To invite old pal to lunch?

[Christmadtree]

I had my first DC 4 months ago, I'm estranged from most of my family and have been for a number of years now. We live 2hrs away from my hometown so i rarely go back, other than to see 1 sibling I keep in touch with.

My closest friend through school and early 20s messaged over Xmas asking how we were etc. We haven't been good at keeping in touch since I moved away, maybe seen her 2 or 3 times and send the odd message at birthdays etc. She is still close friends with my sibling and knew I was pregnant via them. Her gran lives around 20 mins from us and she's visiting over Xmas and said it would be good to catch up, I invited her over for lunch today since she's in the area.

Friend and DP are quite similar but never exactly gelled on the couple of times they've met over the last 6 years. He thinks she doesn't like him and vice versa, they just don't know each other well enough imo and I tell them both this. No major incidents or falling out between them.

DP is at work today but is now angry I invited her over to our house and said I shouldn't have as "its our house and our daughter" . He's unlikely to see her at all but has said if he comes home and she's here, he'll ask her to leave. He's really upset about me inviting her round.

To me it's just nice to have company and to connect with that part of my life again, especially given my family situation. He doesn't see the point as we've not been close in so long and doesn't want someone he doesn't like in our house and meeting our daughter.

AIBU inviting her round?

That's actually different if he told you he's finishing work early today.

I have one friend who I never invite round unless DP is going out after work because although I love her, and he gets on well with her, you just can't get rid of her, and when you've been at work, the last thing you want is to feel like you can't just get changed into your pjs and chill.

I think you should start “rebelling” against his dictates in other small ways. This is not healthy.

What other ways do you have to overthink to avoid his upset?

Yet another entitled little domestic prick imagining he gets to police who is 'allowed' into his castle.

He is not allowed to dictate to you who you see, where you socialise, & who you welcome into your home. The fact that he is already rehearsing his anger by fantasising about throwing your friend out is worrying & obnoxious.
Is he usually so pathetic?
Does he like to control other aspects of your life?

I'm going out to meet her for lunch now to save any awkwardness

Really?
You would rather be chased out of our own home & submit to his insanity that demonstrate to him that he is absolutely unreasonable & that you will not tolerate it?

There's only ONE awkward person here, & it's him.
If you vacate your own home to appease him, you are telling him that it's ok for him to dictate who you are allowed to see, & where. He will then feel even more entitled to police & control you in future.

Please don't let him do that to you.

I feel like there must be more to this. His reaction to this suggests something big has happened. Is it possible something has happened that you don't know about?

If not, and it really is that they just "don't gel", then he's being a twat and I would just continue your plans as normal, expect him to behave politely, and if he doesn't then give him an earful after she leaves.

Wow he sounds super controlling. Unless the reason he doesn't get on with your friend is that she's done something awful or is a dangerous lunatic it's outrageous for him to ban her from your house.

It isn't his role to choose how you pass your time or with whom you wish to socialise. Even if he was disappointed that your friend was going to be at your house and this he wouldn't feel as relaxed or whatever after an early finish he really shouldn't have made you uncomfortable over it.
At best he was very thoughtless and disrespectful of you at worst he is controlling .

The only way he would have a point is if -

• she was doing something damaging to you or your child eg was really nasty to you or your child and upset them

• she was doing something damaging to him eg insisted on smoking in your house and set off his asthma or something

• she was doing something potentially damaging eg getting ridiculously drunk

• she was doing something illegal in your house

• she was round all the time and he felt like he was having to regularly hide away in his own home and wanted some time just the two of you

Otherwise if it's just a case of clash of personalities, why is it up to him? Why does he think he gets to overrule you? Surely he can just avoid her for an hour?

If you told him not to have a friend round and said you'd ask him to leave. How Would that go?

Genuine question: people are saying it's not up to him because it's OPs house too, but doesn't that work both ways? Aren't both their opinions equally valid?

I can see why you're meeting her as you don't want a stupid scene when your husband tries to order her out of the house. However, I'd be really sceptical about his sudden wish to come home at lunchtime which sounds totally made up.

I'd be inclined to test him out by telling him that you've arranged for her to come to the house in, say, a month's time, and say that if he's planning to come home for lunch on any date in February he needs either to tell you now or decide to put up with her.

@giveherhell yes it does work both ways. If he’d have said “oh no, I’m off that afternoon and she does my head in” I’d have met her elsewhere. But it’s the “if she’s here when I get home I’ll throw her out” that’s not a compromise or negotiation. That’s the issue imo.

@Christmadtree are you okay?