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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To feel really weird about this?

72 replies

Mayajarrrrma · 04/01/2020 12:37

Recently started seeing someone, it’s been a few dates and all seemsto be going well. He’s early 30s and one of the things I like about him is that he seems quite mature and switched on etc (I’m slightly younger).

He used to work at my company a few years before I joined and the culture is very much young people thrown together, all become friends etc. Sort of an extended university freshers week. This was just under ten years ago.

A colleague he was friends with sent a leaving email mentioning him several times and he jokingly mentioned it to me and offered to show me (sent around ten years ago). I’ve now seen it and I’m a bit shocked. He asked not to judge as “he’s a lot nicer now” but it was basically all locker room talk, talking about him “face raping” girls on nights out, some casual racism from the writer etc etc. I feel really really strange about it, it’s put me off a bit. He would have been very young at the time but i have no idea why he chose to send it to me?! Am I being precious or is this pretty bad

OP posts:
Original poster
Mayajarrrrma · 04/01/2020 13:07

I’m mid 20s

OP posts:
Bluntness100 · 04/01/2020 13:07

Then you know the answer without asking op.

SimonJT · 04/01/2020 13:08

Who wrote the email?

If it’s the female colleague and not your boyfriend, then it’a fairly shitty to judge/dump him due to the actions of someone else.

aroundtheworldyet · 04/01/2020 13:08

@SpectrumFreckle
Lots of people do shitty things in their early 20s
If I had email evidence of what a knob I was 10 years ago- I wouldn’t save and show it to someone I’m dating!

Original poster
Mayajarrrrma · 04/01/2020 13:11

If it’s the female colleague and not your boyfriend, then it’a fairly shitty to judge/dump him due to the actions of someone else.

It’s very early, like 3/4 dates in. Yes agreed hence why I am talking it through on here. Don’t get why he offered to show me in that case. Shitty it may be but it’s weird and makes me really uncomfortable - others might be fine with it, we’re probably not compatible in that case

OP posts:
Noideawhatusername · 04/01/2020 13:12

He is weird to keep such email for ten years let alone showing it to you. A bit sad tbh.

roses2 · 04/01/2020 13:14

My gmail saves all my emails since I opened my account unless I specifically deleted them so I wouldn't find it unusual to still have access to such an old email.

But I don't get why he showed you the email - what was he loòking to achieve?

kingkuta · 04/01/2020 13:15

The fact that he has saved this email for 10 years is really fucking weird. And then for him to be keen to show it to you after only a few dates is very worrying. It's as if he is incredibly proud of it. I'd be rethinking the relationship.
Is there anyone still working in your company that knew him? Might be worth getting their opinion on what he was like. Once we are adults we really don't change much at all in 10 years

Shockers · 04/01/2020 13:16

I don’t know what ‘face raping’ is. I was an utter arse in my 20s and grew up considerably, and for the better in my 30s.

My concern would be that he still gets a buzz about being thought of in that way... unless he’s trying to prove that he’s no longer the person depicted in the email and showing you is a form of defence against gossip.

darthbreakz · 04/01/2020 13:16

What does the term "face-raping" mean? They're not his words, but the words of whoever wrote this email, and if they're in the context of a somewhat sexually charged, youthful, "fresher's week" style work environment then that's relevent to how you interpret it. Does it mean he snogged lots of girls one evening? Because when I was younger, I would snog loads of boys and I wouldn't do that now that I'm a 40 year old married mother of 3!

I think it's a good thing to sow your wild oats when you're young and to grow out of it. And 10 years is a long time. How does he treat you? How does he treat other people? How does he treat staff in restaurants?

Maybe he wants to be open with you in a warts and all sort of a way - which is kind of nice - and this is a clumsy way of doing it.

If you like him, the best thing you can do it talk about it and say that you found it a bit gross and ask him why he showed it to you. If he's a decent bloke, he'll be ok with this. If he's an arse about it then show him the door.

PicsInRed · 04/01/2020 13:17

He's telling you who he is.
That person will firmly reemerge once he thinks you are "secured".

The clever decision is to end it - not easy, I know. You want to be kind to him, understanding, he's a different guy now, right? He's really not. But how about you be kind to the version of yourself, 5 years from now, married, pregnant and home alone fretting about where he is and who he's face raping Hmm this time?

Be kind to her. Save her. And dump him.

GertiMJN · 04/01/2020 13:18

What was the context in which he told you about the wnail and then sent it to you. I really can't imagine how that would arise...It is such an odd thing for him to do that regardless of of the fact that wasn't him writing, I'd be really put off.

GertiMJN · 04/01/2020 13:23

Email not wnail obviously...

Quartz2208 · 04/01/2020 13:26

I think face raping has two meanings, the far more horrible one and then when a man stands with his crotch near a womens face to making them uncomfortable because they find it funny. Which actually is also pre offensive but easier to understand in the context of a young 20 something man

What is far more difficult to gauge is why on earth he sent it to you in the first place

marns · 04/01/2020 13:31

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Teachermaths · 04/01/2020 13:32

Gosh I'm glad no one has access to or remembers the shitty stuff I did in my early 20s. I was a total arse!! Luckily 30s made me mature a bit. Him showing you the email is a bit odd, perhaps he thought it would come out?

Lifeisabeach09 · 04/01/2020 13:32

He didn't write it. He chose to show you, for whatever reason.

We all do stupid things when we are young. I wouldn't break up with him based on this email but would continue to watch for red flags in the present/future.

What is 'face raping'?

SchadenfreudePersonified · 04/01/2020 13:33

He didn’t write it... but obv thought was fine to show me

AND - he kept it for TEN years.

What sort of man does that?

Aquamarine1029 · 04/01/2020 13:33

Him sending you that email is so bizarre. An email from 10 years ago, ffs. I can't think of any positive reason why he shared it with you - all I can imagine is it's some kind of creepy test. I would be put right off and end it.

I think he's not the nice man you thought he was. Trust your instincts.

kingkuta · 04/01/2020 13:35

Face raping is when a man stands with his crotch in a woman's face in an environment where the woman can't easily get away, like if she was sat on a packed train. I guess another interpretation would be of a man being really smarmy and staring at a woman, looking her up and down, making her feel really uncomfortable etc. I wouldn't want to be with someone like this, even if it happened a long time ago.

Original poster
Mayajarrrrma · 04/01/2020 13:37

Oh I think in the context face raping meant snogging on a night out

OP posts:
Twillow · 04/01/2020 13:39

I'm confused. Who wrote the email, was it written in present time or 10 years ago?

Neverlovedya · 04/01/2020 13:39

If a man 'face raped' me then he would know about it afterwards !! It's almost sexual assault.

kingkuta · 04/01/2020 13:39

Are you sure OP because it's not it's usual meaning and I've never heard it used in that context.

However that would also worry me because in that context face rape suggests he was snogging without consent - forcing himself on people.

BumbleBeee69 · 04/01/2020 13:40

He still finds it entertaining to have kept and and sharing it.. he's VULGAR... get rid.. Flowers