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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To invite old pal to lunch?

63 replies

Christmadtree · 03/01/2020 07:45

I had my first DC 4 months ago, I'm estranged from most of my family and have been for a number of years now. We live 2hrs away from my hometown so i rarely go back, other than to see 1 sibling I keep in touch with.

My closest friend through school and early 20s messaged over Xmas asking how we were etc. We haven't been good at keeping in touch since I moved away, maybe seen her 2 or 3 times and send the odd message at birthdays etc. She is still close friends with my sibling and knew I was pregnant via them. Her gran lives around 20 mins from us and she's visiting over Xmas and said it would be good to catch up, I invited her over for lunch today since she's in the area.

Friend and DP are quite similar but never exactly gelled on the couple of times they've met over the last 6 years. He thinks she doesn't like him and vice versa, they just don't know each other well enough imo and I tell them both this. No major incidents or falling out between them.

DP is at work today but is now angry I invited her over to our house and said I shouldn't have as "its our house and our daughter" . He's unlikely to see her at all but has said if he comes home and she's here, he'll ask her to leave. He's really upset about me inviting her round.

To me it's just nice to have company and to connect with that part of my life again, especially given my family situation. He doesn't see the point as we've not been close in so long and doesn't want someone he doesn't like in our house and meeting our daughter.

AIBU inviting her round?

OP posts:
Fleaminraging · 03/01/2020 07:48

That's a very extreme reaction from DH who just hasn't "gelled" with your friend.

puds11 · 03/01/2020 07:49

It’s your house too Hmm

PaprikaPringle · 03/01/2020 07:50

Is he normally such a prick?

Tell him you'll let him know when she's gone then he can come home. Let him know how isolating it is to be at home with a baby when you have no family support.

Stann86 · 03/01/2020 07:50

YANBU. You don't have to regularly see someone to consider them a friend and you have every right to see them in your home. Your husband's response seems rather OTT? Does he vet all your friends that come to the house or are around your daughter? If not then why this one? It just feels that something else must have happened to make him really dislike your friend. You should definitely see your friend and if your husband is going to be particularly awkward about it arrange to meet out.

Modestandatinybitsexy · 03/01/2020 07:51

Surely the point is that she's your friend and you like her? Very controlling of him to decide you can't have someone over because he doesn't like them when he won't even be there!

If he's normally reasonable then you need to talk to him and explain how you would like to maintain some links with your past. If you don't thing that conversation will go well then I think you have bigger problems.

sauvignonblancplz · 03/01/2020 07:52

So if there hasn’t been a major falling out there’s no real reason why she shouldn’t come and visit.
You sound quite isolated OP, I would consider this a red flag if I’m honest.

IHaveAnOutie · 03/01/2020 07:56

Is the reason you're estranged from your family anything to do with your DP?

joystir59 · 03/01/2020 07:56

It makes me wonder if your DP has had anything to do with your estrangement from your family tbh. Do you think he wants you isolated from everyone?

Ragwort · 03/01/2020 08:00

He sounds totally controlling, I have friends my DH doesn’t particularly want to ‘socialise’ with, and he has friends that I’m don’t really want to spend time with, nothing wrong with the friends, just different sorts of people, but there is noway we would tell each other not to invite them round or to meet them. It sounds very disrespectful.

Sharkyfan · 03/01/2020 08:01

Is he normally that controlling?

Oysterbabe · 03/01/2020 08:03

That's a really odd reaction from him.
What a controlling arsehole.

WatchingFromTheWings · 03/01/2020 08:07

I'd be concerned he's trying to cut you off from everyone. You're 2 hours away from family who you rarely see and he's being a twat about your friend. I was in the same situation as you once. Once I was cut off from everyone and tied down with kids the abuse escalated. You need to nip this in the bud now.

DukeChatsworth · 03/01/2020 08:09

Does your DP prefer you to only have him and keep you quite isolated?

Seems a red flag to me.

Equanimitas · 03/01/2020 08:11

Is your DH planning on vetting everyone who meets your daughter or comes to your house, including people like doctors, health visitors, nursery workers, teachers, all her friends and every child in her class? He's being pretty ridiculous.

Babooshkar · 03/01/2020 08:12

Why is your DP so controlling and is he usually this possessive and childish?

Butchyrestingface · 03/01/2020 08:12

DP is at work today but is now angry I invited her over to our house and said I shouldn't have as "its our house and our daughter"

Eh? In what way is having your friend round a denial of this?

Do you think he’ll time coming home from work so he can find her there and ask her to leave?

He sounds like a horror.

Sparklybaublefest · 03/01/2020 08:12

He has the wrong attitude op.
agree with above, is he like this with your family?
what a worry if so

user1480880826 · 03/01/2020 08:15

There must be something you’re not telling us. That’s a very extreme reaction to someone he just hasn’t gelled with. Someone would have had to really offend me before I would kick them out of my house.

TheLittleBrownFox · 03/01/2020 08:15

Dickead move from your DP and massive red flag. Don her let him isolate you from your friends. Is itvposibe that they didn't result gel because she can see his dickheadedness?

pinkdelight · 03/01/2020 08:15

What on earth does 'its our house and our daughter' have to do with it? What does he think she's going to do to your daugher?? He's being absolutely ridiculous and there is nothing wrong whatsoever in you having an old friend over even if he hated her guts and you hadn't seen her for a decade. Really makes me wonder how else he twists things to keep you cut off.

pinkdelight · 03/01/2020 08:17

Very good point by brownfox above - sounds like he's worried she might point out his dickishness to you.

GabriellaMontez · 03/01/2020 08:17

Has he done anything like this before?

sonjadog · 03/01/2020 08:18

It sounds like a very over the top reaction from your DH.

Original poster
Christmadtree · 03/01/2020 08:22

No he's nothing to do with the estranged family, my 'D' M has severe mental health issues and cut me off. She's done this on and off with different people all my life, this time I just haven't wanted to let her back in once she decided to be 'friends' again. It really is for the best.

We have a decent social life otherwise but are both introverts.

OP posts:
ByeMF · 03/01/2020 08:23

Your husband's behaviour isn't normal. Either there is more to the backstory between him and your friend, or he is a dick.
But this isn't you being unreasonable. He is being completely bonkers unreasonable.