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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Upset by mum when I need her most

94 replies

Potato1980 · 04/01/2020 18:58

Hi all long post alert but need to rant I'm in the process of planning to leave a abusive relationship and my mum has said I can go live with her!I'm grateful as shes 70blives on her own and I'm 40 only a care assistant so not on much money best I could hope for is a house share she has agreed I can live with her but making very sure shes given 500 per month food bill money I'm only on 900 so significant amount which is fine I dont want her out of pocket although I would like to point out that she has no mortgage and a decent pension but it's the moaning of I carnt cope your whingeing at me stressing me out etc I've got to 5alk to someone and we are planning together how I can leave in secret and when so my contract on my house is up so I dont have debts left on property but shes upsetting me with her whingeing when I ring her what hes done now etc I'm living in this situation and having to work and I feel she should support me more especially since when she left her husband 10 years ago I had her live with me for six months with no notice..no kids involved

OP posts:
CripsSandwiches · 04/01/2020 22:22

Could you find a family looking for a lodger? I'm sure most people would be delighted with a nice, clean 40 year old who is going to be quiet rather than a 21 year old.

NK346f2849X127d8bca260 · 04/01/2020 22:40

My adult daughter moved back in with us for a year, i only asked for £100 a month, that included her food, she only had to pay for her own toiletries. It gave her the opportunity to get her debts sorted and save a small amount.

AuntyElle · 04/01/2020 22:40

Have you ever looked at live-in care work, OP? £100+ per 24 hours and no living costs. You could do a few weeks at time, and save up, staying at your mum’s during your weeks off. Worth a look. Be wary of some of the agencies though. Assuming you have care work training and DBS already, you could work as self-employed. There’s Facebook groups such as Live In Care Jobs (UK).
Good luck Flowers

Ericabro · 05/01/2020 10:55

I have just been reading a article in todays Guardian about property Guardians for a small rent dot dot dot is one website mentioned but do think that unless you change your job love you will have this person turning up at your workplace within days of moving tn with your Mum also what happens if/when he comes to your mums looking for you? how will she react? maybe save a little money and make a long term plan how do you feel about working abroad for elderly Brits with live in accommodation and a small wage? Good luck love

Jux · 05/01/2020 12:51

Make her a counter-offer. What do yo thinks is fair - include council tax (half) and realistic share of bills rather than minimal, separate food will increase gas/electric due to separate cooking, etc.

Do a calculation taking everything into account, make her a realistic offer based on that. While you're doing it look about for what you might get for that sort of money, you might find something which suits you better.

Have you phoned Women's Aid? They'll give you loads of advice and support on getting away from your p, and may have a suggestion about how to get out of your tenancy sooner.

Original poster
Potato1980 · 05/01/2020 12:54

Thanks all I live in a small place so living choices are limited I'm just upset I think although I dont want her out of pocket it feels like shes making a profit from me which is unfair she has plenty of money and yes as a adult I should pay my way but c'mon 50 quid for food!!!

OP posts:
Elliesmommy · 05/01/2020 12:57

Her house , her terms. To be fair you are 40. Hardly fair on your mum either to move back home. Move elsewhere if you dont agree with her terms.

JKScot4 · 05/01/2020 14:56

Just tell her you’ll buy your own food, no argument, there’s your £200 and bring your shopping in yourself.

elessar · 05/01/2020 15:15

£400 a month isn't a vast amount more than the £290 you were charging her, and it's cheaper than it would be to get a house share plus all bills, food etc.

Do think it's weird that she's asking that much for food or won't let you buy your own though. She sounds a bit mean. But perhaps she doesn't want to make the offer too cushy which might encourage a long term stay.

You'll have £500 left each month for your other expenses which should give you plenty to save towards a deposit.

Chuffit · 05/01/2020 15:23

I don't think it's going to work OP. Before long you will be at each others throats I would imagine.
I would definitely look into a house share. After all, that's basically what you will be doing at your mum's.
At least if you go into a house share you will be in full control of your life and probably for a lesser amount each month too.
If you're paying your mum over a half of your monthly income each month, then how are you going to save for your next place?
You may find yourself stuck with her forever if you move in.

TheMustressMhor · 05/01/2020 15:30

Sorry you're in this situation, OP. It sounds very tough.

Have you been in contact with Women's Adi for advice and support?

www.womensaid.org.uk

Good luck whatever happens. I've left a violent partner myself and the relief I felt afterwards was worth everything.

MzHz · 05/01/2020 18:37

What did she pay YOU when she lived with you for the 6m? Refuse to pay the £500, that’s absolutely ridiculous.

There’s a reason you ended up in an abusive situation...

Her.

Look for alternative accommodation.

CherryQuartz · 05/01/2020 18:53

Last year, when I sold my house and had to vacate it before my new house was ready, I moved back in with my mum for a few months. (Me, my dog, and most evenings my bf). She absolutely refused to take any money, so I made sure we bought food and made meals for her, bought her gifts that I knew she wanted. Kept the place spotless. I was so lucky, and tried numerous times to leave money lying around, hidden away etc... But she got so offended by it and it always found its way back to me. She had a big birthday later on in the year and I made sure it was extra special and spent more than I ordinarily would have done to try and show my appreciation.

I find it astonishing that any parent would want any more than 'out of pocket' expenses for supporting a child in need.

Herpesfreesince03 · 05/01/2020 19:07

£200 a month seems more reasonable but I’d insist on buying your own food

Herpesfreesince03 · 05/01/2020 19:08

Btw you are going from abusive household to another

Original poster
Potato1980 · 05/01/2020 23:48

No shes is abit crap at times but means well I think I just need to get more friends socialise more build a new life for myself x

OP posts:
fedup21 · 05/01/2020 23:53

Hours are what's available and think I'd really struggle with more

How many hours are you currently working and why would you struggle with more?

Original poster
Potato1980 · 06/01/2020 01:24

30 and I have health issues

OP posts:
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