To feel really weird about this?

[Mayajarrrrma]

Recently started seeing someone, it’s been a few dates and all seemsto be going well. He’s early 30s and one of the things I like about him is that he seems quite mature and switched on etc (I’m slightly younger).

He used to work at my company a few years before I joined and the culture is very much young people thrown together, all become friends etc. Sort of an extended university freshers week. This was just under ten years ago.

A colleague he was friends with sent a leaving email mentioning him several times and he jokingly mentioned it to me and offered to show me (sent around ten years ago). I’ve now seen it and I’m a bit shocked. He asked not to judge as “he’s a lot nicer now” but it was basically all locker room talk, talking about him “face raping” girls on nights out, some casual racism from the writer etc etc. I feel really really strange about it, it’s put me off a bit. He would have been very young at the time but i have no idea why he chose to send it to me?! Am I being precious or is this pretty bad

I wouldn't like that at all. I understand people grow up, but the fact that he once had the mindset about "face raping" girls would give me the biggest ick and I wouldn't ever be able to look at him the same way again

I feel like that! It’s really put me off. That’s now what I thought he was like at all

You will never regret dumping this man.

He didn’t write it... but obv thought was fine to show me

You are not being unreasonable to get turned off.

I'm confused, a mutual friend of yours made you aware of this email?

It sounds like you're being warned. Ie, this is what's on the tin. Read the lid on that tin.

Anybody that used/ uses the term face raping would never darken my door again ! That is not only a horrid turn of phrase but is a despicable thing to joke about .
Although saying something like that while out drinking is still very wrong but to put something like that in writing is much worst.
It makes me wonder what else he may of said if he is willing to put that kind of thing in writing

He may be trying to be upfront, confessing his past and using the colleague to make it sound more palatable, that he wasn’t alone, that it was part of the ‘culture’ of the place

Actions speak louder than words. He's gone out of his way to show you this which suggests to me that his views have not changed all that much. Or he's trying to make sure you see it from him , rather than someone else given that he knows he must have had something of a 'reputation'.

No sorry.

He sent it to me. His female colleague wrote it using that term about him

Fuck, no, it could be a hundred years ago and still his moral compass would be one which previously okayed face rape. In no way would this person be someone you'd want to spend forever with because whilst people can change, moral compasses (compii?) don't.

Eewww. He sounds gross. I think he showed it to you because he’s scared of it being revealed.

Op says he didn’t write it himself but it was about him

There was definitely no chance it would be revealed, we have no mutual friends and tbh it was standard but horrible banter from back in the day. Just don’t like it

Female colleague. Then perhaps he really is trying to get ‘approval’ if it ‘didn’t upset her why would it upset you’

There was no need for him to mention the email or show you. The fact that he has means ‘something’ - he’s testing you to see how far he can go & that would make me bun him off - let alone what he actually thought was acceptable then

At your age 10 years probably seems like a long time ago. I’m late 40’s & 10 years ago doesn't seem anywhere near as a long ago. People don’t change that much in 10 years

Extremely odd he sent it to you. I mean really odd. Why does he even remember a random email from his early 20s
Odd

What on earth is 'face raping'? I agree, just because he says he's a 'lot nicer now' doesn't mean it's true. He was still capable of acting like that.

He saved an email from ten years ago and sent it to you? Is that right? Because that is proper weird. Who does that?

I’ve known some very immature men in their early twenties who have grown up and are mortified by their behaviour now. I’d be more concerned about his reasoning behind showing you the email - if he thought you would hear regardless and wanted to preempt and is embarrassed by it, that’s better than if he was showing off as this is the person my colleagues see me as.

Perhaps a misguided attempt to show how 'popular' he was/is.

Misguided as it's going to make him a bit less popular with you now.

break up with him and hold out for that perfect person who never says or does anything wrong.

If he held onto it so long, and is now showing it off, it means it's a big thing to him, huge, as in he thinks it shows what a cool dude he is, and he's never reached that peak since. Highly immature thought process and quite disturbing a man in his thirties does this. And to send a partner something talking bout face raping is sick.

How old are you op?