Upset by mum when I need her most

[Potato1980]

Hi all long post alert but need to rant I'm in the process of planning to leave a abusive relationship and my mum has said I can go live with her!I'm grateful as shes 70blives on her own and I'm 40 only a care assistant so not on much money best I could hope for is a house share she has agreed I can live with her but making very sure shes given 500 per month food bill money I'm only on 900 so significant amount which is fine I dont want her out of pocket although I would like to point out that she has no mortgage and a decent pension but it's the moaning of I carnt cope your whingeing at me stressing me out etc I've got to 5alk to someone and we are planning together how I can leave in secret and when so my contract on my house is up so I dont have debts left on property but shes upsetting me with her whingeing when I ring her what hes done now etc I'm living in this situation and having to work and I feel she should support me more especially since when she left her husband 10 years ago I had her live with me for six months with no notice..no kids involved

OP I think you got involved with an abuser because of your family background. You need support and some tlc right now and your mother is trying to rip you off.

You'd be better off in a refuge or seeing the council for help. Go to your local council or a council in another area and make a homeless application. If you become homeless out of office hours, the council should have a 24-hour emergency number you can call. You can find this number listed on your council's website.

CABx or your local DV organisation may have information on cheap housing. I'm wondering if you've had advice on an Occupation Order to get him out and if you need to leave.

Please don't move in with your mother because it will be a complete disaster. Paying her 500 a month will totally fuck you over and you'll never be able to save up to move out. Don't do it. Live anywhere but there.

I understand that you are in very difficult situation, and looking for new job is the last thing you would like to do.
But have you tried changing employer? Do the care assisting job but for a bit better money?
In my area care assistant jobs vary, some are min wage but some paying much more.
And some of the care homes/nursing homes are providing accommodation for the staff so maybe that could be the option?

How about applying for a wardens job in sheltered housing love they usually have a house/flat with the job good luck love x

I know she's doing you a favour, but £500 a month is a lot for her to ask, especially as she knows you're on a low salary. She sounds like the kind of person who'd constantly make a big deal about her putting herself out for you. Actually, she'd be getting a lot out of it.

It'd probably be cheaper (if less relaxing maybe, depending how hard she is to live with) to get a room in a shared house really. Or at least, not vastly more, and you'd probably feel better.

If you are a qualified carer, get a live in job. You can choose your weeks on/ weeks off pattern and live in a Travelodge or b+b on your off time until you get sorted.
Iirc a couple of the big companies even have hostel type accommodation for their people's off time.

@Ericabro has a good idea. You can get a fair few care work jobs where you can live in. Might be worth a go.

Don’t move in with her

I agree with other posters. If you're in the UK please search on www.spareroom.co.uk/ for a house share. It's by far the best option for you, both financially and emotionally IMO.

£500 a month seems a lot nWe live in a biggish house in London and my adult DC live with us. They add whatever they want to the supermarket shop deliveries and contribute £250 a month for room and board. Even the DC who is addicted to smoked salmon only adds about an extra £80 a month to our grocery bill. So allowing about £20 for additional fuel costs that still leaves us ‘in profit’ of about £150 a month. That extra money goes into a separate bank account so when their mess and drama starts to drive me insane I have that cash set aside to go away for a week or two!

Dont move in with your mum shes taking the absolute piss charging you that!

House share not available in my area but thanks and round here emergency accommodation is in town and away from my job think I will get some money saved then look to house share thanks all

Good luck, OP.

It's a shame it sounds like it's not going to work with your mum but make sure you get yourself away from your abusive relationship ASAP.

Had conversations it been reduced to 200 Bill's 50 pw food xx

That sounds very reasonable.

200 bills and 50 food as in £400 a month?

I've just seen your update that she's reduced the amount (though not by much!) but in any case I'd still say what I was going to say anyway!

I know other people have said not to move in with her so this might be controversial. i would move in with her because I think right now your priority has to be safely leaving the abusive relationship. But I'd see living with her as a temporary arrangement - a stop-gap until you can get everything else sorted. Use the time that you are with her to look for ways of earning more money, and different accommodation options, with a plan of moving out asap.

I agree it should be a stop gap for op @DeathStare but what I left out of my lost is that one of the red flags OPs mum is raising for me is how cripplingly high the amount owed is vs her budget. It's well over 50% of her budget and with things like clothes and transport to work it will take OP a long time to save up to move anywhere.

Do you have any siblings OP? Do you think the house will be left to you?

Misread it as £200 all in.

Why won’t she let you buy your own food?

I don't understand why you would give her money for food.. why wouldn't you buy your own food? Good luck x

I have no travel costs but shes insists 50 for food and I dont think she will budge on that suppose I'll have to chuck Tampa in the trolley too!!!no siblings xx

I agree @CloudyVanilla but I don't think the OP has many options right now, and I think her safety has to be the priority.

She earns 900 a month and her mum is asking for 400 so that leaves her with 500 to fund transport to work and saving for a deposit. TBH in the OP's position I wouldn't be looking at buying clothes or anything like that right now unless she ends up leaving the relationship without her clothes.

Even if transport to work is half of that 500, I'd still reckon she could save a deposit in 3 months. If she looks for additional hours at work or some other way of earning more money then it could be even less than that.

Also once she has actually moved in with her mum I would be tempted to try to negotiate the rent down again - in particular I would want to buy my own food and not pay the 50 a week for food as I suspect she can feed herself for less than that.

Suggest £200 for bills but state that you will pay for your own food

@Potato1980 - I'd go with it right now and then renegotiate the food issue when you are in. Maybe deliberately eat frugally for the first week and keep a running total of what you have eaten and how much it would cost (calculate what it would cost if you went to a cheap supermarket). If you can demonstrate to her that you do only use 25/30 worth of food and toiletries per week then it would be very cheeky and hard-nosed of her to ask you to pay 50 as she would be asking you to subsidise her food. Just don't get drawn into sharing meals/her cooking for you as that will very quickly end up with you spending on food what she would spend on food!

I also think that if you have no travel costs that 500 per month free income after all bills and food is really not bad at all, and that you should be able to save for a deposit really quite quickly. If you get a place of your own I can't imagine you'll have 500 per month left after rent/bills/food.