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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Thinking about leaving but I still love him

61 replies

Foreverblowingbubbles1 · 03/01/2020 19:50

Hi, not sure what I really need from this - some advice would be great.
So my husband is quite the nasty piece of work.. But for some utterly stupid reason I love the bones of him.
He is what I think is financially abusive? His money is not family money, he spends it on his luxuries and won't budge. I don't work due to health reasons and money that I recieve to help because I can't work at the moment is what buys our kids all they need. He wont buy me a thing without noting it down and taking the money back from me once I have it. He also won't have a joint bank account as he says I'll spend all his money?!
He makes me feel like rubbish, calls me names, he called me a fucking gimp because I asked him to put our child to bed - his reply? I'm sure I've done it once this week already, I thought you would do it.. So I took our child and he called me the above. He won't spend time with me, he spends it all on his computer - I've realised now he will only come to bed before 2am when he wants sex!
Anyway - I don't know where to go from here, I really feel so alone, I don't have family and friends to lean back on, if I were to leave, how? I have no money, no confidence, no belief in myself. I couldn't private rent really, unless at this moment they accepted benefits, and even at that I don't know how to get a deposit! How does divorce work? I'm honestly so clueless, got with this man very young after a traumatic childhood and honestly I don't know any better! AIBU to be thinking this could get better or am I fooling myself??

OP posts:
Original poster
Foreverblowingbubbles1 · 03/01/2020 21:28

@redmum87 - I love him, I think, I would still stupidly walk to the end of the earth for him, I know I'm stupid. He is all I've ever known. Thank you

OP posts:
Hahaha88 · 03/01/2020 21:43

I'm sorry but you are not doing best by your kids to stay in this relationship. He's a vile man whose abusive to you, do you want your kids to think that's normal.

katy1213 · 03/01/2020 21:43

You are fooling yourself into believing that you love him; you don't, you don't even like him, but he came into your life at a time when you were vulnerable. You will have so much more self-confidence once you get rid of him.

katy1213 · 03/01/2020 21:46

He is all you have ever known ... exactly! That's why you need to get out and know that there is so much more out there, whether that's meeting someone decent or managing just fine on your own. If you walked to the end of the earth for him, it still wouldn't be good enough, would it?

Original poster
Foreverblowingbubbles1 · 03/01/2020 22:01

Of course that's not what I want. My children are my only priority. No, I don't think it would be sadly. I probably won't ever be good enough for him.

OP posts:
MamaKarmaLlama · 03/01/2020 23:00

Think about what you are teaching your children about relationships. Do you really want them to follow in your footsteps?

ferntwist · 03/01/2020 23:05

You deserve so much more than this. Why is this better than being on your own with your children surrounded with love rather than fear and anger? There is a lot of help out there for you, some financial and some organisational. Like PPs have said, call Women’s Aid and Citizens Advice in the morning. Don’t let your kids get damaged by this.

Original poster
Foreverblowingbubbles1 · 03/01/2020 23:05

Absolutely not @MamaKarmaLlama. He come in to the room I'm in about 10 mins ago and asked me a question, I replied but not in my normal cheery way.. He just huffed, said he's fucking sick of me and walked out. Its almost like he just thinks he can call me whatever he likes.. And then when he feels like it.. Pretend it never happened.

OP posts:
Original poster
Foreverblowingbubbles1 · 03/01/2020 23:08

@ferntwist thank you. Please let it be known, my children are my main priority but I do agree that I can't possibly shield them from everything and therefore I need to sort this situation out before it does affect them. I don't ever want my children to suffer.

OP posts:
redmum87 · 03/01/2020 23:48

It's very easy for people on the outside to say what you need to do and it can be very difficult when you've been with someone for so long. But his is not a loving relationship. It sounds like your self esteem is on the floor, if you're willing to walk to the end of the world for someone that is just not even showing you any decency or kindness.

You deserve to be treat better than that, and you should love yourself enough to not put up with it. What would you say to your kids if they were in a relationship with someone who treat them like that? You're a person with feelings. What gives him the right to treat you like that? Or anyone?

I'm not trying to lecture you I am just trying to put a rational spin on it for you to try and think of it differently. He doesn't deserve your love. Xx

FarTooMuchWashing · 04/01/2020 08:25

That sounds dreadful for you and your kids.
I think that talking to someone from Women’s Aid or similar would be a good thing to start with. They can help you with your options. Good luck.
You might also want to consider taking small steps that will help you when you’re ready to take bigger steps such as leaving him.
You might want to consider getting and putting in a safe place copies of financial documents such as mortgage statement, bank account statements, passports, wage slips. If you have a smart phone, you could photograph them on your phone if you’re confident that’s a safe place to keep them. Or set up a new private email account and then send the photos there, then you delete them (and the emails) off your phone.

MamaKarmaLlama · 04/01/2020 08:40

I would definitely recommend looking for help. If he’s calling you names in front of the kids they are already being exposed to this toxicity. Children are sponges and you may think they are young and oblivious but it’s amazing what they pick up on.

Original poster
Foreverblowingbubbles1 · 04/01/2020 08:48

Thank you all for your replies. Its a hard pill to swallow. I will look around at my options, and see if I can begin to make sense of my next steps. I do appreciate the support so much X

OP posts:
Original poster
Foreverblowingbubbles1 · 04/01/2020 08:52

@redmum87 I think I would kick my DS up the arse if he ever treat his wife - or any another human like that.. My daughter, I would probably be absolutely devastated and tell her as I've been told, she deserves somebody who absolutely adores her. I know your not lecturing & just supporting. Thank you X

OP posts:
lisag1969 · 04/01/2020 09:01

This won't get any better. Please leave with your child or make him leave.
You both deserve better. Believe me you will be so much happier. Please find the strength to move on and you will start to grow in conflict.
Maybe contact women's aid you are not alone. X

ferntwist · 04/01/2020 09:07

You’re obviously a great mum. Now you need to do the right thing for your kids and yourself as well.

Original poster
Foreverblowingbubbles1 · 04/01/2020 09:10

Thank you, i try my best, had a pretty traumatic childhood and swore I would never allow my children to have that life.. Time to make some changes I think Xx

OP posts:
lisag1969 · 04/01/2020 09:11

He wants you scared cause it makes him feel powerful. He's a bullying CUNT.
Maybe he learnt it from one of his parents.
Have you ever thought you are not feeling well because of him.
Maybe other things too, as I'm not sure of your history. But I bet you. He is making you worse.
Please find the strength to leave.
Your kids will be so much happier if you leave and so will you. Believe me. X
You are not better off staying he won't get your kids. He's just using that as a tool to keep you under his thumb x

BlueSuffragette · 04/01/2020 09:18

You and your children deserve so much more. He us an abusive bully who has no love or respect for you. If your daughter was you then I'm sure youd tell her to leave. Listen to your own advice. Get help from womens aid and start a better future for you and your children.

Original poster
Foreverblowingbubbles1 · 04/01/2020 09:19

@lisag1969 I feel extremely stupid because when your saying these things for some reason my brain just won't accept it, even though in my heart I know it's the truth. I just keep thinking it's all my fault. Sometimes I think about being myself, with the kids and having a nice home, we're happy.. But then reality hits.. I don't have family, or friends, and on disability benefits, how on earth am I supposed to make that life that my children deserve? What if I can't and I fail them? These things whizz around my head daily x

OP posts:
Songsofexperience · 04/01/2020 09:19

He's stated before that he would take the kids from me full time..

If for him putting his kids to bed once a week is a huge effort he won't want them full time. He won't cope. Plus he loves his money more than he loves them.
He might want to prove a point and ask for full time custody just because he's a horrible little worm but reality will look quite different.
He is abusive and I'm pretty sure financial control is now an offence.
YOU are the one in power here. Leave this pathetic excuse of a 'man'.

BlueSuffragette · 04/01/2020 10:07

No way would he want 100% custody of your young children. He just says that as part of the abuse. I'd just quietly get advice from womens aid. They will help you to leave him. As you are married you will be entitled to a share of any financial assets. You will be ok. Just start the ball rolling to leave but don't tell him until the day you go. Keep posting here. People will give you advice and support. New year, new life. You owe it to yourself and your children.

lisag1969 · 04/01/2020 10:55

@Foreverblowingbubbles1

Firstly you are not stupid you sound like a lovely person and a fantastic mother. You have been made to feel stupid, but you are not. I have been there it took me 7 years to leave. I did it, it was hard at first but the greatest thing I have ever ever done. Today I am a more confident and happy person. I still suffer with anxiety but you cannot have it all.
You won't fail you are a more powerful woman than you think.
You will receive more financial help if you are alone too.
You and your children will be so much happier after the initial getting used to it.
It will be hard in the beginning and then you will see a rainbow 🌈. You will be better off financially, emotionally and mentally. We are all here to listen to you and help you through it and tell you of our experiences, and before you ask know we won't get fed up of listening to you , we will help and advise you you are stronger than you think and we know it.
You deserve to be happy xxxx

Zaphodsotherhead · 04/01/2020 11:06

If it's too scary for you to face doing one big thing - leaving...can you try doing smaller things instead?

You said you see your GP and other professionals regularly - is there any way you could mention to them that you are suffering domestic abuse? They should really know the conditions you are living under in order to best treat you, so it would only be being honest, wouldn't it? Maybe open up to them and see if there's any help that they can offer you.

You are doing your best now, imagine how much better you can do if you aren't constantly living in fear or being belittled by a man who seems to want to treat you worse than most people would treat a dog.

Strongmummy · 04/01/2020 11:10

You are NOT stupid. You are ABUSED. He had ground you down. I don’t think you even love him if I’m honest. He has made you RELIANT on him and you now feel lost without him. As others have said please call CAB and Women’s AID. It is essential you leave this vile man and live the life you deserve to live

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