Why is DH lying to me over ex and step children

[BigOldOakTree]

How do you deal with a husband lying to you? It's not big things, but important nevertheless. Here's two examples, by means not the only examples so please don't say 'well if that's all he's lied about it's nothing', just two examples which give a reflection of the subjects:

1. Step children's mother asks for extra nights over school holidays. We have his children approx 10 nights a month (as agreed by dh and ex - extra if she's away with work). At school holidays he agrees to a couple of extra days. I asked about this over Christmas, I asked if we were having an extra days (so I could get extra food, sort their rooms, etc). He told me hadn't heard so no we weren't. Not true, she had asked and they'd discussed it but agreed he would do extra in January when she's away quite a lot.

1. Step daughter not getting on with mum, she's 15 so not unusual. Asked if she could come and stay at ours. I saw the text flash up on his phone when he was in the loo, I didn't say anything. Next day I asked if he'd heard from her, he blatantly lied and said he hadn't.

He's sounding like a bad dad here, which he's not, he pays well over what he needs to for maintenance, has the kids extra regularly if ex is away working, always sticks to his plans, never late picking up, everything he should be doing, so I'm not sure why he's lying to me about this stuff?

Maybe he just finds the mum and daughter drama a bit much and is hoping to not get stuck in the middle of it .

Do you kick off over the dc staying extra? Tbh I dont thinking fair reading his messages from his 15 year old dd, its private and he might have handled it.

He's probably trying to put boundaries in place, he'd obviously conscious that if not kept reigned in the whole contact system starts to unravel.
He's sensible not to get involved with the Mother/Daughter fallouts. He's again obviously keen not to have her play one against the other.

Maybe he is worried you will think he is a walkover always agreeing to ex demands??

Maybe he thinks it's his daughter's business what personal stuff she's spoken to him about. He'd have a point.

It may be his kids but it's also your home so any decisions should be discussed at least. How is he going to explain the kids suddenly coming over extra days in jan, or his dd wanting to come stay permanently. This involves you so he shouldn't be lying.

Thanks for the advice some helpful responses.

If it's just his daughter's and his business where do I come into it? it's also my home? Do I not get a say who lives here too?

Yes it’s a joint decision. But people tend to lie because they can’t deal with the fallout of the truth. Or the reaction of others

It all seems to be about the step kids staying more. So you perhaps just need to sit down and work out between you when does and doesn’t work.
Most people aren’t compulsive liars.

It sounds to me like he is leaving communicating on some things until it will actually affect you.

For example, in secondary schools we regularly hear about teens wanting to run between mum and dad when separated, grass is greener, don't get on with one or are sanctioned by one so decide to try and flounce to the other. The vast majority of the time no movement actually happens with their living arrangements. It's just teens being teens.

Maybe he's avoiding fuelling drama and is keeping things simple. It sounds like there's no form plans that affect you as yet and when he knows when ex is going away and has dates, I'd guess he would speak to you about this.

If it's just his daughter's and his business where do I come into it? it's also my home? Do I not get a say who lives here too?

Surely if you marry a man with children you have to accept that at some point they may live with you? Are you really suggesting you'd expect him to say no to his DD if you weren't happy with it?

Perhaps he doesn't see the point in discussing it until it's a realistic prospect. Especially if there is a chance you and he will disagree on things?

I think it's odd that he's lying about this and I wouldn't like it. Maybe he is saying no to his children staying and blaming you so he doesn't look like the bad guy.

Reading his messages is wrong. Him not staying would to me say that there’s an issue when the children come extra.

Op didn't read his messages she saw it flash up and her husband is actively lying to her. In any other circumstance everyone would be saying ltb hes a liar.

It's common curtosey to inform members of a household who is likely to be living /
staying there and lying about it it weird.
Nothing in the op suggests that she has an issue with them staying. She has an issue with her husband lying to her.

Surely if you marry a man with children you have to accept that at some point they may live with you? Are you really suggesting you'd expect him to say no to his DD if you weren't happy with it?

It's not about the op saying no, she's already said the reason she asked about Xmas was to ensure she has enough food and to get their rooms ready.

What it is about, is having a bit of respect for your partner. I'd never agree or discuss arrangements with my ex without consulting my dh first, it's only respectful, especially if he's usually the one buying food and ensuring they have everything they need for their stay, being around after school etc for them. For all her she knows, she might have arranged to go out in Jan when they are due to stay but he needs her help looking after them.

It seems that your husband is trying to keep the peace here.he likely doesnt want a fight or feel guilty if he has said yes to extra.

He cant lie when they arrive though surely?!

Do you have any kind of history of complaining about his DC being there more often?

To be honest, they're his children and they should be welcome at all times.

It's not about the op saying no, she's already said the reason she asked about Xmas was to ensure she has enough food and to get their rooms ready.

Surely their dad can deal with that?

Do you have issues with his dc staying over? You married a man who has dc they come as part of a package. What would you do if heaven forbid the mother became I'll and was unable to care for them?

So he’s agreeing to these things and then not telling you?

At what point will he tell you what he’s arranged and how?

*It's not about the op saying no, she's already said the reason she asked about Xmas was to ensure she has enough food and to get their rooms ready.

Surely their dad can deal with that?*

Then the op would be accused of not helping or being involved with her SC. Can't win on threads like this.

It's just common courtesy to let your partner know what's happening as soon as he finds out. I'm pretty sure my dh wouldn't be best pleased with me if I simply dropped my kids on us both without a thought or care for his plans. Especially if I knew days or even weeks in advance and simply didn't bother to tell him, or even worse, actually lie about knowing.

Dps children are welcome at all times but if I asked him if they were coming and he said no when they were I'd be annoyed. Not by their presence but the lying. Why are posters defending the lying?

This would be a problem for me, OP. Not sure why so many posters think it's ok.

I also find the lying weird and problematic. What’s to stop him lying about other things too?

Sounds like he had made his mind up and didn't want his daughter to come over, maybe he was worried you would say yes of course she can?

Or it would be worth considering what your response would be and why he might try to avoid this.