To want to reconnect with a friend?

[leostar1994]

I had been friends with her for 7 years and during this time we would do everything together as a group of three - nights out, lunch dates, girly nights in, yoga, etc.

During this time, she got engaged to her long term boyfriend. I was really happy for her obviously. This was a couple of years ago.

When it came to her planning the wedding, they booked a venue quite quickly after getting engaged and she had been sending us photos of everything as it was going along. Anyway, I get a message from her that basically says that she's chosen bridesmaids and that I won't be one of them due to only being able to have a certain number. She did let me know that she had chosen our other best friend (from our group of three). My initial reaction was to feel hurt and excluded. I didn't react well at the time and did say things I regret in the heat of the moment. I was most hurt by her insinuation that she still wanted me to help her plan the wedding without being in the wedding party. I helped organise events at the time as part of my job and so felt this also took the mick a bit. She told me that she still wanted me at the wedding but that I wouldn't obviously be sitting with my other friend as she was a bridesmaid and they would be on their own table.

I sent flowers to apologise for the reaction at the time but my friend did not want to hear it and cut ties with me. I subsequently didn't get invited to the wedding and we haven't spoken since.

Although I don't think I could ever really get over this myself (as I think I learned that I valued our friendship more than she valued it), I still want to try and reconnect with her. I would want to just move forward.

AIBU to do this or to think that she would be open to it? I'd understand if there is too much water under the bridge but I feel like we did have good times together and it would be a shame to not try.

Reading this back it sounds like a plot line in the Real Housewives!!

*good

No. Life moves forward not back

At least you might be able to get closure if you tried to contact her again. It sounds like you are a very considerate person and this person should have treated you better.

Friendships are tough. People become a big part of your life but they dont always remain that way. It can be hard to accept because of shared memories etc but life goes on and you will make new friends and continue to strengthen the friendships you do have with people who do care for you and treat you well. It can feel like a break up. I am going through it at the moment with a person I have known for 20 years who seems to have started to ghost me. Hard but as I said life goes.

Sorry maybe I am really insensitive but I don’t see what she did as meaning she is a bad friend...

I can understand why you had your nose put out of joint a bit but why does everyone get so hung up on the bridesmaids thing? I have never really got why this is such a huge deal. There’s a limit to the number of people who can be bridesmaids and she had to draw the line somewhere. Is it really such a rejection of the friendship?

I personally would message her - nothing ventured nothing gained. I don’t get this mindset that suggests friendship can’t recover from an argument.

That said I would be prepared for the fact she may not reciprocate and accept it if she doesn’t.

What do you think her real reason was for not choosing you as a bridesmaid? Is it possibly you thought you were closer than she did?

@AnneLovesGilbert I do think it ultimately showed that I valued our friendship more than she did.

I never got a proper reason. She was limiting her bridesmaid numbers to the same number of groomsmen. She chose her brother's fiancé, our other best friend and then two new friends that she had known less than a year.

I wouldn't. She sounds awful.

No, I wouldn’t. She told you what she thought of your friendship when she didn’t pick you as a bridesmaid. I don’t believe her family were the reason for her cutting ties and I think she used that as an excuse.

I never got a proper reason

Is that really why you want to reconnect? In the hope that there was some acceptable excuse for treating you badly? If so, I think you will be disappointed.

Having seen your update I don’t think there is a future for your friendship. However you might get some closure if you sent her a message along the lines of ‘ Hi, just seen something that reminded me of you and thought I would say hello and how are things with you? .’ She will either reply pleasantly in which case it will be less awkward when you bump into her or ignore you in which case you know for certain she is a cunt and will be grateful that you missed a bullet.

I wouldn't. If anything, she should be the one trying to mend bridges.

Sorry if this is intrusive but is there any reason she didn't ask you in case you were either too beautiful for the wedding photos and would outshine her or she thought you were not photogenic enough. It could be such a shallow reason, which would stop me wanting to get back in touch.

What reason did she give at the time? You must have been really hurt with such a decision and no logical explanation put forward. Were you pregnant for example or TTC? Could have been down to a bridezilla reason.

I think she knew she hadn't behaved well to you (because, like it or not - and tbh it's not something that would bother me - being a bridesmaid/in the 'wedding party' is an accordance of closeness status) and her overreaction in cutting you off was projecting that back onto you - making out she was actually the wronged one so she didn't have to engage with your understandable hurt. OP, it does sound as if you thought/think more of her than she did of you, and contacting her would set you up for further hurt. I would remove her from your social media and move on IIWY.

I was n a similar situation a number of years ago. I chose not to attend the wedding myself. Tbh I wouldn't she sounds like she didn't value your friendship at all. What happened the other best friend? We grieve a lost friendship and rose tinted glasses are great but it sounds like she would make you feel worse about it when personally I think she seems to be the one with the issues. Take a breath and move on its OK to miss the friendship and move on, we often outgrow people for many reasons.

She sounds unpleasant.

She DID exclude you, took advantage (or tried to) of your job and connections for wedding planning, consistently ‘othered’ you (different table etc) - what’s to miss?

I suspect if you look properly at your friendship you’ll see it was quite one-sided and that she’s not very nice.

I say go for it. It will hurt if she isn’t interested, but if you are ready for that possible outcome do it. It’s better to know if there is possible friendship rather than keep wondering.
Good luck with whatever you decide to do

@annielouise She never really gave a proper reason at the time. Just that "she wanted to cover all the aspects of her life" with the people that she chose and as we were three school friends, that's how she chose our other friend over me, instead of having us both. She also said she was having to work with a certain amount of numbers as she was having the same number of bridesmaids as groomsmen. I don't really feel like thats a proper reason.

@annielouise My Mum and some other friends that didn't know her as well tried to joke around with me that it was because I'm slimmer and more into fashion etc but I don't think that can really be it...can it?! That would be really shallow.

Are you nuts ?
When someone shows you who they are - believe them.
I learned that on Mumsnet.

She chose two new friends over you.
She didn't want you. Harsh i know !
She said her family didn't want you in the wedding party.

She isn't a friend.
A real friend wouldn't do what she did.

@Tootyfruityfoo I'm still really good friends with the other best friend and see her regularly. She socialises with each of us separately. I think she used to feel a bit caught in the middle but not anymore as enough time has passed.

I can't understand what good could come of this. She treated you badly. She could have as many bridesmaids as she wanted. There's no law on it. She left you out then uninvited you when you (understandably) acted emotionally. Then she started a mob thing of claiming her family were cross with you.
Even in the unlikely event that she welcomes the contact, what happened will always sour things.
I suspect most likely outcome is she'll want you to admit you were completely unreasonable (which if you contact her first could be seen as tantamount to admitting that), she'll treat you like you're desperate for her friendship and she won't maintain the friendship.
She doesn't sound at all nice. You sound nice and like you have other good friends. I think you've ended up feeling guilty and want to put it right but it wasn't your fault.

A d the other friend doesn’t find this weird?

Oh, leave her alone. It was an awkward wedding-type situation and it’s over now. Neither of you comes out of it well!

Hi OP. This woman sounds like a bit of an arsehole to be honest, and not a very nice friend. Unless there is some huge back story where you ran her grandmother over with a lawnmower, or something equally as rubbish, it sounds like you have had a lucky escape and don't need that negativity in your life.

You're giving your ex friend far too much credit. Leaving you out of bridesmaid duties was a shitty thing to do. No-one with any ounce of decency would actually have the brass neck to do that to a best friend.

I suspect she didn't really like you at all and used shitty treatment to provoke your (understandably) hurt reaction so she could twist it back on you being the cause of the fall out.

Some people are truly dishonest, selfish and manipulative. She definitely sounds like one of them.

You sound very innocent, the wool hasn't yet fallen from your eyes. DON'T chase her. Don't contact her and if you see her just look the other way and cross the road. She's absolutely not worth your friendship.

Is she still in cole co fact with the two “new friends”. How has that friendship worked out?