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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Upset by mum when I need her most

94 replies

Potato1980 · 04/01/2020 18:58

Hi all long post alert but need to rant I'm in the process of planning to leave a abusive relationship and my mum has said I can go live with her!I'm grateful as shes 70blives on her own and I'm 40 only a care assistant so not on much money best I could hope for is a house share she has agreed I can live with her but making very sure shes given 500 per month food bill money I'm only on 900 so significant amount which is fine I dont want her out of pocket although I would like to point out that she has no mortgage and a decent pension but it's the moaning of I carnt cope your whingeing at me stressing me out etc I've got to 5alk to someone and we are planning together how I can leave in secret and when so my contract on my house is up so I dont have debts left on property but shes upsetting me with her whingeing when I ring her what hes done now etc I'm living in this situation and having to work and I feel she should support me more especially since when she left her husband 10 years ago I had her live with me for six months with no notice..no kids involved

OP posts:
PepePig · 04/01/2020 20:01

500 is about the same size as my mortgage a month. There's no way I'd be paying that for a bedroom with my own mother.

recklessgran · 04/01/2020 20:11

Sorry OP but I don't think she really wants you there. She sounds the type to expect you to look after her on top. I'd be running for the hills. If necessary just make it a very temporary stepping stone whilst you sort yourself out and find somewhere suitable of your own to live. Even if it's a little bedsit it will be better to have your own front door. After that, concentrate on finding yourself a better paid job - hospitals pay care assistants a lot more than £900 a month - I'm guessing you're working in a care home or similar [been there, done that!] Good luck OP and concentrate on getting away from the abusive relationship and use your DM's home as a temporary move only!

LH1987 · 04/01/2020 20:12

On your salary, would you not be better contacting the Council and seeing what support is available? You may be moved into temporary emergency accommodation but it might be worth it. Your salary is unlikely to increase significantly in the near future which might mean that you are stuck living with your mother for a long time. It might destroy any relationship you have with her and make you stressed and anxious. Good luck OP, and well done on getting out of an abusive relationship.

Molly2016 · 04/01/2020 20:13

If you need her as a safe place to go I’d swallow it on the basis I’d be looking for something else as soon as I possibly could.
To give some perspective, the first time my husband was violent I asked my mum and dad if I could go home. They (she) said no. Told me I was married now and I had ‘made my bed’.
It took me 6 more years to leave. Even then they didn’t support me.
At least she is supporting you to a degree.

jgjgjgjgjg · 04/01/2020 20:13

OP why are you only taking home £900 per month? A full time minimum wage job should give you more than that.

Supersimkin2 · 04/01/2020 20:14

What a ripoff. Say No.

inwood · 04/01/2020 20:15

Are you ft? Even mw that seems low.

I'd look for a house share.

CalleighDoodle · 04/01/2020 20:25

£250 for food a month! Wtf!!!!!! Thats a huge amount for one person. Youll end up massive! Renegotiate and have a food cupboard and buy your own food.

£900 a month? Is that full time? And if not, why not?

category12 · 04/01/2020 20:26

Look for a house-share. This isn't going to work.

ArranUpsideDown · 04/01/2020 20:29

Seconding PPs who've recommended Homeshare UK or similar.

Are you happy to share 10 hours a week of your time? Homeshare works on the simple idea that you provide 10 hours of support to someone who needs help to live independently (the householder), plus some friendly companionship, in exchange for free or affordable accommodation.
As a homesharer, the support you would provide could include caring for pets, cleaning, reading, cooking, shopping or gardening (no personal or nursing care is involved). Together with the householder, you will agree the type of support you will provide. A Homeshare organisation will draw up this agreement, which may also include contributing to household bills.
The Homeshare organisation that arranges your match will often charge a monthly fee to cover the cost of their services. This cost varies but is roughly £160 per month.

homeshareuk.org/about-homeshare/homeshare/looking-for-accommodation/

Potato1980 · 04/01/2020 20:29

Hours are what's available and think I'd really struggle with more tbh min wage increase will take me up to 1000pcm in april but I'm not eligible for any help

OP posts:
CalleighDoodle · 04/01/2020 20:32

think I’d really struggle with more tbh
Why? Have i missed a reason for this?

speakout · 04/01/2020 20:32

Don't do it OP.

Find a room somewhere.

Becca19962014 · 04/01/2020 20:34

I did this with one of the few relatives I was close to, it was a disaster. She'd hounded me to go to uni in a local city and live with her, which I didn't do, but I did get a job local to her for my year out.

I ended up paying more than half my salary to her for food/bills/washing five days a week (expected to provide my own weekends and only allowed in the kitchen then, so not allowed access to the lounge except weekday evenings). I wasn't allowed to buy anything and she expected more from me than I could manage. I simply couldn't stay up until 11pm chatting when I needed to get transport to work at 6:30am (so getting up 5:30am) and didn't get back until 6:30pm. I was exhausted, it was my first job and very challenging (worth it, but it was hard work). Meanwhile she retired that year and did nothing during the day, didn't see anyone, refused to join clubs instead joining ones in the evening she wanted me to go to as well and I was too exhausted. She expected me to take time off when she was ill but I wasn't allowed. She wanted me to go away for two weeks over Christmas but I wasn't allowed the annual leave to do so - it was a year contract and annual leave booked in the first week. I wasn't allowed a key to the house or any post to go there.

I couldn't afford to go to the evening classes, cinema or theatre with her as she, transport and dept payments took all my salary, nor could I physically manage and do she did none of it either. I did treat her a couple of times to theatre trips. And when I left bought her flowers and chocs. But she didn't want me, she wanted the person she thought I'd be - going out every night with her etc. I learnt after she was bitching about me to everyone she could for being a burden and using her. I was devastated, I knew we had issues but thought she'd got over them, bug she hadn't.

Our relationship never recovered and I regret doing it. She died last year and despite trying for over twenty years I couldn't get our relationship back. I was devastated.

Look at other options.

Mary1935 · 04/01/2020 20:35

Bloody witch - your her daughter. You aren’t going to cost that. Is she on benefits or does she get a pension.
Have a look at spare room.com - I feel for you. Your mother sounds unhelpful and unsupportive to you. Do you have friends in real life.
Has she been abusive to you in the past?
Do you have siblings you can talk too.
Well done for getting out of the abusive relationship.
Look after yourself.

Becca19962014 · 04/01/2020 20:36

It wasn't all bad!! Reading that back it sounds horrific - Those were just the difficult bits; but looking back were clearly things that for her that meant the end of our relationship.

Lardlizard · 04/01/2020 20:36

What a tight arse bitch
If you were my dd I’d be picking you up ASAP

I think you’d be better at one of THe other places suggested a carer live in scheme

JKScot4 · 04/01/2020 20:38

So you charged her £240pm and she’s asking £500pm from you?
I’d be pointing that out to her and asking her for a breakdown of the £500, offer £250 and you’ll buy your own groceries, you’ll never save to move on paying her that amount.
Stingey get.

Bowerbird5 · 04/01/2020 20:40

Arran That seems a really good alternative. What a great idea. Not surprised that Bristol is involved they seem to be involved in lots of innovative programmes.

80sstyle · 04/01/2020 20:40

That’s very mean of her.

Can you just stay there for a month to escape your relationship and then find a houseshare or something?

AnnaMagnani · 04/01/2020 20:42

Don't stay with her, she's got her figures badly wrong.

I stay half the week for work in an AirBnB and even with eating out every evening I'm not spending that kind of money on food/rent.

Homeshare, lodger, house share - all of these are better.

mrsm43s · 04/01/2020 20:48

£100 per week for rent, food and bills doesn't seem that bad to me.
And 10 years ago, you charged her £60 per week for the same.

Even on minimum wage, working full time, you will bring home more than £900 surely?

Tinkobell · 04/01/2020 20:53

Maybe she’s deliberately tried to price at a high level which she hoped you wouldn’t agree to and would look elsewhere. To me, sounds like she really doesn’t want you with her right now.

Mlou32 · 04/01/2020 20:54

Can you contact womens aid, they could sort you out with temporary accommodation? It seems that your mum is making a tidy sum out of this; £500 seems excessive.

BobbyBlueCat · 04/01/2020 20:54

OP, you only posted this exact same thing the other day!

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