AIBU to let my 8 year old wax her legs?

[ReverieMe]

NC for this as I am totally surprised by my post as it feels slightly insane ..

My 8 year old daughter is happy and confident. She’s already very sporty, plays lots of sports her school consider ‘boys sports’, not got a ‘best friend’ at school but never seems lonely. At parents evening, teacher says that she plays well with everyone but doesn’t need friend validation. (Feel like this is relevant as she’s not one to listen to ‘peer pressure’ as such.)

Anyway, recently she has mentioned a few times how embarrassed she feels about her hairy legs (they are, admittedly, very hairy). She is desperate to get rid of the hairs and it’s making her feel so worried about the summer and wearing short socks as she ‘hates the way they look’. She’s so upset. Very out of character.

My initial, feminist, why should kids feel these ridiculous patriarchal body image standards, reaction was to talk to her about how we are all different, to think about the amazing things her legs can do like run and jump etc etc. But. Months of that chat and she still feels the same.

So I turn to Mumsnet and a search and a similar thread a couple of years ago and almost every reply says let the daughter in question shave the legs.

I am totally torn, surely if I’m teaching her about body autonomy, this is her choice?! Why should she feel crap about her hair as frankly, I’m not sure it’s my job to single handily fight the good fight in favour of not wanting to remove body hair as I shave mine and have done since I was about 11!

Please help my quandary oh Mumsnet wise people.

YABU - don’t let her get rid of the hair
YANBU - let her get rid of the hair

My daughter is the same. Beautiful little hairy monkey and was from birth. Legs especially. She also name calling for monobrow around 8 as well as legs - that’s even trickier as pulling them out is the only way! I agree with others that you should facilitate HER choice - doesn’t matter if it’s based on cultural expectations because that is the culture in which she lives and which is making her self conscious.

My only caveat is to leave her a week or two after starting a genuine constructive dialogue with her about it. This comes up periodically for my 10 year old dd when kids mention it at school. At 8 two girls were really mean to her about it and (shoot me) I had a very gentle word about body shaming with the two mums. They sorted it, the teasing stopped and she was then fine for ages. So maybe get school to have a PHSE session on our physical differences - subtly - by way of education to see if that helps her body image in the short term? It’s on the curriculum loosely anyway I think so they can just tailor it up (links in to equalities stuff like race and sex discrim - you’re hairy, you’re skins a funny colour, etc - so they will be bothered). I knew the parents of the teasers well so went straight to the horses mouth but if I hadn’t I would have told school instead. Worth a try because pointing out someone is fat/hairy/thin/ginger/big nosed/different skin toned etc is rude and they do need to be taught that as it doesn’t come naturally to most.

I’d do the veet or ladyshave too. I get terrible ingrowing from waxing and it does bloody hurt. At 8 I reckon she’d get to one pull and back out which wouldn’t be good for her self esteem.

My dd is now ten and her monobrow came up this holiday after a friend mentioned it whilst skating (I heard it, I was so cross as knew it would reignite the worry). She was in floods the next day having dissected herself in the mirror - she is beautiful and it makes me so sad that she only sees the hair between her brows. For her, the dialogue and the understanding is all important - her worries are valid and heard. So I’ve said, if she still wants me to in a couple of weeks, I’ll help her thin out the hair between her brows gradually so people don’t notice the change (she was worried about that too). But I also did the ‘look really closely at my face in the mirror - what do you see?’ - cue lines, spots, uneven skin etc. Then I pulled the mirror away to a distance and smiled and said ‘what do you see now?’. Just your smiley mum - who you love - not the flaws. Then I got her to do it. She totally got it - if you look at anything that closely you’ll see flaws. Pull out to the full picture and what you see is you and that’s beautiful.

I also Talked about other people’s physical flaws and said ‘do you notice them?’. She doesn’t. So a chat then about why other people might notice and mention differences - some because they are insecure, others to be deliberately mean (as the teasing at school had been) and accidental (kids noticing the differences and not being savvy enough to keep quiet). We then talked about how she could deal with each scenario better in future (comedy retorts, sticks and stones, or simply a ‘buzz off’ and ignore approach that for some of her teasers would work best to be honest, as it’s my dd’s insecurity that they are trying to create etc)

We all home in on our physical weakness but, as well as allowing her autonomy to choose whether to remove hair, I want to also empower my DD to let those comments fly off her and be confident enough to say ‘I don’t care’ (even when she does). So I think I’d start a more general dialogue With your dd too about body image, choice and people saying mean things. And definitely engage the school too as it’s the perfect age for this kind of nasty behaviour to be nipped in the bud. But, ultimately, I’d say ‘your body, your choice. Think about it for a few weeks to make sure this isn’t a knee jerk reaction, let’s discuss options and then you can decide what you want to do’. For my DD, it was knowing she had options which helped her to cope. My intervention with the parents stopped the nasty comments for two years which was great. Now, at ten, I’m happier for her to remove hair than 8 when the issue first arose. but the parenting is around so much more than just pulling out hair.

Best of luck OP. Your daughter is very lucky you are taking her worries so seriously.

I'm also for but totally get your dilemma
I think it's really important to explain to her the diff methods and their drawbacks but also make sure she understands that whatever she does the hair will come back.
Once I had explained that to my daughter at 11, she was like: oh forget it then and was happier to stay hairy than go through the agro

Shocked at amount of posters who think it's ok.

8 is really young to go down this route IMO

Depends how hairy your child is tbh. Dd started shaving around age 11 but I can imagine some children have darker and thicker body hair before that

My Mum wouldn’t let me shave (I had really hairy legs) and when I was 13 I did them myself with a plastic lady bic I would suggest a battery operated shaver or the mitts from Boots as a safe way to remove hair. If she wants to shave, I’ve been using Wilkinson Sword ‘Intuition’ (which have the soap attached) for years and I’ve never cut myself with them.

I would let her. And as someone up thread said about " can't imagine 8 year olds noticing" you must be kidding! I still remember at primary school having some new fancy ankle socks and feeling proud.. Until a crowd of boys came round jeering about my hairy legs.. I had fair hair but my body hair was black and thick. And a friend running her hand down the top of my leg in pe and saying "furry". I'm 50 now and yes still remember it clearly. It did bother me enough that my mum let me shave, I'm grateful for that.

I started waxing my legs when I was about 16 - it wasn't available in salons then, and buying the wax & strips meant a trip to a town 20 miles away. (pre-internet!)
For a long while, I thought the "waxing reduces regrowth" thing was a myth. By mid 30's, I only needed a salon wax every 3 months or so, and switched to immac a few years ago - I only need to use it about once a year on my legs.

It's a shame that your daughter is feeling so upset by this - if she is keen to try waxing, let her.

You will only understand this if you are very hairy. I was , and my mum would not let me remove it - secondary school was a nightmare and it affected my confidence. I sneakily started shaving my legs when I was 12 for my own sanity. My mum went mad when she found out - not sure why.
These days there are foams you can rinse off in the shower and epilators. I don't have a daughter but my son is very hairy at only 5 ! He's not bothered by it.

I voted to let her remove it, if she wants. But not waxing, yet! Ingrown hairs, so not only will she have to put up with the pain & maintenance, but also commit to an exfoliation routine as well. Get her a decent electric shaver instead.

BTW I'm hairy, & don't bother, except my armpits, for hygiene sake (so I smell less). I probably haven't done my legs in at least a couple of years. DH doesn't care either way!

I remember thinking the same thing when I was 10/11. I didn't tell my mum I just tried to shave them myself and cut my legs to shreds! Not pretty. I wish I'd told my mum and she could have helped me learn.

Her body - her choice. It's only leg hair. The damage to her confidence isn't worth leaving it.
I don't think this is a feminist issue for a child.

I have an 8yr old dd too, she’s 9 next month and I’m pretty relaxed but there’s no way I would let her do this so young. They will be the bane of her life.

I came on to say you shouldn't let her but have read the comments and changed my mind.
My body my choice should really be the basis for most decisions.
She can decide to stop if she wants when she's older and knows about patriarchy and conditioning etc.
But she's a little girl who feels uncomfortable now. You can help her feel better and she'll know you're on her side. And if you ever have to tell her no for something else she'll know you don't just say no to everything

Yes, support her wish to remove her leg hair.
I am really pale with lots of dark hair, it would have made me feel both supported and validated if my mum had let me take ownership of the removal when I first asked (under 10yo).
There's also no reason not to allow it to lead to conversations about embracing the body we each have and navigating this world in our own bodies, within the societal conventions that have developed.

There's a product called "Nads" (short for Nadine I think) a Mother invented it for her daughter who was in this situation.

I use the sugaring kit on my underarms , it is quite thick like honey but used at room temp so no risk of burning.

I used to use the paste years ago, I think it's rolled in a ball then rolled over the skin (I used on my legs)
I use an epilator on my legs now , they do need done again. It does sting a bit but more like removing a plaster type pain.

My DD uses a plastic shaver ( I got some Aldi ones for her and she has a Ladyshave)

I was extremely hairy (and very dark haired) as a child. So much so that the nurse at my GP clinic suggested I be tested for an androgen imbalance. GP disagreed that the hair was excessive and so I wasn’t tested (at that point).

I wanted to shave by age 8 after other kids in my class telling me my arms/legs were “disgusting” but I wasn’t allowed. I started shaving arms/legs at 13.

I would let her shave, not wax (ouch!) as PP have said. It shouldn’t have to happen but your daughter’s self-esteem is at risk. 8 year olds definitely notice and can be downright nasty.

I don’t think it’s fair to expect a level of resilience and maturity about the issue from a child that many adults struggle to have.

Beauty therapist for over 10 years with plenty of experience with hairy little children (especially as I was one of the hairiest myself!!!) I wouldn't recommend waxing just yet. It is fairly painful and hot wax on young, soft skin can have a tendency to burn if they are sensitive. I would shave for now and look at waxing for when she hits around secondary school age.

Please let her if it's what she wants. I was very hairy as a child and my mum told me I couldn't, I was too young etc and I still have bad feelings about it today. I gave up all sorts of hobbies like swimming and ballet because I was so worried that people would notice my underarm hair etc and it took over my life from the age of about 9-13 when I decided to just do it myself and not tell my mum. 8 is young but I was definitely hairy at that age and started my periods at 11 so it's not unheard of.

I wish my mum had supported and helped me.

Thank you for starting this thread.

It's prompted me to really hear what my DD is saying to me.

She's only 7, but has started commenting on her hairy legs (she's like a tiny wee bear, her arms, even the tops of her ears are hairy). She's not yet upset about it, but she's noticed. So it's time I start hearing her.

I was the same and it was horrible! I'm mixed race and very light skinned in winter but got the dark hair. For your daughter it will feel awful and letting her wax will make the world of difference to her.

I use an epilator now and it has honestly changed my life. It's as sore as waxing the first time or two but after that the hair thins and it's barely noticeable. You can use it in the bath / shower too. Great investment! Immac cream is a good starter too but I don't think it's better than shaving for hair regrowth. Also had hair removal on the bottom half of my legs - laser. Game changer but quite radical for a kid. My Asian friends started with epilators very young and I wish I had too!

You need to listen to her and let her remove it. I remember mine not letting me doing it till I was 14 and I resented her for that. I was teased and hated being around people because it was so obvious.

8 is just so bloody young to be upset by body hair - it’s sad. Poor kids.

However, it is what it is, so...I’d let her remove the hair - why not really?

I’ve waxed for years, no problems with ingrown hairs and I don’t even exfoliate and it definitely thins the hair out over time. But especially the first time, it does really hurt, so I wouldn’t start with that.

If she were my DD, I’d start with the ‘silky mitts’ they’re good and easy, with no pain and no risk of cuts, burns etc

I would NOT use any of the hair removal creams on her delicate skin.

DD worries about this at 7. We've talked and she's ok now because it's winter and she wears long socks, but I know it's going to rear its head in summer again when she'll be 8 and the shorts come out. I'm glad you started this thread op.

We're hairy, we're pale skinned with dark hair and she sees me remove mine and wants hers gone too, yet it feels too young so it's nice to see what other people are doing. Last think I want is her finding an old razor and having a go in the bath.

If she can handle it definitely wax. I wish my mum had explained to me that waxing will help reduce hair thickness etc long term. I would have done it and things would be so much easier now.

Sad to see that old wives tale trotted out about shaving increasing hair growth. Think about it. If that was true there would be no bald men!
I was incredibly hairy but was told not to shave because I would end up as hairy as an ape (1960s). I suffered for a while and started guiltily shaving, all the time keeping an eye out for extra hairiness. I wish I had had more support and advice about depilation options when I was a kid, it would have been preferable to being teased and left with a lifelong complex about hairy bits of my body. There are so many easy options these days op. Let your daughter remove her hair and be worry free.