Why is DH lying to me over ex and step children

[BigOldOakTree]

How do you deal with a husband lying to you? It's not big things, but important nevertheless. Here's two examples, by means not the only examples so please don't say 'well if that's all he's lied about it's nothing', just two examples which give a reflection of the subjects:

1. Step children's mother asks for extra nights over school holidays. We have his children approx 10 nights a month (as agreed by dh and ex - extra if she's away with work). At school holidays he agrees to a couple of extra days. I asked about this over Christmas, I asked if we were having an extra days (so I could get extra food, sort their rooms, etc). He told me hadn't heard so no we weren't. Not true, she had asked and they'd discussed it but agreed he would do extra in January when she's away quite a lot.

1. Step daughter not getting on with mum, she's 15 so not unusual. Asked if she could come and stay at ours. I saw the text flash up on his phone when he was in the loo, I didn't say anything. Next day I asked if he'd heard from her, he blatantly lied and said he hadn't.

He's sounding like a bad dad here, which he's not, he pays well over what he needs to for maintenance, has the kids extra regularly if ex is away working, always sticks to his plans, never late picking up, everything he should be doing, so I'm not sure why he's lying to me about this stuff?

The ops husband lies to her. Why are people scrabbling around to find reasons it might be her fault?

The ops husband lies to her. Why are people scrabbling around to find reasons it might be her fault?

That would be because she’s a step mum so will never be right for some on here.

YANBU OP. Have you asked him why he lies? Is is only about the step kids or is it other things too?

Most lies of this type are for an easy life

“Get their rooms ready”?
I know it’s not point of your thread, but this includes a 15yo and they live with you a third of the time.
What does this mean? (turn down service and a chocolate on the pillow?)
And more importantly... why isn’t their dad doing it?

YANBU I'd want to know why he's lying though - have his SC been a source of conflict? Guilt on his part? I don't think she should ever refuse them staying but of course she would want to know because it'll affect her. It's also indicative of an issue if DH feels the need to lie.

For goodness sake op! What on earth are you doing?! Let him sort out his own children's rooms and food! Why have you taken on that responsibility?!

Stop being so controlling. He probably feels he has to lie to you because of your negative reaction.

Just say, my darling husband, you are a great dad and provider, sorry if you think I don't welcome your children if you think you can't tell me the truth about when they are coming. In future, I won't be sorting out their rooms or cooking for them as that is your job.

He didn't lie in example 1 though did he? You asked if the children were coming extra over Christmas, he said no.

I’m in two minds -

I’m a planner and like to know stuff in advance

But also when my adult dd messages me about stuff that’s personal I don’t always tell dh (not her dad) because I can’t be arsed having to explain stuff that doesn’t effect him or will be a mute point shortly down the road. As I know he will ask question after question and if I’m not in full receipt of the facts there is just no point. Plus there is the chance he will give his two pennies worth about the situation which could end up pissing me off.

What other lies does he tell?

Its avoidance. I think it is the same modern phenomenon of permissive fathers (anything to keep the peace).

That way lies emotions and wimmin.

Therefore, lying is justifyable to avoid engaging with emotions.

If it's just his daughter's and his business where do I come into it? it's also my home? Do I not get a say who lives here too?

I would say you do have a right to know but only when it’s going to effect you or looks like it’s a definite.

He could have said though ‘no extra days in December but some in January’

How do you get on with his kids?

Sounds to me like he doesn't want to discuss it with you full stop. He's making decisions and will only tell you if it impacts on you or they are coming.

My DP doesn't tell me everything, mainly because it's either not that important or he wants to keep me out of any conflict or not bog me down with details.

Saying that, if it comes to have his children more he would keep me informed as that effects me and my children too - in fact we never agree to any schedule changes without discussing first.

@Prettyvase buying enough food for your step children isn't controlling. If someone on here was a step mum and said they refused to buy enough food because its not their responsibility they'd get a pretty poor reception.

He doesn't want you to find out that he is unable to stand up to his ex/child, because it's embarrassing.

I think 1. Could have been a bit if a communication issue. You asked about ‘over Christmas’ and he said ‘No’ singe didn’t lie, but he didn’t tell you the full facts either ‘but I’ve agreed to have them more in January.

1. Bare faced lie. NO excuse.

You need to talk.

I’ve always made it very clear I can deal with anything except for lies (& that includes lying by omission or deception).

I’d rather have stuff out in the open & any issues discussed - than be ‘handled’ by some git who thinks lying for an easy life is the way forward. ‘I didn’t want to upset you’ is NOT acceptable to me

Talk to him, tell him you’ve seen the messages and want to know WHY he’s lying to you

If there are issues with the kids being there you need to both be honest about it.

My DP does this, he forgets to let me know or if I ask he says he forgets they had arranged it.

Its your home too and yes you should now who is staying and when, this isn’t you having a say in his relationship with his DD this is just respectfully acknowledging that you should know when she’s there as it affects your day to day too.

Definitely not a last minute oh I’m picking DD up at 3 kinda thing.

That would be because she’s a step mum so will never be right for some on here.
Oh god don't be such a martyr. I've never noticed any animosity towards step mums here at all. The reason people are trying to work out why her DH is lying is because there's no obvious motive. There must be a reason he even bothers to lie since there's nothing particularly in it for him. It's not necessarily OP's fault but there could be some underlying tension and it's hard to give advise without knowing.

What an absolutely mean-spirited post and way of thinking @KylieKoKo! If you buy MORE than needed then it doesn't matter if you have a couple of extras, surely?

Why on earth would anybody buy the exact amount or less if you have extras in your family?

How anal.

@Prettyvase I'm a bit confused. I was responding to you telling the op not to by the step children food and telling her she's controlling....

@PrettyVase I'm hardly being controlling, I just want to make sure there's extra food in the house! Two teenagers eat a lot and as I normally only cook for two, we definitely need extra if they're coming to us for a night or two!

If I didn't feed them could you imagine the reaction I'd get on here!

@InACheeseAndPickle if you've never read any step mum animosity on here, please search step mum and you'll find it very easily. A lot of posters want to find fault in step mums even when there is none to find, this thread is a perfect example.

@BigOldOakTree

I've read no one here who is trying to find fault with OP because she's a step mum. I agree with the PP it's a very odd thing for her DH to lie about and it's important to know why he's lying. Have there been issues or arguments about the step kids before? That doesn't mean OP is to blame but it does affect the answers people will give. That isn't some conspiracy against step mums!

I suggest you don't ask if they're coming over, then when there is not enough food, tell him to go and buy it, as he didn't tell you in advance.

Unless he feels the inconvenience of the late notification, then he won't stop it.

I am not sure the examples you give are much cause for concern but you say they are just examples so maybe there is stuff that is.

I think by asking questions you know the answer too, i.e. trying to catch him out, you are not behaving much better. Couldn’t you just say ‘I saw the text Pop up from DD is she ok?’ If you wanted a conversation about it? Sounds like she is just sounding off to her dad and he does not need to go into this with you unless it affects you i.e. that she is coming to stay at yours.

All these issues are to do with the step kids are those just the examples you chose or is it isolated to them that he lies? If so I'd firstly stop doing their rooms and getting food in - he can just go to the shop himself it'll be fine. Secondly I'd get to the bottom of why he's lying about them? Is this a source of tension in your relationship?

Honestly this is a joke.

If you knowingly have teenagers around you have to cook for 4 and not 2 surely it can't be that hard to cater for a couple of extras to cause such fuss for you?!

If it's too much effort perhaps your dh is lying because he doesn't want to provoke you by giving you extra work?!

I still don't understand why you adopt all the wifework just because you are a stepmum?

I would expect my dh to cater for his teenage children and ask him what's for dinner just as his teenagers would.

If you let your dh sort out his own DC may be he won't have reason to lie to you?!