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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To want to reconnect with a friend?

51 replies

leostar1994 · 05/01/2020 09:35

I had been friends with her for 7 years and during this time we would do everything together as a group of three - nights out, lunch dates, girly nights in, yoga, etc.

During this time, she got engaged to her long term boyfriend. I was really happy for her obviously. This was a couple of years ago.

When it came to her planning the wedding, they booked a venue quite quickly after getting engaged and she had been sending us photos of everything as it was going along. Anyway, I get a message from her that basically says that she's chosen bridesmaids and that I won't be one of them due to only being able to have a certain number. She did let me know that she had chosen our other best friend (from our group of three). My initial reaction was to feel hurt and excluded. I didn't react well at the time and did say things I regret in the heat of the moment. I was most hurt by her insinuation that she still wanted me to help her plan the wedding without being in the wedding party. I helped organise events at the time as part of my job and so felt this also took the mick a bit. She told me that she still wanted me at the wedding but that I wouldn't obviously be sitting with my other friend as she was a bridesmaid and they would be on their own table.

I sent flowers to apologise for the reaction at the time but my friend did not want to hear it and cut ties with me. I subsequently didn't get invited to the wedding and we haven't spoken since.

Although I don't think I could ever really get over this myself (as I think I learned that I valued our friendship more than she valued it), I still want to try and reconnect with her. I would want to just move forward.

AIBU to do this or to think that she would be open to it? I'd understand if there is too much water under the bridge but I feel like we did have good times together and it would be a shame to not try.

Reading this back it sounds like a plot line in the Real Housewives!!

OP posts:
Dogsaremyfavorite · 05/01/2020 09:56

I would say move on. Too much water under the bridge and let her go. I think she sounds like she wanted you to help and be a part of it, without officially having you a part of her wedding party. Which is fine but she showed her self. And you felt the way you felt and reacted and tried to make right but she wouldn’t have any of it. Focus on people, friends and relationships where value is mutual.

Original poster
leostar1994 · 05/01/2020 10:20

@Dogsaremyfavorite I felt like that for a while but I do miss her. Is there any harm in me sending a message just saying hi and that her wedding photos look nice?

She did keep me on Facebook all this time, for whatever reason.

OP posts:
supadupapupascupa · 05/01/2020 10:23

I wouldn't. It makes you look desperate for friends. Being uninvited is a very strong signal.

Joker123 · 05/01/2020 10:23

Hopefully she’s not so spiteful now she’s 7 years older.
I wouldn’t personally, but if you feel you want to reach out then do it and see what happens.

fedup21 · 05/01/2020 10:25

I didn't react well at the time and did say things I regret in the heat of the moment.

What did you say?

Millipedewithherfeetup · 05/01/2020 10:27

Life is short...send a message and say you miss her she may be feeling the same. If you can reconnect then great if not then at least you tried and you won't be sitting wondering what if. Good luck and hope it works out for you.

Original poster
leostar1994 · 05/01/2020 10:38

@fedup21 I don't want to go into the exact comments (from memory) in case someone can identify who I am. Essentially though, I said that I was hurt because two of the people she chose were new friends of less than a year and I was upset that she would pick them over me.

OP posts:
StillCoughingandLaughing · 05/01/2020 10:49

It depends on how you think you’ll feel if she doesn’t reply (or does, but it’s not what you want to hear). Will you be able to move on, or will it upset you all over again?

Thornhill58 · 05/01/2020 12:29

It's hard to know what to do because you miss her but at the same time she was very insensitive to you.
If you are not afraid of another possible rejection get in touch.
Only make contact if you feel strong enough about a positive outcome.
Maybe ask the other friend for advice?

Kalifa · 05/01/2020 12:37

Personally I’d rather sleep in the sewers with rats than trying to reconnect with someone like her.

ohfourfoxache · 05/01/2020 12:43

I suspect you’re viewing the friendship through rose tinted glasses. She doesn’t sound very nice Sad

Pogmella · 05/01/2020 12:45

I’d leave it. You’ve already apologised once and she knows where you are. She won’t have changed so you’ll just get hurt again in future.

Butterfly98 · 05/01/2020 12:54

@leostar1994 I'd let her go tbh with you. Yes maybe you said things you shouldn't have but so what! We all say things in the heat of the moment. Surly a long standing friend would understand you feeling hurt and excluded! Did she ever explain properly why she didn't ask you instead of new friends of only a year? You deserved an explanation. It's hard to say this but I think you need to hear it. She wanted you to help organise things for wedding because you were useful to her because of your job. She only kept you as a friend Facebook to show what a good wedding she had etc especially as you weren't invited, making you feel more excluded, almost goading. Why else keep someone as a FB only and not bother with them in RL? You can do so much better and should delete her from your life totally. Don't look like you need her because you don't!

OneDay10 · 05/01/2020 12:57

It tells her you are desperate for her friendship after she did a really shitty thing to you.
leave her be, she isnt a friend to you.

Letsallscreamatthesistene · 05/01/2020 12:58

How long ago was all this? If it was a short time ago i'd leave it for now, she may be still angry. If it was ages ago id try again, enough time may have passed that she see's things differently.

brassbrass · 05/01/2020 13:00

Let it go. She didn't value you as a friend but valued what you could do for her wedding. She sounds like a user and you were right to call her out on it.

theoriginalmadambee · 05/01/2020 13:05

Please don't do this. If people treat you badly (and she very much did) don't go asking for more.

What you are missing and thinking about was seven years ago. You will both be somewhere else in your lives, sorry but it will never be as you remember it.

Don't let people walk over you, try making new and better friends 💐.

theoriginalmadambee · 05/01/2020 13:06

Sorry not seven - a couple, but doesn't change my opinion Smile.

billy1966 · 05/01/2020 13:30

Move on OP.

Nothing to be gained chasing after someone who isn't bothered with you.

WhentheRabbitsWentWild · 05/01/2020 13:35

Up to you OP but perhaps you could put tentative links out ?

I just messaged my teenage best friend (from my happiest years) and she rang me . We are meeting up in the week :)
Its worth a try if you think something there is worth saving
Best of Luck .

CloudsCanLookLikeSheep · 05/01/2020 13:55

I fell out with a friend of 15 years standing last year, felt she never made any effort and it was all one sided.
We didn't speak for 6 months, I dint know why but I felt compelled to send her a happy new year message.

She replied and we exchanged pleasantries but it hasn't gone any further. I suppose the next logical step would be to suggest meeting up, but something is stopping me. It didn't work before do why should it now. It will just end up one sided again and ne resentful.

I'm coming to the conclusion that it isn't meant to be, and to move on, but I dont regret reaching out to say hi and leaving things on a pleasant note.

CakeandCustard28 · 05/01/2020 14:00

I’d move on OP. You’ve already apologised, what more is there to say to her? She doesn’t sound like a great friend either wanting to use you but happy to exclude you.

overnightangel · 05/01/2020 14:03

She sounds like a twat who took advantage of you , just leave her to her life and hope that she gets a big dose of karma that you can smugly laugh at from afar one day

SleepingStandingUp · 05/01/2020 14:27

Well she's getting all the slating here but if she'd have posted at the time she'd have been told her wedding, herchocie and if her friend wasn't happy tough, the friend was being childish etc so I think there's too little to call it fairly.

OP send her a message. She'll reply or she won't, and you have to be prepared for that. Bit of you dint try you'll always wonder.

Original poster
leostar1994 · 05/01/2020 15:29

I feel like it's worth a try. She basically at the time said that she had felt that I had put a downer on what should be the most exciting time of her life. Apparently her family also actively disliked me at the time because I couldn't "just accept that I hadn't been asked". She said it was also because of their feelings that we couldn't be friends at the time.

I wouldn't seek to have the same level of friendship with her as we had before, but it would feel nice to not feel like I'm at odds with her as we never really had closure on it all. It would be nice just to move forward on this basis.

I do see what you are all saying though regarding her not being a good friend to me. I felt the same at the time. I actually reached out to her right at the beginning of our friendship and brought her into our extended circle. I did this as she had a huge fallout with her best friend at the time as her best friend didn't like the boyfriend she was with. They were always together in a pair so I thought that she could use some extra people to cheer her up (as I can't stand anyone being on their own). Up until that point I had never had an argument with her and we had always been really supportive of each other so I was really taken aback when this all happened. There was a lot of food there but as you say, if she's not interested in reconciling, then that says more about her than it does me.

OP posts:
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