Thinking about leaving but I still love him

[Foreverblowingbubbles1]

Hi, not sure what I really need from this - some advice would be great.
So my husband is quite the nasty piece of work.. But for some utterly stupid reason I love the bones of him.
He is what I think is financially abusive? His money is not family money, he spends it on his luxuries and won't budge. I don't work due to health reasons and money that I recieve to help because I can't work at the moment is what buys our kids all they need. He wont buy me a thing without noting it down and taking the money back from me once I have it. He also won't have a joint bank account as he says I'll spend all his money?!
He makes me feel like rubbish, calls me names, he called me a fucking gimp because I asked him to put our child to bed - his reply? I'm sure I've done it once this week already, I thought you would do it.. So I took our child and he called me the above. He won't spend time with me, he spends it all on his computer - I've realised now he will only come to bed before 2am when he wants sex!
Anyway - I don't know where to go from here, I really feel so alone, I don't have family and friends to lean back on, if I were to leave, how? I have no money, no confidence, no belief in myself. I couldn't private rent really, unless at this moment they accepted benefits, and even at that I don't know how to get a deposit! How does divorce work? I'm honestly so clueless, got with this man very young after a traumatic childhood and honestly I don't know any better! AIBU to be thinking this could get better or am I fooling myself??

Hes an absolute cunt. Phone citizens advice/womans aid on monday. They will help you get away. You deserve so much better, be strong.

Please do whatever you can to get away from this man. He is abusive, and no, he won’t improve, he’ll get worse. Would you be entitled to disability benefits?

You’re married, he can say what he likes but I’d assume half the house and money and child maintaining is yours!

He sounds more than financially abusive call Women’s aid

What exactly do you love about this vile excuse for a husband? He sounds useless, boring, mean, selfish and sleazy. There are far, far better men in the world.

I don't know, I guess I feel like I couldn't cope without him, I get scared he won't let me see the kids, that scares me the most, my kids keep me going. Maybe it's habitual? Sometimes he's nice, it makes me feel so sad. Yes I get disability at the moment for my health.

He is extremely abusive.

Getting support and leaving him is a chance for you to break the cycle of abuse before your child ends up repeating it because they too have no idea what a healthy non-abusive relationship looks like.

Www.freedomprogramme.co.uk can help you make sense and learn what you should expect from a healthy relationship.

Maybe look up trauma bonding too.

Being left feeling you couldn't cope without him and the fear about the children is part of the abuse.

Abuse is about power and control. Destroying your self esteem and keeping you afraid enables him to control you.

You love the idea of him, not actually him. Do you really want to spend the rest of your life with this man?

Please also remember that your children are learning from him how to be a man/ what a man should be like and the cycle will continue.

As others have said, please contact women's aid and your local council to see what help they can give you.

I think your right about loving the idea of him. I was thinking that as I lay in bed with my son this evening, crying thinking how much I don't want him to ever carry those traits.

I get scared he won't let me see the kids, that scares me the most, my kids keep me going.

Why would you assume he would be able to keep you away from your children?

@thejollyroger I have MH issues. He's stated before that he would take the kids from me full time.. He also has said to my DD before when I've threatened to go (but had no balls) oh look, mummy leaving us for another daddy? It's sometimes easier sadly to put myself through hell.. Than putting them through it

He won’t take the kid(s) off you because he sounds like a lazy F*ck who can’t even be bothered to put them to bed. It’ll be too much like hard work. He may threaten it but I doubt he’ll go through with it. You’ll be entitled to half of everything and be much better off emotionally and financially. I’d leave.

How certain are you that those MH issues would preclude you seeing them? Don’t forget, it’s up to a judge, not him.

How old are the dc?
Can you keep a diary of abuse?

@thejollyroger I'm a bloody good mother. I know that much, it's the only single thing I have confidence in on this planet, my kids have every single need met, even if I'm having the worst day. I take my medication daily, I see my doctor every 3 weeks, I go to my psychology and psychiatry apps.. But I guess I just get scared?

@maddening kids are 2 and 5

This is where I feel really stupid because I guess it's just been drilled in? Like it's not abuse, it must be my fault, I must be doing something to trigger him.. Like tonight when he called me names - I gave myself a row - like saying I shouldn't have got cross and picked up DS, I should have dealt with it better then he wouldn't have got mad and called me names

Well, he wants you scared, doesn’t he?

Keep a diary of everything you do for the children. Write it down every time he refuses to meet their needs, insults you or denies you what you need to meet their financial needs. All of it. Use your phone and email screenshots to yourself in case it breaks or you lose it.

But jolly, why does he want me scared, why can people be so horrible? I'm the mother of his children, it just honestly knocks me down just even the thought of it, the realisation that maybe he actually does want me to suffer

‘Cos he’s a cunt.

It’s a fckimg power trip. He’s controlling and he lives the power he has over you @thejollyroger* is right, write it All down. Even if you think it’s insignificant. I hope you find the courage to leave. You are worth so much more.

*loves!

@MamaKarmaLlama thank you, that's very kind of you to say, I just wish I could belive it myself.

@Foreverblowingbubbles1 people who love each other do not call one another names. They are kind and respectful and helpful. They want to share bringing up a family. They want to bolster you up, not bring you down. They don’t control or hurt or gaslight. Hope that one day you are in a positive, loving relationship.

Ah bless you.
It sounds like he has smashed your confidence in yourself. He is not going to make you feel good about yourself and he won't change. It's not a good environment to live in with your kids and there is much more to life.

Seek some advice, there's a lot of support out there for women in your situation. It's a lot easier said than done when you're not in the relationship but have some self belief that you do not deserve to be treat like that by anyone.

Do you love him or do you love the idea of him?