explain that the loan of the apartment was contingent upon her presence 24/7 for the duration.

MarshaBradyo · 06/01/2020 19:37

What a shame. Reminds me of - there’s no such thing as a free lunch (if you didn’t pay).

Annoying to lose precious time. Leave and try to get back in the zone.

Rayray118 · 06/01/2020 19:38

@Grumpelstilskin Ah no, I really don't think that sort of nastiness is at play. l think she just hasn't got a boundary to her name and refuses to acknowledge other peoples.

@RhiWrites Yes I will update on the escape! Lol

OP posts:
chuck7 · 06/01/2020 19:41

I don’t think someone in a happy relationship opts to sleep away from their husband for nights on end with a friend who repeatedly points out they need space.

As you’ve pointed out this week is pretty much a write off so you may as well enjoy her company for the next day or so and make the most of it and the salvage your second week.

Apolloanddaphne · 06/01/2020 19:46

It seems so odd that she doesn't understand your need for solitude to write. Hope you can salvage some of your time off.

SuddenArborealStop · 06/01/2020 19:53

I wouldn't go booking flights if you're going to go home and find an airbnb, just find a local one and keep your flights, why waste extra time

Pinkyyy · 06/01/2020 19:55

Such a shame it's worked out this way OP, but you're right not to lose anymore time.

Mollychristmas · 06/01/2020 19:57

I’m not a writer, I don’t personally know any writers either but I can appreciate that to write a person would need complete concentration and quiet. I cannot fathom out how your friend doesn’t understand this?

Quite honestly after you having told her before you arrived and after four days of her still completely overstepping boundaries I have to wonder if she is doing it deliberately through jealousy. I cannot think of any other reason she is disregarding everything you have told her.

I could sort of understand her attitude had you not told her you wanted alone time and sprung it on her as soon as you stepped through the door with her thinking you were going as a holiday and social time but you clearly told her what you needed before you even agreed to go! It’s very odd behaviour on her behalf.

I would be gone ASAP, try and salvage what time you can.

Is there an AirBnB nearby? Or a hotel? You wouldn’t need to spend extra time on a flight if you could find something local to where you are.

Dragongirl10 · 06/01/2020 20:02

Op l think you are doing the right thing by leaving....l am not a writer but NEED lots of alone time to feel sane....when l can close my front door and have the rare day to myself l inwardly jump for joy and feel complete peace ( despite having lots of work to do)

I have some friends (and my mother) who just do not get it, they love company and cannot imagine the need to escape people..

You have a target to try and retrieve, hope you find a quiet space fast!

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