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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Do men really still fancy us if we get fatter and older?

99 replies

User9876789 · 05/01/2020 23:41

I’m asking because I once read some statistics that said men fancy their wives for much longer than we fancy our husbands. I’m not physically attracted to my husband any more but he still seems very keen on older, fatter, saggier me. Do you think men really maintain that desire or are they just not very fussy and are grateful for the sex??

OP posts:

AfterSchoolWorry · 06/01/2020 07:16

No.

CelebrityDave · 06/01/2020 07:18

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Coughy4u · 06/01/2020 07:18

Yes though i have gone off men 😂
The older i get the more disgusted i am with them.

Bluntness100 · 06/01/2020 07:19

It's difficult to generalise here, but I'd say both men and women tend to prefer it when a partner maintains a healthy weight, even if they still wish to have sex or are still attracted to them (the two are not always directly correlated). Few think "brilliant my partner got overweight".

Ageing I think is less relevant than weight in this, as both age at the same time, obviously.

Pippa12 · 06/01/2020 07:19

I fancy my DH more than ever, I don’t know if he’s aged well (certainly better than I) or if we get along better now we are older, I find his humour/drive/kindness a massive turn on!

cheeseislife8 · 06/01/2020 07:22

I think it's about the connection more than what you actually look like. Men and women both change as they age, but it seems to me that the couples who are stronger in the first place are affected less.

Grasspigeons · 06/01/2020 07:38

My husbands friend advised him to marry someone a couple of sizes smaller than he normally would fancy so that he would fancy his wife more as time went on. I had a lot of issues with him saying that ! Anyway i am 2 sizes bigger 15 years later- he does seem more into me and im worried he took the advice .

Watermelontea · 06/01/2020 07:41

I don’t think you can limp everyone together, I know a few couples where the attraction has fizzled out as they’re gotten older, though in part that may be due to complacency.

I’m not old, but I’m 10 years older than when I started going out with my now DH, and he says he’s never fancied me more.
I’m about 2 stone heavier and I’ve had 2 children, so I don’t look the same, but I carry my weight pretty well and he seems to like the extra curves.

In the same vein, he’s a few stone heavier and a decade older, and I still look at him and feel exactly the same, he’s gorgeous to me.

Fairylea · 06/01/2020 07:42

I think age and weight has nothing to do with anything unless weight is to the point of being morbidly obese- and even then lots of men fancy women like that! I think it’s more to do with confidence and taking an interest in how you look, not even looking a certain way, just making some sort of effort. Everyone likes someone who likes themselves. It shows.

Straycatstrut · 06/01/2020 07:44

As soon as I got pregnant mine backed way off during and after. I was only 24 and it just killed the spark dead forever. I've never felt attractive since. This was the beginning of the end for us, but we managed to last 5 years after that with basically zero sexual contact. Insane isn't it?!

I'm 30 now and size 10-12 but very short and look a lot bigger/heavier. I'm starting to walk more miles in the day and trying my best to eat less, but I use food and wine as a comfort on the evenings and I am stressed and knackered all the time as a SP - it's the only thing that I enjoy. I never knew how people allowed themselves to get bigger but I REALLY get it now (not saying all SPs do it but it's such an easy trap to fall into).

EnthusiasmIsDisturbed · 06/01/2020 07:45

I don’t get men looking at me anywhere near as much when walking down the street

But yes I am still attractive but not that instant attraction I think this has to do more with biology I am nearing the age of no longer being fertile

In relationships it’s different we can get a bit bored at times regardless of how we look

Straycatstrut · 06/01/2020 07:47

Yes though i have gone off men 😂
The older i get the more disgusted i am with them.

Haha!! Same! especially since coming on here!

It's actually nice to read some posts here about couples who sound really happily into each other.

OneStepSideways · 06/01/2020 08:34

I fancy my DH of 15 years more than ever now he’s in his 40s and bald and has grey in his beard. I love his smell and cuddliness and still feel tingles when he undresses!

I’m a size 12 (used to be an 8) and not as toned as I was pre-kids, but he seems to find me sexier now, he’s always liked women with curves and large bottoms and used to urge me to gain weight 😂

OneStepSideways · 06/01/2020 08:37

Also, if I wear make up and tight clothes I get lots of male attention, I’m 35.

I only wear tight clothes and lipstick mid-cycle (my choice, I prefer baggy dresses the rest of the month) so maybe ovulation/fertility has a lot to do with it.

busybarbara · 06/01/2020 08:40

Do you think men really maintain that desire or are they just not very fussy and are grateful for the sex??

“That desire” and just wanting sex are not necessarily different things. Men work differently. Their desire for sex makes them see things as different to they are.

1300cakes · 06/01/2020 08:45

No I don't think they do, but I think they mostly aren't fussed about their sex partner being someone they are attracted to, if there are no other options.

CherryPavlova · 06/01/2020 08:50

What Fairylea said. It’s about charisma not being a size 6 and 25.
Men get insecurities too. Men sometimes like comfortable, relaxed and loving encounters. I think fancying someone is only an introductory phase to loving someone.
In my upper 50s, if I wanted a new partner, I’m pretty sure I could find one but I’ve never appreciated the catcalling in street type nor those after casual sex.
Mother in law remarried her 80s. Their courtship behaviours made the children squirm.

stouffer · 06/01/2020 09:07

I’m not sure that a person’s weight is necessarily the issue; I’d say it’s more about how it makes them feel. DW’s weight fluctuates and while her appearance makes no difference to me, the was she feels about herself when she is a bit heavier is the real problem. Being around someone who comfort eats because she feels overweight and constantly talks about taking more exercise but doesn’t do it can get a bit grim after a while.

InACheeseAndPickle · 06/01/2020 09:17

I remember reading statistics that in a marriage women become less fussed if they have sex or not any more but still want affection where as men are the other way round. That's obviously a massive generalisation but I do think for many men (my husband included) sex is definitely part of how he expresses love and feels close to me. So I imagine wanting sex is mainly about still loving me rather than just fancying me.

81Byerley · 06/01/2020 09:19

@Cryingoverspilttea You have got it absolutely right!

GinDaddy · 06/01/2020 09:22

"I think many people fancy sex less as they age. It becomes more about a nice shared experience occasionally rather than a regular and frequent activity. I don’t feel that’s to do with being bigger and less attractive as we become older - although that’s certainly the case with me sadly - more because our drives settle and then begin to dissipate as we - men and women - pass the obvious age of active childbearing."

I think this is a great personal insight from you, but it doesn't actually bear relation to the reality for so many men.

I know plenty of men whose drives haven't "settled" past the age of 40. I know plenty of men who haven't "fancied sex less as they've aged".

I think that some people's perception of themselves, and their weight as they get older, means less confidence and less desire, which can lead to effects with their sex lives.

I don't think however there's this lovely exact parity of women desiring sex less, and men also desiring less sex as a result.

I read so many posts of people saying "no thanks, I'd rather have a cup of tea and watch my box set" etc, and I just wonder if they are also making an assumption that surely their DH couldn't want any of that sex nonsense any more, surely?

RuffleCrow · 06/01/2020 09:22

Surely it depends on the man!!

Emeraldshamrock · 06/01/2020 09:22

It depends on the man.
I think most men love their wife regardless of changes, love and sexual attraction is different, they may not say it as they love you though.

Emeraldshamrock · 06/01/2020 09:27

It also depends on weight gain. Two stone can compliment a womans body.
6 stone not so much.
I think it works the similar for both men and women.

speakout · 06/01/2020 09:33

Some men do and some don't. Some men are turned on by younger, slimmer women and some men prefer women their own age. It's the same with women. I used to be attracted to men in their 20s but now I have no sexual interest in that age group at all.

That's a good insight.

Yes I am no longer attracted to men in their 20s- I used to be when I was that age, but I find men my own age more appealing and sexy.

I remember chatting to a friend of my DS a few weeks ago- a very good looking 21 yo, charming witty, a lovely character, and thinking that very thought. In my 20s I would have been attracted to him sexually, but not now- I can appreciate that he is a good looking engaging young man, but don't feel that flutter that I would have felt at 20.
I do however see attractive men in their 50s and feel the flutter!!

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