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AIBU?

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Original poster

To think she can't just have fallen asleep?

83 replies

Nicebathinpeace · 04/01/2020 15:20

Just sitting here waiting for ex to pick the kids up, he normally picks them up after his class but he didn’t go today so I called him at 11.30am and asked him what time he’s going to be here. And he says they need to do some shopping first before picking the kids up, they’re getting dressed and ready now. I say ok, and he puts his partners little girl on the phone, she says hi etc, spoke to her for a bit she’s only 2.

Anyway I just called him now at 3pm. Apparently he hasn’t even left the house yet because the little girl ‘fell asleep’Hmmshe just woke up from her nap now and they going now Hmm

AIBU to think they’ve just put the child down for a nap instead of her ‘falling asleep’? I was speaking to her on the phone and they were getting dressed?

Tbh he always picks them up on time, just not feeling well today. I’m on my period, and was really looking forward to a nice bath in peace.

And that all time he was just at home. Ugh.

OP posts:
IamFriedSpam · 04/01/2020 16:33

My four are long past toddlerhood but I never ever took them out of their beds asleep to put them in a car so I could go somewhere. Children do not sleep as well. Car seats are not very comfortable. Whatever I had to do could wait.

This is so obviously untrue unless you are massively selfish. You would miss a birthday party? A school pick up? Doctor's appointment? Lunch with a friend who was waiting for you? Did you just never make an appointment for the entire duration of your four kids' childhoods in case someone fell asleep? That is completely insane!

adaline · 04/01/2020 16:37

Yes. The other person can drop my other children off at home. Or they can wait. I guess myself and my friends are just more relaxed. Not so hurry hurry.

Nothing to do with being "hurry hurry" and more to do with not being so selfish!

He arranged to pick his children up. He could have left his partners daughter with her and come to pick up his children alone. Or he could have put the two year old in the car and brought her along.

Why should the needs of a child that's not even his take priority over his own children?

PlanDeRaccordement · 04/01/2020 16:39

Poppy
there’s politeness and not expecting other people to go out of their way to accommodate you

Yes. But my experience is that it is polite to consider the restrictions of a very young child and their naps on parents. It is also mutual accommodation between friends who are parents. I have let children stay longer in my home because a friend took longer than expected due to a sleeping baby/toddler. It would be impolite to disrupt at least two people- parent and baby (usually three) to suit the schedule of one person especially where there is no urgent or important event involved.

PlanDeRaccordement · 04/01/2020 16:43

Adaline,

But no specific time was set for him to pick up his other children. So, technically he was not late picking them up. How can it be selfish if he and OP had only agreed he would pick his children up sometime today?
They didn’t even agree on morning versus afternoon.
If they hadn’t set a time, I’d be more inclined to agree with you. But you can’t tell an ex that anytime tomorrow is good and then get upset.

PlanDeRaccordement · 04/01/2020 16:44

had set a time. Not hadn’t.

ManiacalLapwing · 04/01/2020 16:46

Two year old children do just fall asleep, especially if they don't always nap but were just tired that day. Mine used to take themselves to bed or lie down on the sofa at that age if they were tired.

You don't wait at home while they sleep if you are expected somewhere that is not just for the benefit of the tired two year old though. You pop them in the car and if they still need to sleep they can drift back off.

adaline · 04/01/2020 16:47

But no specific time was set for him to pick up his other children. So, technically he was not late picking them up. How can it be selfish if he and OP had only agreed he would pick his children up sometime today?

Because he told OP they were getting ready to leave, and then the 2yo fell asleep. The considerate thing to do would be to ring OP back and say he was delayed, so that she could get on with her day and wasn't waiting in for him all afternoon.

She could then have the chance to say "fine, but I need to to go ASDA so can you come and collect them at 4pm" or whatever. As it is, she got stuck waiting at home while he did whatever he fancied.

ManiacalLapwing · 04/01/2020 16:48

Why can't he just do the shopping with his kids like most single parents have to?

NoooorthonerMum · 04/01/2020 16:49

@PlanDeRaccordement

That's fine if no one is inconvenienced but to leave someone waiting around with no notice unable to get on with their day is ridiculous. You must have had actual meetings with people (e.g. hairdressers, doctors, dentists etc) which you couldn't have just avoided because of nap time!

goodwinter · 04/01/2020 16:49

@PlandeRaccordement out of interest, did you ever have to miss anything important (like an appointment at a set time) because of a napping toddler?

PlanDeRaccordement · 04/01/2020 16:50

This is so obviously untrue unless you are massively selfish. You would miss a birthday party? A school pick up? Doctor's appointment? Lunch with a friend who was waiting for you?

Oh, so I’m either a liar or massively selfish. How nasty of you to say that all because I made a different parenting choice.
It all worked out with my four children. I was late to some events and cancelled others.

lovemenorca · 04/01/2020 16:50

You sound like you otherwise have a very decent relationship with your ex and you say otherwise he always picks up on time

So please don’t let angry mumsnetters encourage you to rise up like Medusa. Annoying but let it go and enjoy your evening

MyNewBearTotoro · 04/01/2020 16:50

Even if she was asleep I don’t see why that wouldn’t let him pick up the phone and let you know. Also if they were leaving at 11:30 but she fell asleep and didn’t wake up until 3 that’s a 3.5 hour nap. Even if it was only 2.5 hours that’s a very long time for a 2 year old to be left to nap.

There were three reasonable actions when she fell asleep of which they did none:

  1. Call you to let you know they’d be late
  2. Put sleeping toddler in car and carry on with plans
  3. Ex or partner stays home with sleeping toddler and the other carries on with plans

Rude of them to change the plans and not even let you know.

missyB1 · 04/01/2020 16:51

He decided he had better things to do than go and pick up his kids basically.
Next time set a specific time they are to be picked up and make it politely but firmly clear that you expect him to be there at that time.

NoooorthonerMum · 04/01/2020 16:51

But no specific time was set for him to pick up his other children. So, technically he was not late picking them up. How can it be selfish if he and OP had only agreed he would pick his children up sometime today?

He told her he was getting ready and would come after he'd done the shopping which would be 1-2 hours so he had set a time to collect the kids.

Poppinjay · 04/01/2020 16:52

This is so obviously untrue unless you are massively selfish. You would miss a birthday party? A school pick up? Doctor's appointment? Lunch with a friend who was waiting for you? Did you just never make an appointment for the entire duration of your four kids' childhoods in case someone fell asleep? That is completely insane!

This ^

Unless you had miraculous children whose sleeps could be predicted to the minute every single day? In which case, they were very unusual and your point is not relevant to the thread.

PlanDeRaccordement · 04/01/2020 16:55

did you ever have to miss anything important (like an appointment at a set time) because of a napping toddler?

I think your definition of important is different from mine. For important things, if my husband were not available, we would have a babysitter come in so it did not matter if children were awake or asleep.

WhereYouLeftIt · 04/01/2020 16:55

"Either way he could have left his partner and the 2yo at home and collected his children so he's still an arse."

This!

FullOfJellyBeans · 04/01/2020 16:55

Oh, so I’m either a liar or massively selfish. How nasty of you to say that all because I made a different parenting choice.

Surely PP wasn't commenting on your parenting choice they were commenting on the fact you said you'd rather miss appointments, have other people bring your kids home and friends waiting around all afternoon because you can't possibly wake up a two year old from their nap. That's just rude. Other people may have woken their toddlers up to come and meet you just to be left waiting around.

PlanDeRaccordement · 04/01/2020 16:57

Poppinjay
your point is not relevant to the thread.

It was only mentioned because two posters before me stated that if a two year old fell asleep, wouldn’t you just put them in the car?

I responded merely to say I would not do that (and I did not) and now several others have taken issue with the fact that I did not do what they do.

Greysparkles · 04/01/2020 16:57

It all worked out with my four children. I was late to some events and cancelled others

Selfish then. If someone cancelled me last minute because their toddler as having a nap I'd think they were taking the piss tbh

PlanDeRaccordement · 04/01/2020 16:59

No, Northern mum
This “which would be 1-2 hours” was not mentioned. Saying “after the shopping” is not setting a time.

FullOfJellyBeans · 04/01/2020 16:59

I think your definition of important is different from mine. For important things, if my husband were not available, we would have a babysitter come in so it did not matter if children were awake or asleep.

So if your two year old had a doctor's appointment you would just miss it if she fell asleep? If an older child had a birthday party you'd get a babysitter in in case a 2 year old fell asleep? What about a family party or wedding or funeral? Are any of these important?

What about the time of your friends? Did you really never plan an outing during the day? The older kids were looking forward to it? Friends expecting to see you? Had set that day aside to go out and you just didn't show because of a nap?

PlanDeRaccordement · 04/01/2020 17:01

Greysparkles,

I don’t think I am selfish. Myself and my friends were all like this when our children were young. It worked for us.

I think it’s a bit selfish of you to assume you come before a person’s own child. It’s all about you and not being late for you and not inconveniencing you.

adaline · 04/01/2020 17:03

It all worked out with my four children. I was late to some events and cancelled others

So just because it didn't impact you in a negative way, it's all okay then?

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