Why is DH lying to me over ex and step children

[BigOldOakTree]

How do you deal with a husband lying to you? It's not big things, but important nevertheless. Here's two examples, by means not the only examples so please don't say 'well if that's all he's lied about it's nothing', just two examples which give a reflection of the subjects:

1. Step children's mother asks for extra nights over school holidays. We have his children approx 10 nights a month (as agreed by dh and ex - extra if she's away with work). At school holidays he agrees to a couple of extra days. I asked about this over Christmas, I asked if we were having an extra days (so I could get extra food, sort their rooms, etc). He told me hadn't heard so no we weren't. Not true, she had asked and they'd discussed it but agreed he would do extra in January when she's away quite a lot.

1. Step daughter not getting on with mum, she's 15 so not unusual. Asked if she could come and stay at ours. I saw the text flash up on his phone when he was in the loo, I didn't say anything. Next day I asked if he'd heard from her, he blatantly lied and said he hadn't.

He's sounding like a bad dad here, which he's not, he pays well over what he needs to for maintenance, has the kids extra regularly if ex is away working, always sticks to his plans, never late picking up, everything he should be doing, so I'm not sure why he's lying to me about this stuff?

Everyone seems to be focusing on the dc here, at no point has the op said she doesn't like or has any issues with the dc at all, sounds like she treats the dc as her own and 'happy' (this is the important thing here) to look after and ensure they feel welcome. The issue is her dh is lying, if this was any other subject other than dc it would get a different response.

My dh lies about where he is
My dh lies about who he goes out with
My dh lies about conversations he has

We'd all be up in arms about it

My dh lies about his dc - it's the OP fault because she obviously doesn't like the dc. It's the OP fault as her dh is scared of her reaction, it's the OP fault as she provides for her sc rather than making her dh do it

I honestly think step mothers can't win on mn. The op is getting a bashing for wanting to make the room nice and getting food in and not leaving it to her oh. If she'd said it's my ohs responsibility she'd get flamed. For not embracing and welcoming the sd.

Sounds controlling to me as she is not their mum so shouldn't adopt the mum role.

In my opinion anyway

There's some anti step mum feeling on MN, but I dont think most responses here are unreasonable.

He's not getting involved in a disagreement between his child and her mother. There's no firm plans in place regarding his child staying in January (it sounds no more than saying you'll see someone in the new year and then the plans come later), so there's nothing to be annoyed about here.
It's unusual to brush it off and say there's no contact, but equally why have the discussion when there's nothing affecting the OP here.

This is odd. Can you think of any reason why he is lying. It seems like he doesn’t want to involve you in any of the arrangements - but doesn’t make sense.

Don’t think it’s unreasonable to expect him to discuss e arrangements openly. I don’t see why is would be a secret.

I think you need to ask him.

Yanbu!

With the mother/daughter arguments I suspect he just didn't want to talk about it. Perhaps the dd has a history of being fickle and changing her mind, perhaps he was hoping that they would make up quickly?

With regards to the extra days , playing Devil's Advocate here but if he's back at work, Xmas could have meant the days that he was at work? He might have thought January isn't Xmas?

Personally I don't think it's controlling to want to know if you have 2 extra people to cook for. It's easy to turn spaghetti bolognese for 2 into spaghetti bolognese for 4 but if dinner involves say a salmon steak each then you need 2 extra salmon fillets which is an extra pack. Plus it's nice to have food that the kids like. They might like a glass of Fanta with dinner but you might only buy Fanta when they come round.

That would drive me nuts OP. I’m a SM and any changes to contact are agreed by both of us. I live here, our shared child lives here, we make plans together. If I found out he was lying to me I’d be livid and we’d be having serious words.