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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

How often do grandparents visit?

74 replies

JimmyJam2019 · 04/01/2020 23:08

My husband and I live hundreds of miles away from family. We have 2 very young children and our parents (all retired) have very different attitudes/needs towards seeing their grandchildren.
My parents would move round the corner if they could afford to. My mum is invaluable when she visits, knows how I like things done, where everything is etc. I am currently on mat leave and therefore she can visit whenever suits me.
My in-laws never visit unless asked and will come for the minimal amount of time possible and even then it's only my MIL as they have a dog that isn't safe around kids. My FIL has only met his 4mo granddaughter once and we took the 4hr trip to see them in order to do so.
Basically my husband is putting his foot down on how often my parents visit. He wants to limit it to once every 3 months at most, whereas my mum so far this mat leave has been here for a few days once a month.
They were here for Christmas and it's going to break her heart to say she isn't welcome until March.
My husband works long hours (out at 7am and home about 8pm) so I enjoy the company, a bit of me time etc when my mum is here.
He cites that it's our house and our family and it's too much to come home from work and my mum be here and he can't relax properly.
Is my mum staying too much?

OP posts:
Surroundedbycats · 05/01/2020 00:28

You husband is a selfish prick. That's it

Youseethethingis · 05/01/2020 00:33

His parents won’t step up just because yours have been forced to step down.
Easy for him to say this when it’s not him going through the daily grind with a newborn alone and hundreds of miles from family support.

SarahAndQuack · 05/01/2020 00:39

Your husband is being selfish. If he struggles to relax around your mother, that is hard on him, but you benefit from her helping you out, and so he should compromise. Presumably, from what you say, you don't work such long hours as him? If that is the case then he should recognise you are caring for small children while he isn't.

I do think that if he struggles around your parents, you should make it easy for him to take some alone time with the children - eg. taking them for a bath while you chat to your mum, or staying home with them while you go out for a meal. Equally, you might let him go out with his mates while you stay in with your mum, so that the visit results in some time off for both of you.

Both DP and I live over 100 miles from parents (though only just). My parents would come often if they could; DP's dad has visited us precisely once during our entire relationship, and DP's mum rarely visits unless we pay for her travel (she can afford it without this), and often finds reasons why she can't be bothered.

I think there is no 'norm' for how often parents visit. But I think if your parents genuinely make life easier for you, your DP ought to accept that.

Fidgety31 · 05/01/2020 00:43

I don’t have any parents or a partner, so my kids have no grandparents.
I would love to have people visit .
I think it’s nice to let yours come as often as they can while they’re willing and able to .

Catsandchardonnay · 05/01/2020 00:45

Your DH is a control freak. Once a month is fine.

GrumpyHoonMain · 05/01/2020 00:50

Its yours and your DH’s house. He is entitled to not want his mil staying with him for a week every 3-4 weeks. Why doesn’t your mum book a hotel - that way she can be with you in the day when he isn’t around but then can leave or you can go with her when he returns.

Leobynature · 05/01/2020 00:53

I would leave a man who tried to dictate how often I see my mum. Period!

Lizzie0869 · 05/01/2020 00:56

I confess that I wouldn't want my MIL (or my DM actually if it comes to that!) staying that often, so I get where your DH is coming from. On the other hand, he's out of the house for long hours with work, so whilst you're on maternity leave, it helps you to have the support from your parents so he does sound unreasonable.

Maybe it's something that should be reviewed once your maternity leave is over?

Bouncingbelle · 05/01/2020 00:57

Omg your poor parents - dont see their young grandchildren for 3 months?! I live round the corner from my mum and see her prob 4/7 days. Less when my partner is here (he works away). My in laws do a 7 hour journey every 6 weeks to stay 2 days & see their grandchildren. I hate having g visitors but they help out with the DC & the DC deserve to have good relationships with the adults in their lives who love them.
Could your DH pay for your mum to stay in a hotel when she visits "so she can get a proper sleep"?

ineedaholidaynow · 05/01/2020 01:10

Many grandparents don’t see their GC every month or even every 3 months especially if they live hundreds of miles away.

The other issue is that DM has to stay it’s not just popping in for the day. I would be sitting in the corner going wibble if my MIL had stayed for nearly a week every month when DS was little. And if I told DH that my DM could stay whenever she wanted then I would have to let MIL do the same.

Youseethethingis · 05/01/2020 09:39

I would have to let MIL do the same
Only if DH took the time off work to spend with her - otherwise it’s not the same at all.

Appletreehouse · 05/01/2020 09:47

could you alternate so she comes Monday to fri one month, then thurs to Monday or something the next? And maybe plan over Easter for you all to visit her that way it's not you managing all the travel alone, the baby will be older, and children normally love visiting their grandparents and sleeping over etc. That way it's not always after work.

I think he's being selfish though, you've got a young baby and your older child probably loves the attention from her Nanny when she visits, and mat leave can feel exhausting and isolating so I don't think he gets to choose. Although per

okiedokieme · 05/01/2020 09:52

My in laws have visited less than a dozen times in my kids entire childhood! My kids are adults and mil lives 30 miles away. My parents come 3-4 times a year despite being 200 miles away, more when they were little

OceanSunFish · 05/01/2020 09:52

Could your mum spend the days with you and stay in a local B&B so she's not with you every evening?

OceanSunFish · 05/01/2020 09:54

It's tricky - I can see that this is lovely for you but a bit much for your DH. He doesn't get to put his foot down though. Keep talking to him and try to reach a compromise you're both happy with.

Winterwoollies · 05/01/2020 10:07

My in-laws visit ALL THE TIME. It drives me up the wall. They often turn up unannounced or put my DH on the spot so he feels he has to say yes.
My parents are much less needy and would never turn up unannounced. I tend to go to them, too.
So I sort of see your husband’s perspective as I couldn’t cope if they were here for five consecutive days every month. But also, he works long hours and you have a new baby so you need and want the support.
It’s a tricky one. Explain to him why it’s important your mum comes, at least while your baby is small.

Ledkr · 05/01/2020 10:07

I have to say I do have some sympathy for your dh. My pil live away too so have to visit and whilst they are mostly good guests I did find it all a bit cloying within our normal sized house and don't want to chat every minute of everyday especially after work.
That said if I was out working a lot and dh was at home with 2 small kids I'd probably appreciate the help that they gave to him so it's tricky.
Can he say hi after work and eat dinner then maybe retreat to another part of the house for some relaxation? I tend to go to bed early when they are here and tell them I'm off to relax or prepare for work etc. (Lie basically 😂)

cptartapp · 05/01/2020 10:14

Your DM would move round the corner from you if she could and "knows how you like things done". Mmmm.
I kind of get your DH point of view tbh although once every three months is a bit harsh.

Snugglemonster84 · 05/01/2020 10:15

Why do you live so far away from everyone?
I think its very difficult for all involved. You live far away and not everyone will be willing or able to make those frequent long journeys to see you. If you were the ones that chose to move away then I think that you should do most of the travelling

CakeandCustard28 · 05/01/2020 10:27

My mum visits us every few months for about 4-5 days at a time. I get where your DH is coming from I wouldn’t want my mum visiting every month. (But she’s known for being pushy and moaning.)
I think it depends on what your mum is like when she’s there.
If she’s not harming anyone and is a good house guest then your DH is being unreasonable.

Beamur · 05/01/2020 10:38

Once a month isn't that much but I guess it's a biggish chunk of time she is with you.
What exactly about your Mum being there is winding him up? Can you address that specifically.
How often his parents come seems an irrelevant argument. As someone else has said, if he and she, want parity, is he going to take time off work to do that? I don't see that it would be for you to take that on 100%. Spending time with your own Mum is nothing like time with your MIL. (except for people who get on great with their in-laws).
My Mum used to stay 2 nights with us every week to help out with childcare until DD went to school. DH didn't grumble.
Many have been balanced by the fact I am a step parent too, so we are more used to family coming and going.
DH parents did not help at all with childcare of youngest, although had helped with older kids. We saw them maybe 4 times a year.
Hardly ever see my Dad, we might meet at weddings and funerals.

TARSCOUT · 05/01/2020 10:38

I agree with your DH also I appreciate the help and company you get. He is out of the house 13 hours, sleeping for 8 hours and have 3 precious hours to relax only to come home and MIL is there again! Literally will just be getting used to having his home back and shes there again for a week. Could she perhaps stay at a cheap b&b even?

ohprettybaby · 05/01/2020 11:03

I can see how your DH would find your parents staying from Monday to Friday once per month too much. He works long hours and so, for one working week per month, he has to come home from work to guests, albeit family. I would find this too much.

Your DH may have had a really crap day, might be very tired or just want to talk stuff through with you........and he can't. You aren't properly available as you have guests there. He possibly has to chivvy himself into the right frame of mind for socialising with your parents. One week where he doesn't get alone time with you. That's a long time.

Personally, I find his suggestion of every 3 months acceptable. It's only 12 weeks in between with the 13th week for the visit. You could Skype/facetime every day so that they see the DC or talk on the phone.

If you lived nearer to each other then it would be fine to see each other more frequently but for far less time.

I think you need to compromise on this otherwise resentment will build up. Do you want him to dread your parent's visits?

If you can't compromise in the time then is there any way they or you or both of you can move so that you live nearer to each other?

Mummyzzz044 · 05/01/2020 11:15

I cant imagine being in this type of relationship where my DH tells me what is happening or what to do. We respect each other more than that. He is thinking of himself rather than you and your kids. You are so lucky to have a mum who wants to build a relationship with your children!!! We live a hour away at the moment from my MIL and shes not come to visit once. My baby is 6 months old. We always have go go to them. Your mum won't be around forever. Appreciate her. She will always have your best interest at heart. He clearly doesnt. Shocking behaviour from your husband. Seems to be he wants all your attention

ohprettybaby · 05/01/2020 11:18

@Savingshoes

I can't work out how long your mum is staying. Is it Mon-Fri every week?

OP has said "mum so far this mat leave has been here for a few days once a month."

So, Monday to Friday one week per month.