Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To invite old pal to lunch?

63 replies

Christmadtree · 03/01/2020 07:45

I had my first DC 4 months ago, I'm estranged from most of my family and have been for a number of years now. We live 2hrs away from my hometown so i rarely go back, other than to see 1 sibling I keep in touch with.

My closest friend through school and early 20s messaged over Xmas asking how we were etc. We haven't been good at keeping in touch since I moved away, maybe seen her 2 or 3 times and send the odd message at birthdays etc. She is still close friends with my sibling and knew I was pregnant via them. Her gran lives around 20 mins from us and she's visiting over Xmas and said it would be good to catch up, I invited her over for lunch today since she's in the area.

Friend and DP are quite similar but never exactly gelled on the couple of times they've met over the last 6 years. He thinks she doesn't like him and vice versa, they just don't know each other well enough imo and I tell them both this. No major incidents or falling out between them.

DP is at work today but is now angry I invited her over to our house and said I shouldn't have as "its our house and our daughter" . He's unlikely to see her at all but has said if he comes home and she's here, he'll ask her to leave. He's really upset about me inviting her round.

To me it's just nice to have company and to connect with that part of my life again, especially given my family situation. He doesn't see the point as we've not been close in so long and doesn't want someone he doesn't like in our house and meeting our daughter.

AIBU inviting her round?

OP posts:
NaomifromMilshake · 03/01/2020 08:23

Two things, he is either trying to isolate you further, or they have history.

NaomifromMilshake · 03/01/2020 08:24

I see @ByeMFByeMF thinks the same.

Grobagsforever · 03/01/2020 08:26

Has his controlling behaviour escalated in other ways since your became pregnant and gave birth?

GiveHerHellFromUs · 03/01/2020 08:28

Does he normally have an issue with your friends coming to your house?

littleduckeggblue · 03/01/2020 08:32

Your DH sounds very controlling. Not a healthy relationship

Sharkyfan · 03/01/2020 08:35

If he’s normally fine about people and hasn’t had this reaction before and it’s just to do with this particular friend, then there must be more to it either that you’re not aware of, or that you haven’t shared here.

parababe · 03/01/2020 08:41

Sounds a bit of an extreme reaction from your DP - If there have really been no major 'falling out' issues between them then I would have to consider that something had happened between them that I was never made aware of.....

xoxoluna · 03/01/2020 08:43

The first thing that came to my mind when reading your post is that the two of them have some sort of "history"...

Morgan12 · 03/01/2020 08:55

Yep. Something happened that you don't know about I reckon. Reaction is just too weird.

LotteLupin · 03/01/2020 09:09

Reaction is ott. There must surely be more to this? Maybe that you don't know about?

MoveOnTheCards · 03/01/2020 09:09

Yup, agree with PPs. Either he’s massively controlling or there’s history between the two. Either way he clearly doesn’t want you two to reconnect.

Mlou32 · 03/01/2020 09:24

How dare he. If my partner didn't have many people in his life I'd be delighted that he was having a friend over, regardless of whether I liked them or not. Because i care about him and want him to be happy. Your DP sounds very controlling and not a very nice man.

See the friend but maybe go out together for lunch. That way you'll not be stressing and clock watching to see if he's going to be back soon and start a scene.

But you do need to tell him firmly that you won't stand for him controlling your relationships. I'm.sure he won't be happy but you have to stand up for yourself.

FeigningHorror · 03/01/2020 09:26

Does he realise that him liking her or not is completely irrelevant to you maintaining a friendship with her?

QueenofallIsee · 03/01/2020 09:31

Jesus Christ, ‘not gelled’! He seems to be implying that she is unhinged and should not be trusted around your child....either your husband is a borderline abusive arsehole that is trying to sabotage your friendships, or there is a serious issue that you are unaware of/not telling us. She knows something about him or he fears her behaviour

Honeyroar · 03/01/2020 09:38

Very controlling, not normal behaviour from him. How dare he throw your friend out if he comes back and she’s there. What did you repl? I’d go too and never come back if my husband pulled it stunt like that!

storm11111 · 03/01/2020 10:12

Hi Husband,

Not sure you notified me of the rule change whereby you have vetting rights over my friends. Kate is one of my oldest friends and you may not see the point, however, you don't have to. It's my friend and I want to see her.

I'm pretty upset that you want to prevent me from seeing her when you have no good reason to do so and you seem to think your within your rights to do so which seems uncharacteristically controlling, is there something you're not telling me because this reaction does not seem reasonable or proportionate to having an old friend over.

MyNewBearTotoro · 03/01/2020 10:18

YANBU. This is extremely controlling behaviour from him and a major red flag. It’s your house too and of course you have a right to have people of your choosing over in the day. I may understand his reaction if this friend had caused problems/ there had been arguments or incidents but the fact he simply isn’t that keen on her isn’t a reasonable reason for him to demand you can’t see her or invite her over.

In your shoes I would wait until he gets home and have a calm conversation with him being clear that he is not in a position to control who you socialise with in your free time, that it’s your house too and that he should trust your judgement with your DD and home. If he’s unable to trust you or accept he cannot control who you invite around then the red flag simply gets bigger and I would be reconsidering the relationship as controlling behaviour has a tendency to get worse. Shortly after having a baby is a key time for controlling/ Abusive behaviour to start and you don’t want to stick around to find out how bad it could get if he won’t see reason over this.

PixieDustt · 03/01/2020 10:23

Oh so he likes you not having much contact with people and would prefer it if you were by yourself.
🚩

Oblomov20 · 03/01/2020 10:24

He doesn't like the idea of her coming round? ShockHmmAngry

BloggersBlog · 03/01/2020 10:27

Be prepared for her to tell you something about him. If she does please don't shoot the messenger.
I maybe looking too deeply at this, but as most have said, it isn't a normal reaction from your dh. Unless it is for him

ScarlettDarling · 03/01/2020 10:36

How dare he? It's your home and you are entitled to invite your friend whenever you want. If it truly is just a case of they haven't gelled, then how dare he think he can tell you not to invite her?

Original poster
Christmadtree · 03/01/2020 10:43

It's not a normal reaction. He's said today that he's fine with me meeting up with her, but he'd planned to come home at lunch time today so is annoyed that I invited her here without saying to him first. He says he told me he'd be coming home early today but as he's not normally home until 5.30/6pm, I didn't think early would be lunchtime.

I'm going out to meet her for lunch now to save any awkwardness and I will have a think about what to say to him tonight to explain this is not on. Really out of character for him.

OP posts:
1CantPickAName · 03/01/2020 10:51

Does he normally come home for lunch? When was the last time he came home for lunch?

His reaction is very odd. He obviously doesn’t want you to see this friend for some reason. Is there some history with her or maybe he has isolated you and you haven’t realised it?

lborgia · 03/01/2020 11:10

Do you always know when he's coming home for lunch, and does he expect you to be there when he gets home?

Grobagsforever · 03/01/2020 11:10

Does he understand his opinion on your friends is entirely irrelevant?

Why have you given in to him?