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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

How often do grandparents visit?

74 replies

JimmyJam2019 · 04/01/2020 23:08

My husband and I live hundreds of miles away from family. We have 2 very young children and our parents (all retired) have very different attitudes/needs towards seeing their grandchildren.
My parents would move round the corner if they could afford to. My mum is invaluable when she visits, knows how I like things done, where everything is etc. I am currently on mat leave and therefore she can visit whenever suits me.
My in-laws never visit unless asked and will come for the minimal amount of time possible and even then it's only my MIL as they have a dog that isn't safe around kids. My FIL has only met his 4mo granddaughter once and we took the 4hr trip to see them in order to do so.
Basically my husband is putting his foot down on how often my parents visit. He wants to limit it to once every 3 months at most, whereas my mum so far this mat leave has been here for a few days once a month.
They were here for Christmas and it's going to break her heart to say she isn't welcome until March.
My husband works long hours (out at 7am and home about 8pm) so I enjoy the company, a bit of me time etc when my mum is here.
He cites that it's our house and our family and it's too much to come home from work and my mum be here and he can't relax properly.
Is my mum staying too much?

OP posts:

ohprettybaby · 05/01/2020 11:21

If your DH was a sahp and posted the same situation on here I think that everyone would jump on him as being unreasonable.

AnnaMagnani · 05/01/2020 11:29

Honestly my DH would find it wearing if my DM was staying Mon-Fri once a month, and he likes her.

I would have to kill DH if MIL was staying Mon-Fri the same.

Sorry. It would be different if she was popping in a few times a week during the day and gone in the evenings. But your set up does seem great for you and a nightmare for your DH.

Cherrysoup · 05/01/2020 11:42

I think YABU. I would cry if my mil stayed one week out of 4. I’d run away if my mum stayed that long. I’d be thoroughly pissed off to come home and see someone other than my dh every night for a week.

If the situation were reversed, as we see all the time with mils visiting, there’d be no contest , it would be a unanimous YABU.

ineedaholidaynow · 05/01/2020 11:48

For those of you saying it would only be parity if the DH stayed at home if MIL stayed Mon-Fri once a month, what about if MIL stayed 2 weekends a month (on the assumption that DH works Mon-Fri). Would you be happy with that?

CheeseCakeSunflowers · 05/01/2020 11:52

It does sound quite a lot but as it's only days when he's working that's not so bad. It's probably only actually 3 hours in the evening for 4 consecutive evenings that they're together, so about 12 hours each month, which doesn't sound so bad. It is of course far more hours that you get the company and support you want. Being stuck at home on your own with little ones can be tough, try to explain this to dh, has he ever had a day at home with the DC while your out for that long?

SquareAsABlock · 05/01/2020 11:56

I think I'd be driven up the wall if parents (mine or his) were staying for a nearly a week per month, so in that sense I can completely see where your husband is coming from. Could you compromise? Maybe a visit for 4 days every 6 weeks?

Instagrump · 05/01/2020 12:12

If your DH is out such long hours I think he's being unreasonable. He's expecting you to sit at home all alone all that time. That said, I can also see some from his point of view. He's hardly home and when he is, his MIL is often there. On the whole though I think he needs to shut up. You have more right to have your mother come to help.

We live less than 10 minutes from my mum. A couple of dozen times a week she is just a few streets away from us picking her DH up, doing her shopping or picking up takeaways etc but never, ever pops in. If she does ever have to swing by to drop off a birthday card, (envelope still wet from it being written in the car and a tenner for DCs birthdays because she wouldn't go to the effort of actually going and buying a gift) she won't even stay long enough to have a cup of tea.

PIL live on the street in front of ours. They don't drop by at all. Ever. If they have something for us such as birthday gifts for the kids, or we have something for them, we have to go to theirs or send one of the children round to pick it up/drop off.

OP I'm envious of your relationship with your mum. Cherish it. And tell your DH that just because his parents don't give a shit, he shouldn't take it out on you! That's like when MIL told me to uninvite all my aunts and uncles from our wedding because most of her brothers and sisters had declined their invites (they're an odd lot, always bickering and taking offence at perceived slights whether real or imagined. DH and I are on fine terms with all) and MIL didn't want my family to outnumber her side. Ffs.

Stand your ground OP.

user1493494961 · 05/01/2020 12:14

Make it every 6-8 weeks.

Crystal87 · 05/01/2020 18:40

I can see your DH's point. I think it's too much.

nomdunchien · 05/01/2020 18:47

I think your husbands way of addressing the issue stinks, but that he has a point. I personally would absolutely hate my parents or my partners parents staying in my home once a month for a week at a time. It’s a LOT. He could have gone about this in a much nicer way though, and limiting her visits to once every three months is a bit OTT. Is there no way that as a compromise she could come but stay somewhere close by? Or would that seem very rude, now that the pattern of staying with you has been established? What about she stays with you for a week one month, you stay with her for a week the next, type thing? IMO worth the travel with kids if it means you all still get to have the family bonds you obviously want x

reefedsail · 05/01/2020 18:48

If this were the other way round and MIL was coming to stay every month and OP was uncomfortable with it every single post would say it was too much and the old 'you have a DH problem' chestnut would be out by now.

Compromise on every other month maybe.

YummyChipCurryDip · 05/01/2020 19:09

My parents and in-laws lived 200 miles away, each in different directions. Thank goodness they didn't visit very often, maybe a couple of times a year. We mostly went to them as then we were in control of length of visit. Even though I had no family support nearby it would have driven me nuts to have my mother/in law staying for that length of time, that often. Can you compromise on once every 2 months for a shorter time?

Sunshinegirl82 · 05/01/2020 19:10

It's tricky because I can see your DH's perspective to an extent but (and it's a big but) does your DH understand how difficult in can be being at home by yourself all day with a toddler and a baby?

I can imagine you really look forward to the weeks your DM is able to come and help you.

Your DH's sacrifice by having your DM there is presumably having to make small talk etc with her for an hour or two over the 4 nights? If your DM doesn't come then you miss out of 4/5 full days of help with the DC?

I think, on balance, whilst you're on mat leave it's not a massive ask for your DH to suck it up so you can have the help. If he knows when she's coming in advance can he arrange to go out for drinks one night after work? Or the gym? Or work extra late one night in exchange for an early finish on Friday when she's gone home?

I think it will need to be revisited if/when you return to work but for now there must be a way to compromise?

OhMeows · 05/01/2020 19:12

I agree with PP maybe you could suggest every other month as a compromise.

I would really really not like MIL or my own DM staying 5 nights a month. I'd go insane.

I don't think either of you are in the wrong, but can definitely see where DH is coming from.

If you want once a month and he wants every 3 months I'd suggest to him every other month.

Fairydust00999 · 05/01/2020 19:14

Once, sometimes twice a week, mil only lives in the next town!

My mum, I always go there, same again, once or twice a week, sometimes 3 times a week.

HairyToity · 05/01/2020 19:22

My SIL had post natal depression, then her mum moved in for a couple of months, and it made the world of difference. My brother didn't say anything, ass he could see if was necessary for his wife's happiness.

His MIL still constantly visits but not live with them, and again my brother doesn't complain. He knows his son adores his maternal grandma, and his wife has a very close relationship.

So I think your husband is being unreasonable.

YummyChipCurryDip · 05/01/2020 19:25

Once, sometimes twice a week, mil only lives in the next town!

I could live with that. It's the staying over for several night long distance ones that would drive me to distraction.

champagneandfromage50 · 05/01/2020 19:47

I think its fantastic having your mums support when you have two young DC. When i had a 3 1/2yr old and a new baby it was hard. If your mum is coming a few days a month i really cant see why your DH isnt happy that you and your DC are receiving additional support. I am fairly sure he is 'putting' his foot down because seeing your parents there so often is shining a light on his own

Nomorechickens · 05/01/2020 19:59

Could your mum visit every month but stay in a B&B 2 months out of 3, or 2 or 3 nights each visit?I can understand you DH not wanting to come home every night and find his MiL there. But it's great that you have her company and support.

sanityisamyth · 05/01/2020 20:17

I had an operation on my knee and my dad and stepmum kindly did some driving for an afternoon for me whilst they were in the area (they live 300 miles away to be fair) but that was the only time they've been to see him.
My mother lived an hour away and very rarely came to see us. She thinks her sister (my aunt) is batshit for wanting to see her grandchildren, despite her being even further away. She sees them most weekends. Really upsets me but nothing I can do about it.

MonaLisaDoesntSmile · 05/01/2020 20:32

How are their relationship? between each other? Do they usually get on?
In the evening when your DH comes back, do you get privacy or does your Mum stay with you until you go to bed?
My MIL is a lvoely person and we asked her to come and help with the baby, she only stayed 3 days a week, and then came back for 3 days a week, and while helpful, I kind of wanted to murder her at the same time. I could not watch anything on the TV without her, and she was around ALL the time in the evenings, and even tried to come during the night when my baby cried as she thought that was being helpful. See my partner did not mind as this was his Mum, I was having murderous thoughts. It's very different when it's your parent, and when it's not. One week seems a lot, although I understand the practicality of it. On the other hand, your husband is going way over the top with the 3 monthly visits! You need to compromise.

neverhadanymarblestolose · 05/01/2020 21:42

Staying 5 days a month is a lot. I appreciate that there is a large distance between you. But if I was out of the house 13 hours a day working, I wouldn't want to come home to my in-laws for the whole working week once a month. I don't think I'd even want my own family there that much!

ChocolateCoins19 · 05/01/2020 21:50

Your dh is a knob

Were lucky to all be local to GPS and we see them all both sides of family at least once a week.. Never longer than a week
My DF tends to be our on call sitter.. He lives round corner.. He works ft but has weekends off and begs to have dcs.
My DM I see in her days off to visit my nan and do shopping.. She doesn't help much.
Inlaws we tend to pop in a weekend but they have dd prob fortnightly and take her out. And ds ( their step ds as he's not dhs), for over night stays in holidays.. Or for example tomorrow I have an apt so they will have dd to save dh taking unpaid leave.

Xyzzzzz · 06/01/2020 22:13

I’ve just had my baby (5 months old) and have PND. My mum lives in the same city as me and visits me during the day twice a week. She’s normally here when Dh comes home. At one point I was going to put a stop to her coming but Dh encouraged me to have her still come as he understands how it helps me and my pnd.

I don’t think he’s the biggest fan of her popping round but he understands the help and support I get so doesn’t say anything.

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