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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

How often do grandparents visit?

74 replies

JimmyJam2019 · 04/01/2020 23:08

My husband and I live hundreds of miles away from family. We have 2 very young children and our parents (all retired) have very different attitudes/needs towards seeing their grandchildren.
My parents would move round the corner if they could afford to. My mum is invaluable when she visits, knows how I like things done, where everything is etc. I am currently on mat leave and therefore she can visit whenever suits me.
My in-laws never visit unless asked and will come for the minimal amount of time possible and even then it's only my MIL as they have a dog that isn't safe around kids. My FIL has only met his 4mo granddaughter once and we took the 4hr trip to see them in order to do so.
Basically my husband is putting his foot down on how often my parents visit. He wants to limit it to once every 3 months at most, whereas my mum so far this mat leave has been here for a few days once a month.
They were here for Christmas and it's going to break her heart to say she isn't welcome until March.
My husband works long hours (out at 7am and home about 8pm) so I enjoy the company, a bit of me time etc when my mum is here.
He cites that it's our house and our family and it's too much to come home from work and my mum be here and he can't relax properly.
Is my mum staying too much?

OP posts:
alibongo5 · 04/01/2020 23:14

Bloody hell! It's your house as well as your husband's and you can invite who you like! Three months is a long time for them not to visit. Obviously best to talk it through with your husband but having a guest for a couple of nights every so often when you need the company shouldn't be a deal breaker for him.

Upso · 04/01/2020 23:15

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

OhMeows · 04/01/2020 23:18

How many days every month? Can you go to her for a visit?

I must admit I would go completely insane if my MIL was here for several overnights every 3-4 weeks.

Mamawingingit1234 · 04/01/2020 23:25

It’s very different relationships. You and your mum obviously get on very well and that’s lovely. But I can’t imagine having my MIL visit that frequently and I actually like her

Original poster
JimmyJam2019 · 04/01/2020 23:29

@OhMeows she usually does Monday to Friday as needs to fly and so this makes it worth the travel time and expense but doesn't encroach on weekend family time.

OP posts:
Cornishmum00 · 04/01/2020 23:29

I wouldnt want visitors that often, could you alternate her staying and you visiting them?

PitterPatterOfBigFeet · 04/01/2020 23:31

If it's only Monday to Friday and he's working long hours anyway I think he's BU. It's your house too and you would otherwise be alone most of the day. Could you go visit your parents sometimes instead? Obviously it's not easy to travel with a baby but might be feasible?

Savannaha · 04/01/2020 23:32

Mine live a 2 hour drive away and we see them one long weekend a month (Friday-Sunday). I would like it to be more often but DC are older than yours so I don't need help and DH doesn't work as long as yours either so slightly different circumstances. Also DH parents both sadly died so we have nothing to compare it to.

Your husband sounds like a right ass though.

Original poster
JimmyJam2019 · 04/01/2020 23:33

@Cornishmum00 I have a 3yo and a 4mo and would need to fly or do a 7hr drive so best they visit us.

OP posts:
KitKatKit · 04/01/2020 23:36

Your husband is in the wrong here.

Glitterblue · 04/01/2020 23:41

Mine live 2 minutes away and we visit them once a week and see them on a week day after school once or twice a week too, depending on what we've got on. FIL lives 10 mins away and has been in our house once in 5 months, for Christmas Dinner. It's not due to a lack of invitations either!

KellyHall · 04/01/2020 23:41

If you are happy with your mum's visits, tell your husband to go fuck himself.

There's no way I'd be telling my mum (who sounds just like yours, and who also lives a significant distance away) not to visit as much, unless I wasn't happy with it. She's providing you with great support and making a huge amount of effort to forge important relationships with your dc.

I expect he's actually pissed off about his own parents' lack of involvement (also an issue with my dh's mum, who lives 10 minutes away) but instead of attempting to increase their visits, he's trying to reduce your parents instead. That's not at all fair IMO. He needs to acknowledge that your mum is filling the gap left by his parents, as well as spending the time expected for herself. If that makes sense?

Josette77 · 04/01/2020 23:42

How often is she staying?

fruityconfusedhotdog · 04/01/2020 23:45

My mum comes one weekend a month (Thursday night - Sunday night). DH works alternate weekends and she comes on a weekend he's working to help me out with the children (5, 3 and a baby). I'd be unimpressed if he tried to limit her visits!

PiL come approx. 4 tunes a year. They'd be welcome more often but that suits them, as they're older and find the noise of 3 young children a bit much!

Smurfy23 · 04/01/2020 23:46

I can see why your DH is coming from- I wouldnt like my DMIL around that much BUT he isnt around that much. Hes working really long hours and seemingly expecting you to sit at home waiting for him to come back, doing everything by yourself? Nah, sorry.

In answer to your question though- both ours are really close so we take it in turns to be annoyed by how much time they spend with us and dc

stophuggingme · 04/01/2020 23:47

Your husband is converting his disappointment with his parents into controlling your relationship with yours.

That won’t remove the issues so you need to sort this out.

Elieza · 04/01/2020 23:50

Sounds like he’s jealous your parents are welcome all the time but he hardly sees his.

That’s not your fault! Their choice.

I do get that he feels he can’t relax after work when any parents are around, I would feel like that too, but perhaps there are ways round this to give him a bit of time at home after work so he can unwind alone? Can you go out with your parents for a bit to give him the house alone for a while. Or can you and your dp sit in the kitchen or dining room or bedroom so he has the living room to himself to unwind in?

There must be solutions to this problem they give him more space and you sufficient time with dp.

You can’t not see your mum till March. Sod that for a game of soldiers. Go stay with her if needs be.

Icanflyhigh · 04/01/2020 23:56

If DP told me i couldnt invite my mum over for three months, I'd be showing him the door pronto.
That's absolutely ridiculous and it sounds like he is somewhat jealous of the relationship you have with your parents when his own dont give flying dig by the sounds of it.
There are kennels available for dogs, so FIL could have visited, and your H knows this.
Sorry, but he is being a twat and needs to be told. It's your house too.

ineedaholidaynow · 05/01/2020 00:01

I don't think it is necessarily jealousy on your DH's behalf.

I must admit I would struggle if my MIL stayed for nearly a week every month.In all fairness I am not great with having visitors so I would probably struggle if my DM wanted to do that, so it is not a MIL thing for me, just a visitor thing. For all those saying the DH is in the wrong would you feel the same if your DH said that his mum was coming to stay whenever she wanted.

I can understand you want the company but can also understand your DH's point of view. Can you compromise?

I would assume most people whose parents live hundreds of miles away don't see them as often as you are hoping to see your DM.

Savingshoes · 05/01/2020 00:02

I can't work out how long your mum is staying. Is it Mon-Fri every week?

That must be so unfair on your husband, coming home every night and having to entertain guests etc and I bet he just wants to get to know his new family/spend more time without constant demand of your mum.

Maybe one week in every 6 whilst on mat leave.

Josette77 · 05/01/2020 00:03

I'm an introvert and coming home from work everyday to my mil would wear on me fast.

Frenchw1fe · 05/01/2020 00:09

Your dh is putting his foot down? What Victorian novel has that attitude come from?
You presumably jointly own or rent your home. You can have visitors within reason when you want.
Your parents visit when your dh is mostly out. Once a month.
Your dh should stop acting like the master of the house.
Ask your dh how he will feel in 25 years time when his dc say he can only see them once every 3 months. Because he can't be a hypocrite.

ChaosisntapitChaosisaladder19 · 05/01/2020 00:10

I don't blame your dh I would find it suffocating if my mil was there after I'd been at work

Livpool · 05/01/2020 00:10

I wouldn't want MIL (or my DP) staying over so much

ineedaholidaynow · 05/01/2020 00:14

Is your DM coming more at the moment as you are on maternity leave? What will happen once you are back at work?

For those saying it is OP's house so she can have visitors when she wants, it is also her DH's house. Compromise is surely the key here.