To give up my full time job?

[Giraffe2020]

We have 3 primary school age DC. DH works long hours and often stays away. I also work full time. My job is draining and I don't particularly enjoy it but with a good company, average salary, great benefits and flexible working ethos however I do not have the option of working part time in this role.

DH is hands on when he is home but most of the time the children/house/life stuff is down to me which is hard when working full time too. I'll often have to log on when the DC Go to bed which means I'm working at 11pm just to try to fit everything in.

I find it incredibly hard and feel like I am just treading water, just about coping and sometimes not coping at all. Of course I know this is common with any family with young children. It's often a difficult juggling act and I know things will get easier as the children get older.

DH has recently set up on his own. The money is better but ultimately will mean longer hours and staying away even more often.

My AIBU is whether I should give up my secure job to join our Ltd company as an employee (I'm already a shareholder). The salary I would earn via the Ltd company would be very small but overall household income will be much higher and will easily cover my current salary. I'd also be working significantly less hours so managing home life would be so much easier.

Am I mad to consider it?

How recently did he set up the business? The first year is always a test of a new business, so I would be reluctant to take the leap because of that mainly. But also things like pension contributions, sick leave, etc - if those bits are covered, I'd try and struggle on for a bit longer (I appreciate this is easier said than done!) until the business is more established, or look for a part time or lower hours role at a different business in the meantime (assuming that DH's increased salary will still cover the difference, but without the risk of you both having all eggs in one basket).

Could be a bit risky to have all your eggs in one basket. I’d probably look for part time elsewhere to maintain your independence and at least if his business failed you would have money coming in from elsewhere.

Unless the business is well established and thriving I wouldn't just yet- so many new businesses fail in the first couple of years.

Yes the eggs in one basket and business being new are very valid points. As is me losing any financial independence. These are the things keeping me awake a night.

I'm working full time as working part time didn't appear to be financially worth while. Once we'd deducted wrap around care and holiday clubs from a part time salary, it just wasn't worth working.

Pension contributions would be covered and DH is insured for loss of earnings due to illness etc.

I wouldn’t, too much risk. The business could fail, you could split up etc.

Does your existing role pay extra for working at night or could you limit that? With you all being out of the house each day it shouldn’t take much between you to keep on top of the house stuff.

No existing role doesn't pay extra for working at night but it's the only way I can fit the hours in.

In theory the house should be easily kept on top of but the reality is that it just isn't. Housework alone isn't the issue however.

I know it's no different to the situation many others are in but with DH not around the majority of the time it really is tough going to manage it all solo. I've always thought it would feel easier if I were working part time but that has proven difficult for he reasons mentioned earlier.

I do worry about what would happen if we split up. I have 50% shareholding although I'm not sure where that would get me in the event of the relationship breaking down.

Rather than you quitting your job have you got enough funds to cover some help with the housework / childcare (eg a live in au pair or 5 hours per week on a cleaner/someone to help with laundry)? This will give you a little more flexibility whilst maintaining a stable job.

roses2 that is food for though. I'm so focussed on me doing everything that I haven't really considered outsourcing. We couldn't have live in help but someone to help with cleaning and laundry is certainly worth looking into.

*thought

Make sure you are contributing to a private pension at the same level as you are now as well as get credits for state pension.

It seems risky for both of you to be entirely dependent on his new business.
How easily could you find a new job at similar level, pay, flexibility to your current one if his business didn't work out?

What labour can you outsource?
Cleaning, laundry?
More childcare help so you can have an evening off even when he is away and do an activity/see friends/meditate/hair cut/Pilates/cinema?
What can he do while he is away - lots of household admin is online. He can do that from a hotel room. He could buy birthday presents/school uniform/supermarket deliveries online even while he is away. Research and book holidays or other logistical research.

I think everyone is focussing on the job and you maintaining the job but I also hear someone who is near a point of breaking - I don’t mean totally but I can sense you are overwhelmed. Is there the possibility of you taking a sabbatical from your current role or a period of unpaid leave - just to recuperate - as long as it doesn’t at this point affect you returning to your job.

I just feel like you need some headspace and a block of leave would help you rest a little and then see where your head is - and if your DH has set up on his own then you can see how the business is going?

I think I’d do it as I wouldn’t be able to cope with full time work, 3 children and a busy husband.

Obv you need to take care of your pension etc. In terms, of losing independence- is your relationship healthy? You certainly wouldn’t want to do it if you’re not getting on or your husband can be controlling etc.

I did this.
DH got an amazing opportunity 3000 miles away, just as I was restructured back under a boss from hell. While it has been amazing to be able to do the school runs, and be at sports day/school plays etc 5 years down the line, and back in the UK, I'm struggling to get a job. I'm either over qualified, or no recent experience (actual reasons).
With hind sight, I'd do it again. It has been dab for DHs career, the kids have benefitted from having proper breaks over half term etc esther than permanent child care. Long term effect on me is less clear.

I don't want to be a martyr but honestly DH can't do more than he does currently. When he's away it's because he's working such a long days that it isn't worth him driving home as he'd be here for such a short amount of time.

I do feel very overwhelmed. I don't have a second of space in the day that isn't filled with work, home or children and I'm still not getting everything done that I should be.

If things went wrong I could find another equally paid role but I wouldn't have the same flexibility.

My company do offer sabbaticals but I haven't worked there long enough to be eligible.

I only worked part time after Ds1 was born but due to Dh's job relocation and increased pay, it met my paultry contribution to the financial pot meaning I could become a SAHM and we would be in the same position financially. But he then built his career meaning we had another child and I never returned to work.

We are now 15 years on, I can't work due to disability but I will honestly tell you it was the best thing we ever did. Dh has had the opportunity to come to every sports day they ever had as he didn't need to use any holiday up for childcare reasons unless we wanted to.

The house is organised, food is shopped for, dinner is cooked, homework is done, Dh is able to come through the door and enjoy a meal at the table with us all. He is great with our sons. I was able to dedicate huge amounts of time to GCSE revision for Ds1, do all after school collections from clubs, take them to parties, whatever they had scheduled.

In your shoes as your Dh has just set up a new business then see if outsourcing helps at all. Giving up financial independence is a huge leap. We have been married 20 years. Re having shares in your Dh's business, he can wind that company up and start a new one very easily leaving you with nothing so there is very little protection.

SAHMing has its perks but also the drudgery of housework day in day out can be excrutiatingly dull. Luckily podcasts, audiobooks, YouTube etc can make it all worth while as you can be listening and maybe half watching whilst folding clothes or cleaning floors.

I wouldn't do that myself. I'd say at least wait until the new business has been profitable. Then if you want to give up your career to join the new business, I believe you should really hash out how much ownership, etc you will have. A lot of times women leave their own careers to raise children then find it very hard to get back in and be valued as much as they'd expect. Add to that the possibility of future divorce (not at all saying that would be your case, but it has happened to others) and the women who have given everything up end up kind of screwed.

Those would be my major concerns and things I'd be considering in your shoes.

Could you try 6 months with some paid help such as housekeeper, cleaner etc and then reassess?

Ive joined dh (our) business. I’m still struggling with day to day looking after the kids as he finishes much later than me so I just get on with it - but I’m frazzled still.

I can have time off if the kids are ill or I need to be at the school and take as many holidays as I like

BUT if we ever split - which I’m not planning on- I’d be screwed and that’s always at the back of my mind

I’d be reluctant to give up your career.

Definitely try outsourcing to see if it would help.

Cleaner for a few hours once or twice a week - be very specific what you want them to do.
Ironing - either use a company that will collect from your house or a laundrette that’s includes an ironing service.

Window cleaner & gardener.
Maybe a babysitter one evening a week so you can do something for yourself.

Trial for a few weeks one of the ready to cook meal companies - Gusto or Hello Fresh.

Thank you. Really helpful to read a different experiences and opinions.

Just to answer a question I missed, we have been married for almost 20 years. I feel secure and happy in our relationship. Everything is joint, every bit of income goes into join accts (personal and business). Nothing at all is separate.

With regards to my long term prospects, my role and income now is very different to what it was pre-children so I already feel like that ship has sailed to some degree.

Yep, if we split up I'd be screwed. That's 100%.

If the business failed it would be shit but he is the main earner anyway and he would find a job pretty quickly.

I do have 50% shares but as someone has said upthread. He could easily close the business and I'd be left with little.

Is it your DH’s business or is it in joint names?

I have given up work. My husband has been running his business for 7 years though. I will be taking a salary that is just a few hundred less than I was earning (pt teacher). I will be doing some work for the company.

We recently moved to a bigger house, bigger mortgage but his income has soared with new business in the pipeline.

I still have earning power if I really needed to so feel pretty secure. I wouldn't have done it before now though tbh but it was much easier for me being able to work part time for a decent wage.

Lippy123 the business is in joint names.