To think she can't just have fallen asleep?

[Nicebathinpeace]

Just sitting here waiting for ex to pick the kids up, he normally picks them up after his class but he didn’t go today so I called him at 11.30am and asked him what time he’s going to be here. And he says they need to do some shopping first before picking the kids up, they’re getting dressed and ready now. I say ok, and he puts his partners little girl on the phone, she says hi etc, spoke to her for a bit she’s only 2.

Anyway I just called him now at 3pm. Apparently he hasn’t even left the house yet because the little girl ‘fell asleep’she just woke up from her nap now and they going now

AIBU to think they’ve just put the child down for a nap instead of her ‘falling asleep’? I was speaking to her on the phone and they were getting dressed?

Tbh he always picks them up on time, just not feeling well today. I’m on my period, and was really looking forward to a nice bath in peace.

And that all time he was just at home. Ugh.

This “which would be 1-2 hours” was not mentioned. Saying “after the shopping” is not setting a time.

errr well since that's the time it takes to get dressed and go shopping the 1-2 hours was implicit in what he said. A polite person wouldn't expect another person to wait in all day for whenever he fancied turning up. The nap time is irrelevant really (although of course he could have just woken her up or at least texted if she was ill and couldn't be woken) since it doesn't take two adults to hold vigil over a napping two year old. He could collect his kids then do the shopping with them while the 2 year old napped.

It all worked out with my four children. I was late to some events and cancelled others

So it worked fine for you but you inconvenienced lots of other people and probably your other children. That's pretty much the definition of selfish.

I think it’s a bit selfish of you to assume you come before a person’s own child. It’s all about you and not being late for you and not inconveniencing you

Well yes, that's my point. If I had dragged myself and children out to meet you, and you didn't turn up because your child was "having a nap" then you have inconvenienced me. Probably last minute as surely you wouldn't arrange to meet me during a known scheduled nap time.
How can you not see that as a bit shitty?

The other person can drop my other children off at home. Or they can wait.

we would have a babysitter come in so it did not matter if children were awake or asleep

I am not criticising, because I think I (and other people) must be missing something here - are you talking about things like school pickups, clubs etc? How did you just not collect your other children for hours on end? And if I was expecting you to collect your child from a sleepover at 11:30, and you rocked up at 4pm because your toddler had a nap, I would expect a phone call at least.

DS still has 3hr naps aged 3, so I have no trouble believing that part (speaking of which, I should really wake him up soon). It’s the fact that this ExH didn’t call that is the problem.

I think if he's generally good it's not worth fussing over, but perhaps a set time in future?

Idk, if I didn't live with my kids, I can't imagine not being up & to get them asap when I could tbh.

You was speaking to your ex’s new partners 2 year old daughter?

& why would she not?The little girl is family - she's half-sister to OP's own kids.

I think it’s a bit selfish of you to assume you come before a person’s own child. It’s all about you and not being late for you and not inconveniencing you

bloody hell! So people who have set aside their time to see you, maybe woken up their own toddlers from their nap, turned down other invitations and their selfish for expecting you to turn up!

several others have taken issue with the fact that I did not do what they do.

Presumably because they recognise that very few parents have childcare on tap at a moment's notice.

We do have a set time, he goes to his class at 9am, finishes at 11am, goes home to get changed and have lunch, then picks them up at 1-2pm.

He’s in COOP now, apparently the child had to eat after her napI asked him why couldn’t he go and do the shopping and let her partner stay at home with her daughter? He says she needs some things for herself, I asked him why couldn’t she have given you a list and you could have done the shopping at 12pm, he says “ let’s stop with this coulda/woulda/shoulda. I’ll be there soon” 🙄 he obviously been caught and knows he could have done things different instead of wasting 5 hours, which is why he’s changing the subject.

And the sad thing is, we live 10 mins from each other. COOP is 5 min from me, so hopefully he will be here soon.

I am hoping you are just curious about how it worked. So will take a leap and answer in good faith.

So if your two year old had a doctor's appointment you would just miss it if she fell asleep? This never happened. Appointments were few and far between and I guess we were lucky. Plus we walk to our doctor so the putting a sleeping 2yr old in a car would not have happened anyway.

If an older child had a birthday party you'd get a babysitter in in case a 2 year old fell asleep? We had birthday parties at home. For friends birthday parties one of us would take the older child and the other stay home with younger children. Usually siblings are not invited to birthday parties anyway.

What about a family party or wedding or funeral? Are any of these important? Family parties can show up and leave anytime as they usually last all day and are at one of our homes. Wedding/funeral- babysitter as not wise to take a toddler to either.

What about the time of your friends? We visited each other at our homes because child safe and toys readily available. Plus beds to nap on. Meeting time was always flexible. We often moved it a few hours either way on the day depending on children’s needs.

Did you really never plan an outing during the day? I never said we never had day outings. We did. Again we picked activities that didn’t have a set start or end time. Say to the park or a beach. We’d go when kids were awake and come back when they were tired.

The older kids were looking forward to it? Friends expecting to see you? Had set that day aside to go out and you just didn't show because of a nap? Same as above. If meeting another family we’d just say see you there sometime in morning or afternoon. Some days they’d be there first, others we would. Only a few times was it more than two hours without seeing each other. It usually overlapped just enough to have fun. We’d call each other if it looked like the planets (children) were not going to align at all and say see you next time.

Sorry, OP, but if you live only 10 minutes away from each other, couldn't you just have dropped the children at his place so you could come home and relax?

So people who have set aside their time to see you, maybe woken up their own toddlers from their nap, turned down other invitations and their selfish for expecting you to turn up!

No one has had to do that to see or meet us. We are friends with parents who have similar values and are also flexible so do not require a set meeting time more specific than morning or afternoon.

Messolini9 She's the ex's new partners child so not related to the OPs children.

few parents have childcare on tap at a moment's notice.

I did not either unless you are saying my husband is childcare?

Oh I think that that's really sad, Op.

So he's effectively wasted a day.

Does he always have lunch without them?

@PlanDeRaccordement

That's fine so essentially you never made any arrangements to go anywhere as a family during the day at a specific time - no daytime theatre tickets, no holidays on a train or plain, no weddings, no family parties, no trips with everyone at the same time at a specified time. This is certainly highly unusual but as long as you didn't cancel plans with people who were waiting for you then fine.

However OP's ex did have plans so he doesn't have the luxury of allowing his entire day to be dictated by a 2 year old's nap schedule. Even if his partner didn't want to wake the 2 year old she didn't have to, A grown man can collect his kids and take them with him to coop, go home and meet his partner and her sleeping child. The fact that he didn't literally say I'll be there at a particular time is no excuse. Every week he gets there at the same time so if things changed he should have said. When OP asked him when he'd be there he gave a clear indication of what time that would be (the time it takes to get dressed and pop to the shops).

The fact you think it's reasonable to expect OP to sit around waiting for him all day makes me suspect it's the kind of thing you did all the time and you're just not admitting it or justifying it by saying "well we said we'd be there after lunch so technically showing up at 7:30 is fine".

Lesson learned - if he ususally picks up children directly "after a class" arrange for a specific time when it's the holidays and no class happening.
He is being unreasonable - no idea what the journey time is, but if you expected him at maybe midday from the 11.30 conversation, if he still hasn;t left home at 3pm, that's pretty much a whole day wasted for you and his and your children hanging about not knowing when he might turn up.

I think it’s a bit selfish of you to assume you come before a person’s own child two of the EXH's own children were left hanging around for four hours, possibly more, as well as the OP!! The EXH is being incredibly selfish.

Christmas carcass.
Yes picking up, dropping off would all be communicated, no one was left hanging. Tdhe OPs ex should have called to say he was running late. I agree that is the primary problem.

@messolini9 but she isn’t related to the op is she or the children? The child is only 2 and not the ex’s child so a fairly new relationship well less then 2 years. I personally find it strange to be talking to a unrelated 2 year old when you are trying to sort out contact arrangements with your children’s father.
I have family very close to me who get on brilliant with their ex partners new partner and children but it’s many years down the line from when they first got together.

Fred
The fact you think it's reasonable to expect OP to sit around waiting for him all day

No. I never said that or think that. All I have said is the OP should have set a specific time if she wanted the kids picked up by a certain time. And I said it before the update that they did have a specific time like many other posters did. All I have said is that I do not put a sleeping toddler in a car. And I’ve explained how we made that work in our lives.

If a 2yr old falls asleep (and many do after lunch), I would never pick them up and put them in a car. I’d wait until they woke up before going out.

You sound just like my irritating sister, we'd have arrangement to meet for lunch and she'd text me and say she couldnt come as her son had fallen asleep, she'd do it when I was already there which really pissed me off as I lived an hour drive away and so did she (different direction) so he obviously hadn't just fallen asleep.

@PlanDeRaccordement They do have a specific time, her ex changed the time today without telling her and left her waiting for him all day. That's why she's annoyed.

"If meeting another family we’d just say see you there sometime in morning or afternoon. Some days they’d be there first, others we would. Only a few times was it more than two hours without seeing each other. It usually overlapped just enough to have fun. We’d call each other if it looked like the planets (children) were not going to align at all and say see you next time."

Well if it worked for you and all your friends were on board...but if I was going to meet friends with our kids I would always set a time.

Plus we walk to our doctor so the putting a sleeping 2yr old in a car would not have happened anyway.

So you'd have woken her to take her, or would you have put her in the pushchair still asleep?

If the latter, what's the difference between putting a child to sleep in a pushchair and putting them to sleep in the car?

My ex used to be even worse than this when we all lived near each other (100 miles between us now & loving it). He'd say he was coming afer work/Saturday morning etc and I'd be there DESPERATE for a break my mental health in shreds and he'd cancel the last minute or just not bother showing up. I'd cry hot angry tears.

If he's a good dad most of the time let it slide, that's a hell of a lot more than many kids have.