To think 'you're welcome anytime' isn't an actual invite

[StrawberryDreamX]

If someone said to you 'you're welcome to visit anytime' would you take this as an open invitation to visit whenever you're free? In my experience this sort of invite comes from people I don't know too well or haven't spent a lot of time with. I prefer to make actual plans of doing something on a set date at a specific time. As a result I rarely actually visit anyone who says this. I would never turn up at someone's door without calling before hand or essentially phoning and asking to go to someone's house, unless they were a close friend. How do you respond to you're welcome any time from people you don't know too well/haven't spent a lot of time with?
Aibu in thinking 'you're welcome anytime' isn't an actual invite?

It's something people say to soften a goodbye Completely agree

@5LeafClover We live relatively close to each other, about a 20 minute walk, I drove though avoid it unless necessary. She is retired, I am on Mat leave. Neither of us have particularly busy schedules, she knows I'm in the house most days. I definitely think she is saying it out of politeness rather than actually wanting me to visit or I'd hear from her more often.

I was once with some people who barged in on some of their relatives unexpectedly and obviously inconveniently.
I was so embarrassed and annoyed to be implicated in such behaviour. I'd never met them before, only the one who took me.
I had been invited by this one to attend a party in her honour at another relative's house. once there, I felt uncomfortable, there was v little I could eat, didn't want to cause a fuss, and the hosts didn't seen to care or notice that I was hungry. a large all-in pasta meat dish was served to great ooh, and aahs. I don't eat meat. I tried to alert the person I came with that there might be a problem, but she was dismissive, talking down to me as if I was a small child, that they always make plenty of vegetables. I said I don't think so. she said I was being silly. there were no vegetables, at all. I got a few lettuce leaves, half a tomato and had to beg for perhaps some cheese, got enough grated to put in a sandwich, but no bread. the pudding was good and hearty. everyone got seconds except me. none left.
the event went on far too long, I was expected to ride back with the person who brought me.
then a relative from overseas arrived. was given food. I got nothing, still hungry. this overseas person wanted to go see other relatives. arrived after 9pm, unannounced. they were in pyjamas, said had just gone to bed as leaving v early next morning driving far holiday. these people I was with still came in, tea etc had to be made, talking. I felt v awkward. should have left, got bus back, but felt that also would be rude. I felt snookered. starved, uncared for by first lot where I was invited. then found myself part of invasion on second lot who were much more friendly, but mightily imposed upon, and not my doing.

I mostly stay by myself now.
I do like people, but ...
I miss those I have lost. seem to have lost how to relate as an equal.

Ah right. In that case I think it's a come if you want to come but don't feel obligated kind of invitation....the kind of thing that could grow into a nice friendship but no harm done if it's not for you. I think she might not feel able to do much more in terms of coffee contacting you more often because you are younger and might not want to make friends out of your age group.

Is it your first baby? Is your dh trying to organize your mat leave for you by persuading you to visit her?

an old friend... wrote in an email you're welcome to come over xmas day or later if you're free... I turned up... about 6.30pm xmas day. she opened door and first thing she said was , oh didn't know you were coming, which stung a bit. I didn't remind her she had invited me 3 days before in email. she then questioned me on how id spent the earlier part of the day... she said I should have come to them for dinner/earlier.

This sounds like a miscommunication @alexdgr8 . I think she expected you to reply and confirm your attendance at the lunch instead of showing up at a random time and she was confused why you’d spent the day alone when you’d have been welcome to join them.

@5LeafClover 2nd baby and yes he is, how did you guess? I have went round for coffee on the few occasions she has phoned and invited me. However I think she is just being polite when I see her at the shops and she says you're welcome anytime/pop in when you're free. DS was not mobile the few times we were invited. He is now crawling, trying to walk, climbs on everything and her house is not child friendly. I suspect if she wanted us to visit she'd call and ask like she has previously.

I say this - to me it means I really want to see you but would expect us to confirm dates/times first - it doesn’t literally mean come over whenever you feel like it without any notice.

For the lady, I would ring and invite her back if you can. Or ( and no judgement here bcos 2nd baby house stress is a real thing) if you can't face inviting her round, maybe offer to buy her coffee in a coffee shop. After that, you've taken your turn and can leave it to see if she comes back to you . Or if you can't face it at all then just leave it for the time being I'm sure it will be fine.

For your dh, I guessed because I recognized it.

@5LeafClover I have a few times but she came once and said the walk was too much for her and hasn't been back. Again this was when Ds was a newborn. I think she really only wanted to see him when he was a tiny baby.

it's the sort of thing i say when I'm saying goodbye because I'm horrible at being sociable/'normal' and i DO NOT mean it.

Hmm. Trust your instincts then. Maybe ring her to arrange to go over briefly with your dh ( since he's so keen) and a good excuse to keep it short if needed.

Ps hopefully this is the only place where your dh is trying to be the boss of you in your mat leave. If not, or if things get suddenly worse to coincide with the new baby (or in the future) post on relationships. Take care. 5LC

If I had called and invited someone over multiple times, and they never arranged to meet up with me even after I said to pop over any time, I would think that they didn't like me.

I wouldn't expect one person to keep initiating the meeting up?

@Nacreous I invited her round after being at hers a few times. She had a cup of coffee and left shortly after, she never phoned again. I might suggest visiting her with Ds before going back to work.