To feel really weird about this?

[Mayajarrrrma]

Recently started seeing someone, it’s been a few dates and all seemsto be going well. He’s early 30s and one of the things I like about him is that he seems quite mature and switched on etc (I’m slightly younger).

He used to work at my company a few years before I joined and the culture is very much young people thrown together, all become friends etc. Sort of an extended university freshers week. This was just under ten years ago.

A colleague he was friends with sent a leaving email mentioning him several times and he jokingly mentioned it to me and offered to show me (sent around ten years ago). I’ve now seen it and I’m a bit shocked. He asked not to judge as “he’s a lot nicer now” but it was basically all locker room talk, talking about him “face raping” girls on nights out, some casual racism from the writer etc etc. I feel really really strange about it, it’s put me off a bit. He would have been very young at the time but i have no idea why he chose to send it to me?! Am I being precious or is this pretty bad

So I take the term "face raping" to just mean enthusiastic drunken snogging on a night out with randoms... unfortunately "normal" behaviour for most twenty somethings I would imagine. I don't think it's as sinister as it sounds. It is a bit of a cringy term, but it wasn't him that said it, it was his colleague. However I'm not sure why he would feel the need to drag it up and send it to you. He sounds like a bit of a narcissist if the female colleague keeps bigging him up in her leaving email. He wants you to know what a catch he is and the proof is this doting email?!

He kept this? He sent it to you? He's clearly telling you who he is. Get rid.

I'm also a person who has 10 year old emails, I never delete them!

Face raping is not a good description, in my circle it meant snogging. I didn't know about the crotch thing.

Can people not read that although someone else wrote the email he dredged it up and shared it with the op?

Anybody who thinks that's a defensible term is scum. Rape is not comical or cringy or something to make light of.

*assumed she was bigging up him, either way she keeps mentioning him so it sounds like an ego thing.

Either everyone on this thread is really young or didn’t come across this term 10-15 years ago when I first heard it. It doesn’t mean what everyone seems to think it means.

Google is your friend. Maybe everyone will calm down a bit then.

It’s a horrible term regardless.

Agree with lairymary. In this context, it means "enthusiastic snogging", but it's still weird to show you the email.

It's a horrible term which I wouldn't use now. But did use in my university years out of naivety.

For anyone who can’t be bothered to look it up:

www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=Facerape

It's obviously not that is it invalidUserID when the OP has said it relates to snogging. A quick Google will give you the other definitions

I’d definitely get rid

Let's take the "face raping" reference out of the equation. For me, just the fact that he sent op a 10 year old email from a female colleague who was bigging him up is enough of a deal breaker.

It's grossly immature and there was no logical reason to share it with the op. Why would he possibly think she would care? It's just fucking weird. Red flags are waving.

The OP doesn’t state that though, kingkuta, and is speculating, saying what she thought it meant in that context.

Given the timing of it being 10 years back, it ties to when the term became “popular”

Of course, the simple answer would simply be to ask him what his colleague meant...

If nothing else he's shown incredibly poor judgement to show that to a girlfriend. I'd ask him why he kept it and why he showed it to you OP.

@Aquamarine1029

I think this is more to the point - why the hell would he bring it up in the first place?! He’s likely some sort of manchild and best avoided.

Agree with all the PP that him attaching so much significance to a 10 year old email that he not only kept it but showed it off to you is a waving red flag of........just general inadequacy, tbh. Anyone who harks back that much to their grad recruitment days is a bit off. Some amusing anecdotes, absolutely, and having friends made at that time, of course, but this lionising of bog standard early twenties twattery? Get shot.

Go by your instincts - which keep you safe. It's a massive red flag for me.

Things were very different ten years ago, especially in certain social groups. Back then ‘face raping’ meant (consensual) snogging in my circle. Maybe translate it into 2020 slang and then see how you feel about it? Weird that he dug it out though (not weord to still have it given most people keep the same email address forever).

It's also kind of weird yoh work for the company he's harking back too. Like that was his best time and he can't let it go. Dating someone who works there, sending emails he got when he left, talking about it. It's quite sad really.

I had one like this. He presented a few scenarios like this, too, from his past, where he was on the fringes but involved, IYKWIM. He said it was presenting himself as 'warts and all' and to highlight how changed he was, how nice he was now. Sort of like, 'In the past I was a dick, but I'm not now.' He was 39 at the time I met him (I was 31).

You know what? He hadn't fundamentally changed. Leopards don't change their spots.

I was a bit wild when younger, would got out and get drunk, a few ONS's, FWBs, that sort of thing. But nothing just . . . fucking wanky.

When someone is, well, they are. He kept this and showed it to you.

That's all you need to know.

Your instincts are telling you something. LISTEN. I wish I had before I wasted my time with this bloke. Come to find out, although he put on a good front, he was fundamentally a selfish, sexist man who saw the role of women as to 'earn their crust' and pay the 50/50 because of 'equality' but do all the lifework and domestic tasks and really isn't a good person.

Get rid of him. It's easy. 'I've been doing some soul-searching and thinking and I'm really not ready for a relationship just now. I want to take some time out to focus on my career and personal relationships so I think it's best we call it quits . . . '

I'm of the belief that, deep down, people rarely change who they are. I don't quite understand why this came up-- why he even thought of sharing this with you... But if you're feeling uncomfortable, that's probably all you need to know. Something's off. Something's not right, and that's just the way it is.

You could ask him outright why he kept it and why he showed it to you. What did he hope your reaction would be? And so on... but I doubt there's anything he can say that will make you feel better about it. I'd probably back off from him, instead.

Let's take the "face raping" reference out of the equation. For me, just the fact that he sent op a 10 year old email from a female colleague who was bigging him up is enough of a deal breaker

Aquamarine has said it all.