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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To feel shaken by a dirty phone call?

91 replies

leostar1994 · 02/01/2020 22:12

I think from someone I used to work with. I obviously have no way of verifying this but I recognised the voice. If it is who I think, then he is also a friend of my boyfriend of three years and so it's definitely overstepping a line.

I’ve reported it to West Mercia police and they’ve given me a number to call with a reference to quote should it happen again. I wasn't originally going to do this but after thinking about it for a couple of hours I thought it was the right thing to do.

It was a no caller ID number and he was whispering “do you like sex?” over and over. I asked him who he was and he said that it was his friend that had told him I like sex so I asked him over and over who his friend was and then told him to eff off and hung up. He called me back like 3 more times and I answered on the fourth time and said I would call the police and then he stopped whispering and said out loud “[my name], I want to lick your [insert word here] and [insert word here] in you” which really freaked me out! Obviously I wasn't sure if it was just a complete stranger but as they said my name, it must be someone I've met and as I say I have my suspicions.

I feel really quite shaken. My boyfriend was really surprised and comforted me. AIBU? I've never had this happen before!

OP posts:

Original poster

leostar1994 · 02/01/2020 22:39

@Rubytinsleslippers This was through a mobile unfortunately. I need to find how to block No Caller ID numbers.

Obviously I have blocked the number of the person who I think did it and have also removed them from all social media networks. Why take any risk by leaving them on there?

When I said friend of my boyfriend previously, they are more work friends as we all used to work in the same office and they stayed in touch when my boyfriend left. They still socialise every couple of months. I haven't seen him since I left the company.

OP posts:

LellyMcKelly · 02/01/2020 22:40

If it happens again, don’t hang up or talk to him. Just leave it off the hook and go away. Leave it for half an hour before going back. These bastards are after attention. They want a reaction from you. If you ignore them they’ll give up pretty quickly. If you want, leave some cheesy music playing in the background while you go and make yourself a cup of tea. Always inform the police, and make sure it’s logged.

Katinski · 02/01/2020 22:40

This reminds me....years ago I had a series of late night obscene calls, number withheld. I reported this to the police, they put a trace on my phone for, I think, a month and also gave me a Schrill Alarm to use as soon as he started, guaranteed (they said) to blow his bloody head off via his eardrum
Still keep the Alarm handy,haven't used it yet...
Sorry you've had this experience OP.

Ohtherewearethen · 02/01/2020 22:41

Urgh how horrid OP, I'm not surprised you feel unsettled by this. I wish people like this, whilst maybe not 'done' for breaking particular law, would be publically shamed. Why should it be their dirty little secret? Their neighbours, nans, in-laws and bosses should all know what disgusting little perverts they are.

ShinyMe · 02/01/2020 22:42

My mum once had a series of calls like this, and I remember her very calmly saying, when she answered the 4th or 5th one, "yes officer, this is the one to trace please" and he hung up immediately and never called back. Might not work, but I thought it was quite clever of her, and it worked that time.

Original poster

leostar1994 · 02/01/2020 22:44

@Ohtherewearethen I feel the same - it's no different to an unwanted grope in a nightclub - it's an invasion and should be called out really. However, without really being 100 percent confident in who it is, I'm not wanting to do that!

The other side of things is that he has a long term partner (10 years plus) and a young daughter. Imagine the hurt it would cause if they found out he was doing this, I assume, regularly...?

OP posts:

StoneofDestiny · 02/01/2020 22:46

Record the call.
Let him talk as long as he wants - the longer the call, the easier it is to trace and you will get a better sample of his voice (and he will be more likely to trip himself up)
Don't show fear or emotion - he will feed on that.

MarieIVanArkleStinks · 02/01/2020 22:48

Don't blow a whistle down the phone. This was advice from a stalking support organization. It might only encourage them to do the same or worse to you.

I hope it doesn't escalate. But if he does call back, gently lay the phone on one side without listening to his comments. Then go back and hang up. And in the event that this were to continue, the advice often given is to get a second line/alternative mobile number - unlisted - and reveal this only on a need-to-know basis. In the end, he'll be the only one calling the old number and in this way you can collate and record evidence to pass on to the police, without having to actually listen to it yourself.

I hope it won't come to any of this and that the police can trace the caller and warn him off. What horrible, scary behaviour. for you.

Xiaoxiong · 02/01/2020 22:49

This story from our family lore: my aunt was being terrorised by one of these heavy breathing obscene callers in New York in the 80s. It was extremely upsetting, but because it was coming through on the land line apparently she couldn't do anything and the calls kept coming.

My mum went round and the next time he called my aunt handed my mum the phone. She started laughing hysterically down the phone, shrieking with laughter louder and louder as the man tried to say obscene stuff. Finally he apparently said in a normal voice (I guess to someone else in the room) "Hey Lou, there's some fucking nutcase on the line!" Then he hung up and never rang back!!

Blueopal15 · 02/01/2020 22:49

So sorry for you OP - well done for doing something - this happened to me repeatedly as a child 30 years ago - the caller knew me by name , though to this day I don’t know who it was - I eventually stopped answering the phone , to this day I don’t happily.

Xiaoxiong · 02/01/2020 22:51

But as to your question YANBU to be shaken. It's horrible and well done you for being so brave and reporting it!!

Sayhellotothethings · 02/01/2020 22:54

The things on this thread are the stuff of nightmares.

Op this sounds terrifying and I hope the police can do something. Is it worth recording any future calls?

NaomifromMilshake · 02/01/2020 22:54

A friends mother got a heavy breather in the 70's, she said OMG have you had that asthma checked out.

Didn't happen again.

BananaRepublic2019 · 02/01/2020 22:57

Sorry if I missed it as I skimmed this, but if you are with BT make sure you call them and report to them, too (other providers probably have a similar scheme). We had some nasty calls some years ago and reported to BT and they put something in place so if we got another call we could press a button on our phone and it would log it automatically and trigger them to do something. In the end the calls stopped, but only because the police got involved and told them to stop it (none of the calls were as nasty as you have experienced, so no formal police action was taken).

Justaboy · 02/01/2020 22:57

I really wasn't going to report it but then I thought about all the other people he's probably done this to in the past or could do this to in the future if I didn't report it.

Sorry to read of this instance and you have done right as after a while a pattern may well emerge then they may well take action.

If my distant memory serves me right even if the nuimber was witheld they can usally trace it, only problem is if its an unregistered PAYG mobile:(

SorryDidISayThatOutLoud · 02/01/2020 22:58

That's awful OP. It happened to me and I can remember how my heart was pounding. Terrible.

But to lighten things - my sister had one and the male voice said "are you wearing panties, what are they like?" so my sister replied "Yeah, but they are those big teabag ones that come up to my waist and the elastic has gone in one leg".

He hung up. LOL

GruciusMalfoy · 02/01/2020 22:58

@SilverSurfer2020 The "hair on your fanny" line must be a common one. I had the same thing asked of me by some pathetic bastard, years ago. I was only about 11 or so at the time.

JoyceDivision · 02/01/2020 22:59

Decades ago, in the late 80's this happened to my cousin: she put a sale note up.on the supermarket notice board for a week, as you used to do back in the day, with details of leather jacket she was selling with size / age suitable, listed her name and her house telephone number to enquire.

So she got a bloke ringing up, asking for her by name, causing her mum to say "Yes, Clare is here, I'll hand you over" and then the bloke asked a couple if rather rude questions before my cousin hung up.

I think her dad guarded the phone after that!

blueshoes · 02/01/2020 23:02

Apart from a whistle, you could put your rape alarm to the mouthpiece.

My mother got one of these calls in the 80s. I could hear her over the phone: "you want my what? what did you say? Say that again, I did not catch that?" I don't think he called again.

Ariela · 02/01/2020 23:02

I was on call for work a few nights ago (we get a few out of hours calls) and it was a withheld number obviously ringing the work landline and diverted to my mobile so no way of knowing my actual number. The caller kept ringing and saying a particular rude phrase that he wanted to do to me - but it was a computer generated voice over and over again. 3rd time he called I had a whispered conversation (with myself) about how we had to keep the caller on for as long as possible so the call could actually be traced and yes they have the technology do it even though the number is withheld.

Phone was hung up after 'we' were discussing in a quiet whisper as to whether it was it over 30 seconds now (with me breaking off to engage the caller by saying in my best fake Scottish accent how that all sounded very interesting etc) and stage whispering quietly 'do you think we've held the caller on the line long enough?' 'I would think so, they said at least 20 seconds would be good'

Caller hung up, none of us has had a peep from him since (we take turns to be on call).

Sarcelle · 02/01/2020 23:09

What does your boyfriend say. SDos he think it could be his friend?

bd67th · 02/01/2020 23:10

You are not being unreasonable. I was left shaking after a phone call at work from a male caller who detailed his plans to rape me and then shoot my brains out.

Women don't seem to make calls of that nature.

Original poster

leostar1994 · 02/01/2020 23:15

@Sarcelle When I first told him I came running down the stairs saying "you need to listen and take me seriously!" I explained the call to him and what was said and I let him know that when the caller spoke at normal level that it was him that I suspected. He frowned and then asked me if I was OK and gave me a hug. I then went off to do an errand. I mentioned later in the evening that I was removing this person from all social media and he said "why are you concentrating on this person, it might not be them". I understand where he's coming from but I think this is more him trying to keep his fingers crossed hoping it isn't who I suspect it to be. However, this person has had affairs when on business trips and has made inappropriate comments about other women in the office whilst I've been present so it's not a reach to think that he could make a dirty phone call. When I mentioned after this that I was reporting it to the police and mentioning the name of the person involved, he encouraged me and agreed that it was a good idea and the right thing to do.

OP posts:

Sarcelle · 02/01/2020 23:18

It's good he is being supportive. Hope you get a resolution. How sad you must be to do this.

LadyLightning · 02/01/2020 23:18

It is always worth making reports - what a lot of horrible things being reported on her. Much love to all of you who have had such a horrible experience.

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