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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think 'you're welcome anytime' isn't an actual invite

87 replies

StrawberryDreamX · 05/01/2020 15:21

If someone said to you 'you're welcome to visit anytime' would you take this as an open invitation to visit whenever you're free? In my experience this sort of invite comes from people I don't know too well or haven't spent a lot of time with. I prefer to make actual plans of doing something on a set date at a specific time. As a result I rarely actually visit anyone who says this. I would never turn up at someone's door without calling before hand or essentially phoning and asking to go to someone's house, unless they were a close friend. How do you respond to you're welcome any time from people you don't know too well/haven't spent a lot of time with?
Aibu in thinking 'you're welcome anytime' isn't an actual invite?

OP posts:
NewYearNewTwatName · 05/01/2020 16:10

coldbrewaddict

Then somethings have been lost in translation. I've only ever known people who say it to actual mean it.

As HolyMilkBoobiesBatman said it is only usually issued to people you feel comfortable with and who won't judge you and the state of your house.

coldbrewaddict · 05/01/2020 16:13

NewYearNewTwatName

I've had the opposite experience unfortunately. I've heard (and said) so many 'we should catch up sometime' only to never hear from or speak to said person again so clearly I'm guilty of perpetuating what I hate! Maybe it's time for me to change that. Grin

Lipz · 05/01/2020 16:14

I have a habit of saying this. I need to get out of this habit. The words do be out of my mouth before I realise what I've said. Thankfully most people know it's politeness or that it means to make plans in the near future. Except for dhs family, they arrived in the next couple of days with overnight bags.

NewYearNewTwatName · 05/01/2020 16:17

we should catch up sometime is a completely different sentence and I agree is a politeness, that can be said with 50 50 genuine intent.

museumum · 05/01/2020 16:21

The only people who say this to me live in different cities. I’d probably get in touch if I was going to be in the area with an offer to meet up on a specific date but say obviously no problem if they’re busy.

coldbrewaddict · 05/01/2020 16:24

we should catch up sometime is a completely different sentence and I agree is a politeness, that can be said with 50 50 genuine intent.

The two mean the same to me. IME I, alongside people I've encountered, use 'you're welcome anytime' when talking to someone new to the neighbourhood or when finding out where the new student from say, yoga class, lives. 'We should catch up sometime' is for all other preexisting acquaintances.

AnnaMagnani · 05/01/2020 16:27

I would hear it as 'I'd like to meet you again so if you feel the same, arrange a time that is mutually convenient to both of us'

Not 'Pop in tomorrow on your way back from Tesco'

Original poster
StrawberryDreamX · 05/01/2020 16:34

The person has said it on a few occasions. I have young children and it's a hassle getting us all ready, plus their house isn't child friendly. Think I will refrain from visiting unless actually invited on a specific day in the near future. Eg if said person text today and said I'm free on Wednesday, do you want to come round for a coffee?

We should catch up sometime I would say falls into the category of 'empty words for the sake of it'

OP posts:
NCasIknowMNetters · 05/01/2020 16:37

In general it's a social construct to mean - i would like to see you again sometime. Call and arrange it though.

I have, maybe 5 friends who when I say it I mean - just knock on my door, you are welcome absolutely whenever, even if I need to go and have a shower and change out my PJs mid-afternoon, Make yourself a cup of tea and one for me, I'll be under 5 mins. 3 of those friends even live in the same town and might...

Elieza · 05/01/2020 16:39

It’s an open invite but I’m sure they don’t mean just turn up without checking we are in/it’s convenient first.

I’d be most pissed off if someone turned up now for example. I’m in the middle of cleaning the carpets.

Everything is piled up off the floor (side tables, footstools, the cat) and the carpets are damp and the heating is on full bung to dry them. Consequently I am in my underwear sweating like a pig in the heat running back and forth to the kitchen with clean and dirty water containers dripping in the kitchen floor.

Not my most attractive look. Like something out if Bridget Jones. Would be mortified if joe bloggs and his wife I met on holiday in Ibiza ten years ago turned up now with a bottle for a catch up.....
Grin

Yetanotherwinter · 05/01/2020 16:41

I wouldn’t take that as an invite. It’s a generic social term. A bit like “how are you” and “see you soon”.

Writersblock2 · 05/01/2020 16:44

My MIL got a bit shitty with us when we got our own house because, I quote, “you won’t let me just turn up, I fee I have to make an appointment to see you.”

Yes, you bloody do, along with the rest of the world! I wouldn’t dream of showing up at someone’s house unannounced.

NCasIknowMNetters · 05/01/2020 16:45

I do have a modest level of social anxiety and have been know to dive on the floor and tuck under the sofa when people have just turned up.

They were in-law family I'm now NC with complete lack of boundaries, awareness, tact, empathy and I'd been cleaning full time for a week before their visits for years (and even then there would be a toy, or a bag out of place and it would get commented on). Heaven help me if a single ornament hadn't been polished to perfection. DH used to get the brasso out the day before a visit.

hiphiphoorayback · 05/01/2020 16:48

I think it means. I like and respect you and if our paths cross your company is very welcome but it doesn't mean drop by my house ever unannounced.

I did do this when I moved house my neighbour said "Drop round for a coffee anytime." She would repeat this when ever I saw her - so I did! I knocked on her door and she called down from her bedroom window. " Oh it's you. I thought it was my friend." Awkward silence then I mumbled something about a coffee and she waved me off with a yes we will have to catch-up soon. Grin

CleansUpDragonPoo · 05/01/2020 16:52

When I say this I mean

“if you push it I probably won’t barricade the door on your arrival but i’d actually rather plier my own teeth out than make you a cup of tea”

@ShoesCoatBag then why say it? How horrible to think an invitation's been extended, albeit not a specific date and time sort of invitation, when actually someone like you really doesn't want the invited person near them.

Just be honest, please!

GoGoLego · 05/01/2020 16:53

It means say a friend lives in another part of the country and you don't see very often. But if they are in the area of where you live for whatever reason. Then please let us know and it would be lovely for you to swing by for a cuppa tea or whatever.

schoolcats · 05/01/2020 16:54

I'm mortified, clearly I should not have taken it at face value at all.

CleansUpDragonPoo · 05/01/2020 16:54

"In general it's a social construct to mean - i would like to see you again sometime. Call and arrange it though."

@NCasIknowMNetters, I agree, this is how most people understand it. and use it.

blubelle7 · 05/01/2020 16:54

If I say it to you, I actually mean it...will even let you know where the spare keys are in case I'm not home when you do arrive. I therefore don't say it to many people or say it often.

ToastyFingers · 05/01/2020 16:55

I say this. I genuinely mean it. A text half hour in advance would be perfect but I don't mind if they call in for a cuppa unexpectedly either.

SparkleBead · 05/01/2020 17:01

It's a turn of phrase by which I think most would mean "You're a welcome kind of guest as opposed to an unwelcome one".

It doesn't mean "drop in anytime without prior warning". IMHO. It's not actually literal.

ChicCroissant · 05/01/2020 17:02

That is the invite from a person that says that though OP - if you are waiting for another text that says 'Wednesday' it's not going to happen. You've been invited. You can text first if that makes you feel more comfortable and suggest a day.

PigletJohn · 05/01/2020 17:05

Depends if you are Australian.

ChristmasConcert · 05/01/2020 17:06

'Must catch up sometime' is definitely woolly - but if someone says 'pop in anytime' I would think they meant it. Personally I'd probably text beforehand unless it was a real spur of the moment thing but I'd happily knock on someone's door - if they aren't there or it's not convenient they could say. Equally - if neighbours pop round with the local magazine or some clothes for the children etc - I will say - 'come in for a cuppa' if I'm free - or 'sorry I can't offer you a cuppa, I'm doing x' if I'm busy. Then they either do or don't depending on what their plans are. It's not a big deal unless someone turns up on your doorstep a lot....Grin!

With close friends I'd never think twice.

JessJonesJumps · 05/01/2020 17:09

They're not leaving it to you to make the plans. They're leaving it to you to tell them when you're available. I think it is an invite but it's the bones of an invite, you need to put the flesh on it with your actual preferences/availability.